THE MORE I TRUST MY JUDGMENT
the better my discernment
PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust (Part 1)
SITE: “5 Facets of trust”(Slide #6 & 29-33)
Cultivation & Manifestation of Trust
H.T. is knowing who & what can be relied on – or not. Legitimate trust is based in large part on experience, so it’s imperative for ACoAs to not believe too easily or too quickly in new situation or new acquaintances.
H.T. allows us & others to be human – with weaknesses & strengths, while having a generally favorable outlook on life
H.T. assumes things usually work out, but includes the ability to deal with frustration, delay & loss without falling apart – because we will not be automatically reacting from FoA
H.T. allows us to ‘trust the process’ of life, such as participating in an activity (like Recovery or learning a skill) without knowing the outcome, because we can’t predict the future, no matter how much we wish it
H.T. takes time to develop. ‘Instant trust’ is a symptom of symbiosis
H.T. is not based on how others ‘feel’ to us, which is when we get high from being with someone who fits hand-in-glove with our particular damage, who is enough like our family that we’re sure we found our soul mate! When we have this kind of ‘lala’ reaction* (ACoA trance), which includes Longing, FoA, no Bs & Idealizing, we are in fantasy, heading for disappointment & danger
*NOTE: This kind of reaction is not the same as the gut feeling we have (the YEAH or ICK factors) when we’re emotionally clear enough to tell when someone / thing is suitable or unsuitable specifically for us, OR when they’re objectively harmful, neutral or beneficial
T. CHARACTERISTICS – These T.E.A. characteristics, and all 3 must be present, to some degree, for optimum trust to exist – whether referring to personal or business relationships
Competence / Results / Ability
Practical: The demonstrated ability to get results, from a combination of practical knowledge & being adaptable to circumstances, which allows people or groups to deliver on promises.
Mental: The capacity to evaluate and discriminate among various “people, places & things” to identify which are to be trusted, to what extent, and in what circumstances. It’s “Reading reality truthfully in order to respond responsibly.”
Character / Integrity / Values
Mental: When a person or group is very aware of their own beliefs, attitudes, feelings, and perceptions, and do not easily accept the projections of others. They know that self-understanding and self-development are important & are conscious of the ways their values are expressed in day-to-day life.
Practical: The internal agreement between their values and actions make them reliable & therefore trustworthy. When things don’t go well they acknowledge and explain what happened, take responsibility for it, and work positively to improve the outcome.
Compassion / Concern / Benevolence
• an awareness of one’s connection to, and interdependence with others, which inspires benevolent behavior & mutuality from others
• based on genuine respect for, and valuing of, others. It’s the emotional investment in people that enables them to reciprocate, not out of obligation, but out of appreciation & gratitude
• the extent to which a person has the best interests of the other in mind, which is not ego-driven or primarily profit-oriented
• includes a high level of empathy that gives the ability to genuinely care for another person or group
DIMENSIONS of TRUST
Delayed Reciprocity – a simple formula for creating trust is the Golden Rule: ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ which suggests that if I give you something now, I trust (hope, expect) that it will be repaid / returned, in some unspecified way at some unspecified time in the future. In a flexible environment I can get what I need when I need it, without having to pay right away, with the assumption that I’ll return the ‘favor’ when asked. Since this arrangement creates uncertainly, trust (& obligation) play a big part.
Exposed Vulnerability – in a trust arrangement I may well be leaving myself open for my vulnerabilities to be taken advantage of. The threat of pay-back or feeling guilty may curb the temptation to abuse my exposed ‘soft side’. But if you do use something against me I get hurt, end up with the shorter stick, & may punish you. SO for things to work between us successfully, I need to be able to trust that you won’t make me (or yourself) suffer.
Predictability – it’s normal for people to make forecasts, trying to figure out what other people will do or what will happen, for our ourselves personally & in the world in general. We want to spot and prepare for threats, as well as make plans to achieve longer-term goals. The point of greatest unpredictability is at 50%, so a reliable enemy is ‘safer’ than an unpredictable friend – at least we know where we are with them. If we can surround ourselves with people we trust, then we can create a safe present and an even better future.
Value Exchange – Most of transactions in life are based on reciprocity, which works because we each value things differently. You need food & have a skill, I have money & need a job done. Trust in value-exchange occurs when we don’t know exactly whether what we’re getting is what we asked for & expect. It means making an exchange with someone when you don’t know very much (or anything) about them, their intention or what they’re actually going to provide. (MORE……)
RECOVERY: re. “UNDER-Trusting” post – here are some healthy internal responses we can develop for our own benefit, in relation those who —
• ignore us: Teach the WIC that no one can make us invisible! Some can see us & some cannot – that is no reflection on us (pun intended)! When we have a True Self we are visible to ourselves & those who have ‘eyes’, knowing that we can’t make “blind people see colors!” Everyone else is only a potential connection, but not a necessary one
• are mean to us: We can develop the ability to stand up to them when appropriate & not a danger to us, or stay away from them altogether
• have good boundaries: It’s not their job to rescue or parent us. The distress that gets triggered is from our old wounds, not their behavior. This pain needs to be owned & dealt with in Program, therapy & our spiritual practice. And we can also learn from these healthier people to develop our own limits & self-care
NEXT: Healthy Trust (Part 3)