UNIT: Healthy Adult/Parent (Part 1)


I can change ‘who’ runs my life!

PREVIOUS: Ego States-Parent #4

 See ACRONYM page for abbrev.



Genuine Recovery is marked by internalizing the new, healthy information we are learning, so that it becomes an automatic part of us. Then we will consistently respond to the world from a different ‘place’ which gives us a sense of safety, empowerment & mastery. This can not be done perfectly or without regressions & digressions – so don’t expect that. The goal is to keep moving forward on the path of healing.

In order to do this we need to build a healthy UNIT (H.A. + L.P. = The “UNIT”) to be our new inner EXECUTIVE.

ACRONYMS: CDs = cognitive distortions / E.S. = ego states / H.A. = healthy adult / L.P. = loving parent / UNIT = HA + LP / WIC = wounded inner child / N.C. = natural child / NI = Negative Introject / PP = pig parent (NI) / PMES = physical, mental, emotional, spiritual

• All unhealed ACoAs are run by the interaction of  Screen Shot 2016-06-18 at 3.37.08 AMtheir Bad Parent & Wounded Child ego states (E.S.)
• But so are many people who are in Recovery, before they do family-of-origin work (FoO)

• Hi-functioning ACoAs have a fairly well-developed Adult E.S. (with some CDs), but are missing the Loving Parent, which can be seen in how they deal with their personal relationships.

3 MAJOR TASKS of the Loving Parent + Healthy Adult:
1.To separate the PP & WIC
, in order to stop the child from having to obey the cruel & unhelpful domination of the NI!  Internally, we may only hear one or the other. Even so, the PP is in charge, & left on its own, the vulnerable IC has no choice but to submit.

2. To nurture, guide & take care of both the Healthy & the Damaged parts of our Child.  For the WIC – to help it heal from all it’s PMES wounds with unconditional love & nurturing & to let it know it never has to be alone again! For the N.C. – to help it find it’s voice & develop it’s true potential, which creates self-esteem

3. To interact efficiently with the rest of the world in order to get ALL our needs met – by developing the skills & attitudes which generate self-care & social ease, given our individual circumstances & abilities, so we can have more comfortable & fulfilled lives

How to BUILD the new UNIT
1. Read & re-read the extensive list of characteristics of each Ego State
• Print 2-3 copies, & keep 1 each where you’ll see it every day – mirror, bag, desk top, iphone, desk top…
• Little by little – write something about each characteristic (what you think it means, how you do or don’t use it, how you see others doing it…)
• Pick 1 characteristic of the L.P. & focus on it for a week.  Use the same Qs as in your writing, as you go thru each day
• Take notes about your observations & talk it over with trusted people. Ask for suggestions & feedback on how to improve

2. Actions to try out, to develop theScreen Shot 2016-06-18 at 3.37.54 AM…. ADULT component:
• learn about your damage (WIC #1 post)
• learn healthy ways of thinking
• listen carefully to kind people & copy them
• catch the S-H thoughts & stop them as soon as possible
• talk to smart, sane people regularly
• stick with the winners (others on the same path)
• read everything you can about your issues & about growth
• write some of your thoughts down every day
• do drawings of how you feel emotionally
• try things you always wanted to do (school, travel, move…)

….the PARENT component:self care
• practice dialoguing with the WIC & the NC every day
• nurture a spiritual life that suits you
• let yourself cry & do rage work as often as needed, but only in safe ways
• do more good things for yourself
• do less bad things to yourself
• practice standing up for yourself, say what you want & don’t want
• stay away from people who consistently cause you pain
• hold your Kid, pat your chest, sing, say soothing things

✶  If you do your best to follow some or all these suggestions you will see improvement & get a lot of satisfaction!

NEXT: Healthy Adult / Loving Parent – #2


3 thoughts on “UNIT: Healthy Adult/Parent (Part 1)

  1. Hi Donna,

    In the “How to build a new UNIT” section, item 1 suggests printing out a list of Ego States from p. 7 of the site map. I’m having a little trouble accessing that page. The link goes to the main site, the site map link is http://web.me.com/torbico/acoaRECOVERY/SITE_MAP.html however p. 7 is about “Narcissists” and appears to be a broken link. I’m very interested in this positive part of recovery!


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