needs a healthy foundation!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust (#2)


ATTITUDES that DEVELOP our ability to TRUST
Diminished fear: many of us will have to ‘act as if’ until we feel safer because old fear from the past can linger, & ‘new’ fear usually depends on our negative self-talk & staying with unrecovered people. Remember – “If it’s hysterical, it’s  historical”. The less FoA & S-H we have the less our day-to-day fear.  In any case, we can’t afford to let fear restrict all our interactions & activities

Having hope in the overall good will of mankind: without it we become isolated & emotionally stuck. This comes from learning to recognize & pull out the ‘weeds & parasites’ in our life, & knowing that not everyone is narcissistic or dangerous

A healing environment: good therapists, healers, teachers, recovery & spiritual groups.  As we grow we can change how we interact with our significant others, which will lessen blame, accusations & acrimony from all sides

Self-acceptance: to do this we have to know who we are – good points & weaknesses.  There’s NO room for self-abuse, only realistic assessment of ALL our qualities, abilities & knowledge.  Improved self-esteem makes it safer to get close to people without fear of abuse or abandonmentrue inner-selft

Self-disclosure of our damage:  Al–anon suggests that “You’re only as sick as your secrets”, so we need to air out our pain & distorted thinking – but ONLY in safe places & with healthy people

More openness: Others can’t connect with us if we keep hiding our True Self.  With Recovery we can risk being appropriately open with the right people, who have proven themselves kind & supportive, so that they can get to know & appreciate us

Reducing Competitiveness: ACoAs don’t always want exactly what others have, but are envious (between 2 people) & jealous (between 3) because they’re getting their needs met BUT we’re not allowed to! We feel deeply powerless & end up enraged & obsessed.  As we take better care of ourselves there will be less desire for competition, defensiveness & accusations of unfairness, reducing the barriers between us & others

Remembering the balance of life: the “Boomerang Effect’’ shows us that if we are dishonest, Reversemistrusting, narrow-minded… we assume everyone else is too, & are more likely to meet up with the same type.  BUT if we practice being sincere, respectful, kind, open-minded (but not foolish), most people will respond by showing us their best side too. This is not the same as being a victim or people-pleaser, which some people can’t resist taking advantage of
✶                            ✶                              ✶                              ✶
When I have a strong Inner Core, I choose better situations & people to be involved with so I can:
a. Trust myself – rely on MY:
• abilities   • accomplishments  • competence   •  integrity    • intrinsic human worth
• intuition    • judgment   • observationsboundaries  • perceptions
• principles  • strengths    • values

b. Trust others – rely on them TO:
• act in my best interest   • be competent   • be reliable
• be truthful  • do what they say they will do   • keep their promises   • stay interested in me   • take my side

c. Trust an intimate – rely on them to NOT:
• abuse me  • attack me   • betray me   • contradict me  • criticize me
• disappoint me   • discount me     • embarrass me   • hurt me  • ignore me   • judge me  • leave me  • lie to me • reject me  • upset me
• make me do something I don’t want to do   • ridicule me   •  think less of me   • take advantage of me  • tell my secrets   • threaten me  • try to control me   • turn against me
• undermine me      (by Burt Giges)

Re Themselves
• be honest with themselves and us in important matters
• tell us their truth, or if they don’t feel safe doing so, be clear as to why
• opt for compromise when we differ on important matters
communication• consistently keep their promises to us
• be respectfully direct and assertive with us, rather than aggressive or submissive
Re Us
• accept us for who we are – rather than what we sound like, how we look,  or what we do or have
• affirm & encourage us in troubled times  (VS. ignore or criticize)
• appreciate our personal talents as well as accept our limitations
• balance our flaws & mistakes with the good they see in us
• confront us directly when they need to, in a loving, sympathetic way (VS. shaming or being insensitive)

• listen to us with compassion, when we need to vent (VS. fix us / solve our problems fgood listeneror us)
• respect  our choice of friends, activities, and spirituality (VS. automatically agree with)
• respect our needs, opinions, habits, and beliefs – equally with their own – even if we conflict
• respect our limits and boundaries, including times when we need privacy or solitude  (it’s not a rejection)
• understand and empathize with us, within their limits

NEXT: How to Trust


One thought on “HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 3)

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