PREVIOUS: Talking to the Inner Child -#3
SOURCES of RESISTANCE – cont.
1. & 2. = from Others & the PP (#3)
3. The WIC – at first you may be surprised to realize that the Wounded Child is not so quick to let go of the Bad Voice! You’re just starting to learn how to be a Good Parent / Healthy Adult, expecting to take over the job of Executive ego state from the Inner Child who’s been running the show your whole life. But as far as the child is concerned, you’ve never been available before, or you sounded just like ‘them’…. so why should it trust you now? And why would it want to give up it’s power to an unknown, unproven entity (the ‘new’ you)?
● Loyalty to our parents runs very deep, no matter how badly they treated us. The kid needs to be taken care of & it only knows the family it grew up with, & you aren’t on the radar screen – yet
● Our brain grooves are so deeply etched making the connection to the PP primal. The kid is afraid to leave the Introject because we don’t want to be on our own, we never learned how to take care of ourselves, we’re afraid of their punishment & that somehow we’ll harm them by leaving – even if it’s just in our head!
● The kid has learned that – in general – adult NO authority is safe or trustworthy. They never listened or cared about anyone but themselves – & now you’re proposing to be the new adult who knows what’s ‘better’ for it. It sounds like more of the same! Besides, why would you bother anyway?
The kid won’t believe the New Adult until we’ve proven we’re not like the original parents by earning the right to be listened to
● The adults in our childhood were childish, depressed, absent, drunk, cruel, crazy or just toooo busy to be bothered with us – most of them not actually in charge of anything! That left it all up to us, which was terrifying, but it also gave us a sense of power. It was immature, inappropriate & distorted power to be sure, but the only option many of had. We did what we could to survive & we did. Now the WIC doesn’t want to give up that power, convinced it’ll disintegrate or die if it ‘lets go’.
Double Bind: The kid thinks it’s in control when running our life <—> while it is actually being run by the bad voice! (re. Double Binds....)
● To the kid ‘Growing up’ is not a positive, even tho many of us had the fantasy as kids that when we were adults we’d : be OK, have everything we want, not suffer anymore, have our dreams come true….
At the same time the kid in us secretly believes that ‘growing up’ really means either being completely alone or becoming just like them. Neither option is desirable, so we resist letting the Loving Parent / Healthy Adult help us outgrow out past.
Double Bind: We hate many of our parents’ traits & behavior patterns, terrified of turning into them <—> YET we slavishly follow the rules & patterns they set out for us, even more terrified of S & I-ing from them, separating from them in person or inside ourselves. Damned if we do, damned if we don’t – & damned if you say anything about it!!
Note that we have many such confusing & conflicting beliefs – all of which are incorrect.
● Letting go of the PP also means being in charge of our own life, taking risks, being responsible – which the kid can’t, won’t, isn’t allowed to….. It means being our own motivator, the opposite of co-dependence, and giving up the fantasy someone will finally come along to rescue us. The kid will fight these outcomes tooth & nail!
All these reasons can make overcoming resistance seem overwhelming, even hopeless. Not so. It’s not our fault the kid has so many fears & distorted beliefs, but it is up to us to make the corrections. The 2-handed writing helps.
Keep in mind that changing our patterns can only be done ‘one-day-at-a-time’, instead of projecting failure into our future. As we ‘grow’ & develop our Healthy Adult & good Parent every single day we can use them to re-direct the WIC to new & realistic ways of thinking.
CO-DEPENDENCE & the WIC
With co-dependence, we can either be the rescuer or the rescuee, even switching positions, depending on who we’re with. It’s an unconscious maneuver developed by our wounded child to maneuver other people into telling us who we should be & how to feel, act or think. We try to ‘please’ them with the intention of making them be ‘better’ & feel good so they’ll be able to take care of us. That way we can continue obeying a major alcoholic/ narcissistic family rule to NOT know and act from our True Self.
It keeps the focus outside of ourselves & on everyone else, instead of on strengthening our Adult & providing our Inner Child’s needs. Fear of intimacy is a major part of being co-dependent, which in turn is fueled by fear of abandonment and self-hate. Intimacy can be broken down into “into-me-see” – allowing others to get to know us at a deep & honest level. This cannot happen if the WIC is terrified, constantly self-judging, without having a Loving Parent to guide & comfort.
• How to Dialogue with the Inner Child
• ‘Emotional Age – Awareness & Empowerment’
•‘Reconnect with your IC’. IC Scrapbook with 10 items
• Self-Healing Portal – EFT & Inner Child Healing
• Flower Essences to help heal the IC
NEXT: Dialogue or Monologue? (Part 5)