ALWAYS KEEP ONE EYE OPEN –
you never know where danger lurks!
PREVIOUS: OVER-Trusting (Part 2)
REVIEW post: ‘What is Shame’
is suspicion, SO the lack of trust rests in ourselves, by NOT using our intuition, observation, experience…. which results in a general sense of unease toward someone or something, but without proof (yet)
— when you have no reason to think someone will do the wrong thing, but you don’t have a reason to trust them either.
— OR: person or situation seem questionable, perhaps you intuition is picking up a hint from their words, action or manner
— OR: there’s actually no reason to be suspicious, so your mistrust is not deserved
is certainty, SO the lack of trust rests in ‘them’
— when you have good reason to not trust someone based on your experiences with them, usually more than once
— are given reliable information about someone or something which lets you know they’re not safe / trustworthy
AS ADULTS (cont.) – UNDER-Trusting
The way we think (Ts – CDs) & react emotionally (Es – FoA) to how others behave (not even necessarily toward us) has a direct impact on our lack of trust. It will be based on the combination of all our (unhappy) past relationships, but mainly those with our parents. This can easily lead to a subtle, underlying paranoia that colors everything. What is necessary for mental health & peace of mind is to see & understand who people are individually & not just lump them together as all bad or unsafe.
REALITY: Some people —
• are simply not interested in us – nothing personal – we’re just not a good fit, or they’re caught up in their own little world
• really are insensitive, mean or otherwise unavailable, which hurts
• are just taking care of themselves instead of focusing on us – at the moment, so it feels like they’re turning their back, because we’re expecting them to be the good Inner Parent as our comforter & companion
Without a Healthy Adult ego-state the WIC we can’t tell the difference between these 3 groups – so when disappointed, we regress into that old ‘slough of despair” (Pilgrim’s Progress), where “all is cloudy, hopeless & no one is ‘good’!”
WHY ACoAs DON’T TRUST
Abandonment (many PMES losses)
In spite of the fact that we were raised by untrustworthy people & still long to be taken care of, as adults WE:
— continue to cling to people, places & situations which DO NOT have to the inherent capacity to provide even our most basic human needs, much less compensate for all we missed out on in childhood. The combined deprivation adds up, which can be deadly to us & to those around us. The less we’re treated with respect, more abandoned we feel, the more wounded we get, the more demanding the WIC becomes – getting angrier & angrier.
When this core button is pushed we may use familiar character defects:
• withdraw, sulk, withhold • be paranoid & accusatory
• get controlling & micromanage • be clingy & desperate
AND when our anxiety reaches a level of hysteria we can’t stop ourselves from making a painful situation worse, setting others up to fight with or withdraw from us, increasing our sense of loss & mistrust. Then we say “I knew it all along – no one is there for me!” even tho in some cases we contributed to it
As a result of original abandonment, WE:
— don’t know who we are, fundamentally
— can’t identify most our needs (even the basic, normal human ones) much less have the right to get them met
— are convinced we don’t deserve to be treated well, so don’t notice or reject anyone who is actually capable of being kind
— don’t trust our own knowledge, experience & observations
— we stay too long with unhealthy people
— don’t trust that anyone will ever be able or willing to help us
THEN – we say “I hate everyone, no one likes me, I don’t belong anywhere”….
NEXT: Under-Trusting (Part 2)