I HAVE TO WORK THROUGH
my resistance to the IC
PREVIOUS: Talking to the I.C. – #2
SITE: ‘Write Action – Dialoguing with the IC” (1-12)
PROCRASTINATION & Dialoguing
Putting off consistently talking WITH our Inner Child is another example of the insidious procrastination many ACoAs are plagued by, all forms representing resistance, either from the WIC or the Introject (PP).
Many times we put off taking actions, even ones we would like, because we can’t make a decision. Our thinking is thoroughly confused by having several conflicting points of view about something & we don’t know how to parse them out. Which one is right?
● This hamster-in-the-wheel thinking includes :
— the real ‘voice’ of a mentor, friend or relative, as well as several of our own Ego States:
— the PP, which can include society’s rules & religious beliefs formed into CDs
— the WIC’s fear, hopelessness & self-hate
— possibly the Healthy Child’s intuition / hopes / wishes
— sometimes even the rational Adult voice….
……all at the board meeting in our head, vying to be heard & trying to win over the others.
• When this happens on a regular basis it does NOT means we’re crazy. It DOES mean we don’t have a clear & strong sense of our own identity & permission to ‘know what I know’. However, as we connect with our True Self – our specific needs & our general human rights – we can separate out the various internal voices, choosing the one most fitting to us & the situation at hand, via the healthy Adult. The others we discard as irrelevant, incorrect or harmful.
The MAIN excuse for refusing to talk to your Inner Child is:
● I don’t want to connect with the pain that will come up: “I hate the kid – it only causes me trouble. It’s always messing things up for me! I want it to go away because it hurts when I do let it surface, AND I’m terrified I’ll uncover some deep dark trauma I can’t handle”
ANS: Re. ‘the kid is causing the trouble’ – as long as we ignore that younger, hurt part of us, it will keep jumping up & down, & biting us in the butt. Only when we consistently dialogue with the kid will we act out less.
Re. fear of ‘uncovering’ – for the most part we already know all our deepest darkest suffering. Originally we had to shove everything under a mental carpet or lock it away in the dungeon or our subconscious, but we never really forgot the main events. What we’ve resisted knowing / feeling is how truly abusive & damaging those events were to us, & so we ‘cope’ by cutting ourselves off from the pain.
Re. the Pain – with Recovery come a deeper, clearer understanding of what happened to us and why! But to finally believe we did not cause our damage (S-H) we have to be ready to bear the whole truth about our childhood. It takes a certain amount of healing to tolerate re-feeling the backlog of old pain, which is provided by Ego Strength – “the ability to maintain emotional stability while coping with internal and external stressors”. We can only fully face early trauma when we have enough self-soothing skills via a good Inner Parent, a decent support system for guidance & comfort, & internal permission to feel all our Es without self-hate.
In any case (ready to face things or not) – we need to develop a rapport with the Child, which means talking with it throughout the day about anything & everything – the weather, the colors we like, what we’re going to do after work, what book to read or show to watch…. No topic is too trivial! It’s time to heal our sad little one and only love heals. Information is important, but love is the tonic.
RESISTANCE SOURCES: Other people, the PP & the WIC
Anyone not familiar with ego states & this process is likely to think it’s nuts, a waste of time, a fantasy…. Often people tell us we’re wallowing (even in some 12-Step programs!), that we should have forgiven them by now, so let go, move on….
We can respond to these ignorant comments – OR NOT – with: “You should try it sometime / It sounds like you don’t know anything concrete about it / Why are you being so judgmental? / Thank you for sharing…”. Make up a couple of phrases you feel comfortable with & memorize them!
2. The INTROJECT (PP)
Ultimately the harmful power that rules ACoAs has always come from the Bad Parent voice. It’s everywhere, crawling around inside the walls of our mind, like termites, whispering it’s poison: “This thing they’re trying to teach you is ridiculous! You can’t live without ME! You don’t know what you’re doing, that Inner Child stuff is just crazy….” The PP definitely does not want to be replaced by a Good one – afraid of being destroyed – so it keeps a tight rein on the Child by undermining it’s ability to think independently & function well.
NEXT: Part 4 – Resistance from the WIC