ACoAs: REBUILDING Trust (Part 2)


rebulding trust 

TRUST STARTS WITH ME –
but I have a right to reciprocation

PREVIOUS: Rebuilding Trust (Part 1)

If you stay with someone who’s betrayed your trust AND the other person is willing to face & correct their behavior:
b. As the Violated person you will need to:
• identify & deal with painful emotions of betrayal (shock, anger, hurt, disappointment, fear…) — instead of excusing the other by minimizing the bad behavior, the practical consequences & emotional distress
• ask for total transparency – no more lying or double-dealing. They need to be forthcoming without always being proddedself-pity

• adjust your expectations to what is actually possible in this situation.  This includes evaluating any unrealistic expectations or demands you have of the other person
• believe the friend or spouse’s actions not their words, going forward

• be respectful, positive, kind (not punishing or vengeful) but stay awake
• look at yourself too, for any way you may have contributed to the problem.  You did not cause their behavior but may have helped create a climate which contributed to the other person’s acting out – including by things you did NOT do or sayforgive?

• decide if you can forgive.  This does not mean overlooking or whitewashing their behavior.  It’s more about understanding the reasons behind it & having some compassion for their weaknesses – knowing that the choices the other person made are expressions of their WIC.  But the actions are still unacceptable, so letting go of the hurt may take time

QUALITIES to promote a GOOD Relationship – Each person BEING:
Appreciative – don’t take each other for granted & keep your expectations realistic. Say thank you when deserved & give compliments when appropriate & sincere
Caring & Kind – Don’t stop saying “I love you”. Find ways to be thoughtful, & to consider the other person’s tastes & preferences. Even when angry, try to state you feelings in a way that wcouples loveill do the least amount of emotional damage.  You’re more likely to be heard & it prevents a buildup of resentments in the other

Fun to be around – a sense of humor is always welcome. Plan enjoyable things to do together that are relaxing & entertaining. Have your own interests as well, so you have something new to contribute
Helpful – approach problems together. Combine the best skills & natural talents of each to solve difficulties, creating a greater sense of unity & strength

Positive – think positively about yourselves (but not with arrogance),  & treat the other from the same frame of mind. Start with the assumption that you are good people with the possibility of growth & happiness, without overlooking limitations & flaws in both of you

Respectful – appreciate & value your differences, as well as enjoying your similarities. Don’t try to communicatechange the other, but be clear about what you need & would like to see improved in the relationship
Trustworthy – see the list in previous post. Be consistent!
Understanding – encourage open communication of needs, opinions & emotions. Be approachable, willing to listen & when necessary, be able to handle things you may find hard to hear

NEXT: Double Messages – Basics #2

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