IF I PAY ATTENTION
I’ll know who to trust!
PREVIOUS: Healthy Trusting #2
• Being a safely trusting person is based on having a relatively healthy Inner Self we can depend on to correctly evaluate our environment & be able to identify how people, places or things make us feel emotionally & physically (in our gut)
• It does not mean being naive, a patsy or unrealistic, which is Over-T.
• While some of us are naturally better at reading body language & have higher social intelligence, others have to work at it, but it can be accomplished
• When we first meet people we can’t know if they’re going to be honest, dishonest or some mix. With exposure, over time, we will be able to tell if someone is reliable, & we can also take note of things like verbal inconsistencies & physical cues of lying or evading.
Interesting: Nancy Carter and J. Mark Weber (2010) surveyed a group of MBA students in Toronto & found that 85% believed cynical people (low-trusting) are better at detecting liars. Carter & Weber then filmed people in fake job interviews, half of whom were told to include some lies. These videos were then shown to the original students.
To everyone’s surprise it was the high-trusting participants (not acoa-type over-trusters) who had the best lie-detecting scores – they were the most sensitive to deceit, noticing physical giveaways like fidgeting & changes in voice tone & pitch. The cynics scored the worst, more often ‘hiring’ the participants who had lied – which shows that using skepticism as a defense can be a handicap! (MORE….)
• that even tho low-trusters will usually assume others are lying to them – perhaps as a project of their own tendency to lie – they are not very good at actually spotting when others are being dishonest
• because high-trusters are better at spotting lies, they are less fearful of being duped, making it easier for them to be comfortable in the world & take social risks. Also, when people are predisposed to trusting others, in general, they are perceived by others to be trustworthy (MORE… )
PRACTICAL TRUST comes from assessing other people’s:
a. Ability – base your expectations on some proof that the other person has the knowledge & ability to function in a way that meets your needs or requirements
EXP: Check their credential & references, give a trial period & then re-evaluate, ONLY ask them for what you KNOW they have to offer from first-hand experience or reliable sources
b. Integrity – how well the other person keeps to the principles that are acceptable to you AND that you’ve mutually agreed on, including:
• meaning what they say
• a history of follow-thru
• honoring standards of legality, fairness, excellence…..
(This may still require a written contact, to cover unforeseen future changes or difficulties)
EXP: — your spouse keeping their promise of fidelity
— the company you work for providing all their stated commitments
— the contractor does the remodeling job, & for the price quoted
c. Respect/Caring – developed over time, so you know that the person:
• is concerned enough about your welfare to either be of help, or at least not get in your way, OR
• has your best interest at heart & their motives are ‘clean’, OR
• will do anything they can (appropriately) to be there for you, thru thick or thin, while still taking care of themselves
EXPRESSIONS of Trusting SAFE people
BY HAVING THE:
• ‘Trust’ glue or cement of good relationships that allows your True Self to flourish
• Inner sense of acceptance you have with a person who you can share secrets with, because they’re safe
• Sense that things are fine between you – so that, come what may – nothing can disrupt the bond you have with each other
• Ability to let others into your life & build relationships based on mutual respect, caring and concern – allowing both to grow & mature independently
• Emotional health to be vulnerable enough to rely on appropriate others – giving them the opportunity to treat you in a fair, open & honest way
BEING ABLE TO:
• Let others know your feelings, emotions & reactions, while having the confidence in them to respect you & not take advantage
• Share your inner feelings and thoughts with others with the belief – from experience – that they won’t spread them indiscriminately
• Place confidence in the right people so that they can be supportive & reinforcing, even when you’re exposing weaknesses
• Assume that others will not intentionally hurt or abuse you if you should make an error or a mistake
• Open yourself up to let others in on your background, problems, concerns and mistakes with the assurance that they will not ostracize you because of these things
NEXT: Being Trustworthy