IT’S SORT OF LIKE:
Adult = a good Dad,
Parent = a good Mom,
& Child = little ME!
PREVIOUS: Adult & Parent (Part 2)
CHARACTERISTICS of the Healthy Adult & Loving Parent ego states in the narrow columns
REMEMBER: These are the ways you are supposed to be treating yourself!
✶ Also, please review Part 1 & 2.
SOME ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS / IMAGES
♥ Week before an operation:
IC: ‘I want a new red blanket to take with me to the hospital’
LP: ‘OK, honey, let’s go shopping.’
In the store:
IC: ‘I want that one! ‘ (the most expensive)
HA: ‘We only have $– to spend on this. We need some money for groceries too’
LP: ‘I will get you one of these – but only the smaller one. We already have 2 red blankets at home – & yes I know they’re old!”
Sensing the WIC’s anxiety:
LP: “I know you’re worried & scared about the procedure. I’ll be with you the whole time & Jerry’s picking us up afterwards.”
HA: “You know I trust this doctor. We’ll be ok.”
IC: (Pouting but understands)
♥ Waiting to get on a plane
IC: (A little antsy but not talking)
LP: (Noticing, waiting – knows kid is not afraid of flying, so it can’t be that)
IC: (Not saying anything but seems concerned)
LP: (Finally gets an ‘image’ of the issue) — “OK, OK, I’ll take you!”
(Kid doesn’t have to ‘go’ but is worried about needing the bathroom on the plane before seat belt light is off!
They go to the restroom & the kid is happy. 🙂
♥ After a social gathering with casual friends
IC: (In a lot of pain) “They don’t like me, I talked too much, no one came up to me afterwards, I can’t go back there, I know they’re saying bad things about me …
HA: OK, I hear you. But what we know about these particular people is that they have shown many ways that they like you. You’ve talked a lot before & they are still nice to us”
IC: “Yeah, but…”
HA: “Yes, we aren’t their age or have the same core beliefs & not in their inner circle, but that’s not a negative reflection on you – or them. It’s just a reality. Different is different, not bad.”
LP: “Honey, the bottom line is that you are who you are & not everyone fits with us. That doesn’t make you undesirable. We have to find places that suit all parts of us – the mental adult, the feeling kid (you, little one) & the spiritual parent.
IC: Reluctantly “OK”.
It took a few days, but the pain went away.
*The next time at that same gathering – everyone was as friendly as usual. (“See, honey?” >”I know”)
♥ Having a bad experience with someone
LP: knowing that the kid is very angry but afraid to let it out – asks the kid to show her an image of how she’s feeling
IC: creates a picture of being chained down on a wooden bed in a dark room, powerless & trapped
UNIT: “I’m here to help. It’s ok to be mad” Visualizes using huge pliers to cut away all the chains. Then picks the kid up & leaves the dungeon. IC: Still upset but relieved
♥ After one date with a sexy, attractive but self-hating guy
HA: “So, that was interesting. Do you want to see him again?
IC: Only shrug, but no words
UNIT: Asks the kid again for the next few days
IC: No words – but a slight pulling back
LP: “OK, honey, I get it – you’re conflicted but the answer is basically no.”
HA: “I agree – we can see his WIC clearly, BUT it is completely surrounded by barbed wire, so if I let you reach in to connect, your arm will get all cut up!”
LP: “We feel bad for his kid, but I can’t let you get hurt.”
IC: “OK. Thanks”
♥ After the death of a beloved pet
IC: Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing
LP: “I know, sweetie, let it all out”
IC:” I want a new one – let’s go to the ASPCA”
UNIT: “OK, lets see if they have another orange one. I trust you to pick the right one”
IC: At the shelter – “I don’t see any here. We have to look at the computer pictures.” Eventually she finds the right one – online!
✳️ This is a small example of positive dialogues & visualizations. We need to be talking WITH the kid every day, as often as possible, about everything – no matter how trivial. It can be about what you feel like eating or wearing, what someone is doing, the colors around you – anything from : ‘It’s time for bed, now…” , “No, we can’t go there today – not enough time” – to – “I can tell something’s bothering you. How are you feeling?”…
• It never has to be a big deal. You can do it on a bus, in the bathroom, walking down the street… Yes, the written version takes a chunk of time, but not the everyday chit-chat
• DON’T WAIT until you’re in a crisis, to start. If you haven’t already established a good link with the kid, & then something upsets you – you will not have the UNIT available to handle it.
(How often do you talk to anyone you live with or see every day?
Only when there’s some difficulty?)
The more often you converse with the kid, the stronger the bond, the more you prove your reliability, the more you adult UNIT can take care of things & make your life WORK!!
NEXT: Relationship Form A – #1