PREVIOUS: KFY (Part 1)
KFY is NOT a justification for our narcissism! (cont.)
Please Review Part 1
KFY may mean FACING pain, like that YOU:
— had a traumatic childhood you’re afraid to admit & dealt with
— don’t like yourself very much, altho you’re ‘supposed to’
— feel like your life is way out of control, but don’t know how to fix it
— hate your job, but afraid to change, holding on until retirement
— hate salads, even though you eat one every day for lunch
— know it’s time to let go of some illusions, but are still hoping
— think your friends only like you because you do so much for them
— want to take risks, but sure you’ll make mistakes or be rejected
— want a divorce, but are afraid to leave & be alone
— want to change but don’t know how.
Your life is a mess.
It could mean YOU’RE:
– depressed, & have been for decades
– exhausted, even though it doesn’t seem you’ve done much today
– supposed to love parent/ mate/ child/ friend…. but don’t (or not anymore)
– terrified of commitment, but also terribly lonely
– not getting any younger, & have so many regrets……
Adapted from Karen R Koenig
“Keep the Focus on Yourself” (KFY) requires positive Self-honesty: It means always looking for & admitting OUR motives & emotions that propelling thoughts & actions! (without shame, guilt or S-H).
They may come from the WIC, our Bad Parent – OR – our healthy adult/Loving parent UNIT. So they’re not always a negative. We can have legitimately positive motives, (not co-dependent), as long as we never ignore our own needs & values.
WAYS to KFY
Mind your own business
More than anything else KFY is about staying out of other people’s lives (adults) – no matter how dysfunctional they may be, how much we think we can help them, AND no matter how much we love them. In almost all cases, they have had many opportunities to get the help we think they need, but have ignored or blatantly rejected every one. We need to stay on our side of the fence & not get “all up in their business”!
(SEE “Rescuing” and “Healthy Helping” posts)
Unhealthy EXP: “I’ve been over-monitoring my daughters’ actions & feelings because I feel guilty & responsible for her damage” (not mainly because I love her & want her best)
Be your own Motivator
KFY means being in charge of our own decisions, choices & actions.
ACoAs, Co-Deps & addicts use other people, substances or circumstances to give us a reason to function – or an excuse to withdraw from life. We can work, go, help, risk…. as long as it’s for someone/thing outside of ourselves.
Yet, we have SO many of the skills needed to run our own life! We must use them to take care of our Inner Child first, before thinking of others.
Healthy EXP: “I took that trip abroad so I could learn more about my career & improve my performance” (not to please my boss or make myself look good)
Be Responsible for yourself
KFY means identifying Toxic Beliefs that drive us & work on correcting them, so we can be in charge of ourselves & our actions in the world. We do not have the right to expect anyone else to do that for us – our whole life can pass by while we wait for that. Even if we find someone who will, it always comes with a high price – being controlled, keeping us immature, preventing healing & expressing our potential.
1/2 &1/2 EXP: “I wanted that bigger car because it makes me feel important” (not because my wife liked it)
Listen To Your Gut
KFY means listening to & trusting our True-Self Inner Voice. There’s a difference between being jerked around by our PP or WIC’s emotions & obsessions, steeped in anxiety from obeying while also trying to resist the Toxic Rules, -vs- True-Self information provided by our intuitive gut. It’s that still small feeling in the center of our body that won’t go away – telling us when something is right or wrong for us. Trust “I know what I know”. Once we get quiet inside (with a lot less fear) we can listen to those instinct. We’ll be surprised how accurate it can turn out to be.
Healthy EXP: “I stopped being friends with that woman because I kept getting that ‘ICH’ feeling in my gut whenever we talked” (even though we had a lot of things in common)