PREVIOUS: Being Confident (Part 5)
QUOTE: “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” Einstein
NOTE: This is a continuation of the Double Messages posts. Please read or review those.
DOUBLE BINDS (DBs)
In the D.Messages posts, we looked at one side of this harmful transaction – mainly that of the Sender. All the basic components are the same for DBs, except for the crucial difference – the perspective of the Receiver (DMs, #2).
• The other side of the transaction is the Double Bind. One way this happens TO the R. is when someone hears words said to them in such a way that the accompanying actions or non-verbal communications directly contradict the spoken words.
EXP: a mother screams at her child “I love you and you better believe it or I’ll whip you!”
• DBs are created by DMs as logic fails, Boolean questions** (in 3 parts) being asked in binary terms (in 2 parts). That doesn’t work. A person is presenting with a 3-way, no-win situation: You’re damned if you do / Damned if you don’t, and / Damned if you notice that you’re damned either way.
• Accepting or trying to deal with DMs leads to a great deal of angst, causing the R to think:
Re. Actions: “I must do them both, but I can’t, but I must, but I….- If I don’t I’m really bad!” OR, in other cases
Re. Emotions: “I have to make sense of the 2 sides, but they don’t make sense, but I have to, but I can’t … I must be crazy!”
Since DMs are inherently irrational, they must NOT be honored, which then eliminates the D.Bind.
**Boolean Logic: the main operations are the conjunction ‘and’, shown as ∧, the disjunction ‘or’, shown as ∨, and the negation ‘not’, denoted ¬ (MORE…) corresponding to the 3 major components of the DM.
TYPEs OF D.BINDs
CONFLICT : A struggle between equal and opposing forces (intentions). ”Part of me wants to and part of me doesn’t.”
DILEMMA: A situation requiring a choice between two equally (un)desirable alternatives. “I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”
IMPASSE: A situation where the intention to progress is stopped by a difficulty which can’t be overcome. “I keep banging my head against a brick wall.”
PARADOX: A self-contradictory statement (or statements). ”My head aches from trying to stop you giving me a headache.” (MORE….) Also see chart in DBs – Part 2
EMOTIONAL BIND patterns focus on giving you the illusory choice of how to feel. It’s less harmful but still manipulative:
— Which chair would feel better, the soft one or the hard one?
— Would you feel better if I ignored you or talked to you?
— Which restaurant would you enjoy eat at, Olive Garden or Red Lobster?…..
>> The manipulation is expressed as limiting your physical & emotional choices.
The questions presented in binary form (either-or) eliminate the larger truth: that in reality you have several other possibilities, like – MAYBE YOU :
— would rather stand rather than sit, OR perhaps leave
— are not interested in me either way, OR maybe prefer to talk later
— don’t like Italian food OR chain restaurants, OR not hungry
NOTE: You’re not in a bind if you’re ‘allowed’ to speak up, object or offer a 3rd choice. However, if you don’t go along with the other person’s suggestions, and the they get angry, acts hurt, plead, whine, make you feel guilty, threaten to leave…. you’re being offered a DB. Stick to your guns AND don’t feel bad!
SENDERS create DB. Many do so unconsciously or ‘accidentally’, but others are quite aware & unscrupulous about using it on their targets. The key to controlling a person or group (cleverly) is not by overt domination – by not forcing someone’s mind to do what it doesn’t want to do, the same as with hypnosis.
Rather, it’s by taking advantage of the paths the mind normally wants to go down – like teaching an animal to do tricks using what comes naturally to them. Once a person or group’s thinking is understood, DBs can be applied to make them compliant.
● DBs are designed to chronically bewilder, a devious way to control others without having to be overtly forceful, in order to keep a R attached and do whatever the S wants. They usually start with seduction – the carrot on a stick. The S offers some bait to set the trap in the form of a (short-term) benefit to the victim. Rs who are too trusting, ignorant or need to ‘believe‘ find out too late that the carrot is poisoned – the benefit comes with a blindfold & a gag! By then it’s much harder to get out of the snare – BUT not impossible.
• This manipulation works because: while people feel an internal pressure to act on their survival instincts – yet they will follow powerful ‘others’ even when it’s at odds with those instincts. External pressure can come from a peer group, an anonymous crowd, national leaders & laws, orders from superiors, expectations of family and friends, or blindly obeying someone’s interpretation of God & Scripture.
— We ‘allow’ ourselves to be swayed because of the Inner Child’s conflict between autonomy & attachment (See DMs – Part 4). Any need or belief which compels people to feel locked into a particular course of action leaves them open to being misled. IF there seems to be no choice, the pre-planned “fate” devised by someone else is accepted unchallenged.
• There are as many variations of the bind structure as there are egos.
One way to categorize the sequence of the game is:
> Conflict, dilemma, impasse, paradox (More….)
Another way is:
> Withdrawal, aggression, superiority/inferiority, authenticity/bullshit binds.
POSITIVE Double Binds used for therapeutic or spiritual teaching will be suggested in “DBs – Part 9”
NEXT: Double Binds (Part 2)