PREVIOUS: Why resist talking to your IC? #4
DIALOGUE or MONOLOGUE?
Bucking this huge tide of resistance (Part 3 & 4) takes courage. But since it’s a brand new way of communicating with ourselves, at first we tend to fall back the models we grew up with – being as harsh or as limited as our parents were. Sadly, when ACoAs learn about this Recovery tool, we don’t even ‘hear’ the idea of dialogue, which is a TWO-way communication. Instead:
● We only talk AT the kid, rather than back & forth, never giving it a chance to let it’s thoughts & feelings be heard just like at home! This is not a dialogue! If your friends, family, mate… only talked AT you, how would you feel?
NOTE: This one-directional form is only valid IF you’re connecting with your pre-verbal IC at the time of the particular conversation – which can happen at any time , OR if the WIC isn’t yet willing to respond, from fear & distrust.
● We only remember to talk to the kid when something has gone wrong in our life, when we’re in distress, but at that point we don’t know how to help the kid – if we try at all. This is a blatant form of abandonment. Do your close friends / loved ones only talk to you when there’s a problem?
— AND, waiting to communicate until there’s a crisis – when we get emotionally triggered – sets us up for failure. Very often we’re too regressed, too much IN the WIC to be able to step back & help ourselves, since at that point we lose even the little Adult ego state we do have & much less activate a Loving Parent. That’s when the Negative Introject (PP) can get really loud – berating & belittling the kid
● We only focus our monologue on ACTIONS (do-ing, do-ing, do-ing! – the A of T.E.A.), rather than focusing on the child’s emotional state & needs.Validation of the child’s experience must come first, then comfort, the any corrections distorted self-deprecating thinking (CDs) required
● When the child is in pain or very angry about how they are/have been treated AND we make excuses for the other person, explaining their motivation, needs, state of being…. while completely ignoring the kid’s emotional state. This is a first-order abandonment – literally taking someone else’s side. YES, sometimes it is important to give the child another perspective, but ONLY after honoring your IC’s experience!
● We tell the child “YOU have to” when the situation has little or nothing to do with the kid, when it’s really the Adult who needs to be doing something differently. The kid already thinks everything is its responsibility, so to say that it should DO / be or not DO / be certain things is both inaccurate & adding more of a burden.
● We try to placate or blatantly lie to the kid – “It’ll be OK, everything’s fine, I’m here, I’ll always take care of you”…. & then forget to talk to the child for days or weeks! How can the kid ever trust or listen to us when not only are we inconsistent & abandoning, BUT not dealing with reality? It everything really OK at the moment? Are you, the Adult, taking care of the kid – & things?……
● Our Child part is very smart & intuitive BUT takes everything literally. When you promise something, the Child believes you. When you don’t follow thru, it’s deeply disappointed – Just another ‘adult’ who can’t be trusted!
PLEASE: think before you speak. Consider what you would like to have heard when you were little & say those kind, positive, encouraging things – about the child as a person: “You’re smart, I’m impressed by you talents, you try really hard, I’m proud of you”….. even of you don’t fully believe everything – yet. In terms of actions – things you’ll do, places you’ll take the kid…. only say what you can back up!
DIALOGUING with the Inner Child
● to free ourselves of as much damage as we can (no such thing as ‘complete’ recovery!)
● to uncover, nurture & express as much of our True Self as is humanly possible
● to enjoy life, based on permission to have our needs & used our natural talents
b. Helps us heal & grow by:
● gradually minimizing Self-Hate (we didn’t cause our damage)
● develop our own new Loving Parent voice
● find out what our rights are & apply them to our daily life
● woo the Inner Child part of us away from the Toxic Introject (PP), internally by constant positive Dialoguing, & externally by connecting with positive & realistic people / groups who can teach us to form a new & Supportive Introject
Suggestion: Use all your co-dependence skills – BUT only toward your Inner Child! When first start this process, don’t think of it as ‘having to take care of yourself” which is not allowed (breaking toxic rules), totally unfamiliar & very scary.
However – we already know how to “Put others’ needs before our own”, so use all your considerable experience & energy into care-taking the kid!
NEXT: Book-Ending with the IC – #1