I CAN CONTROL ANYONE
when I’m angry!
PREVIOUS: Anger – positive uses
SITE: “The Downside of Anger”
HEALTHY anger (the emotion) is one form of energy, motivating us to speak up, to stand up for ourselves or get people together to make changes for the better. Normally, there can be a wide range of possible feelings, which most of the time come & go rather quickly. They tend to be brief because healthy people will take some action to deal with whatever the cause, using whichever tools work best in the situation.
When they must put off solving a problem or difficulty, they don’t waste time & energy endlessly mulling over the limitation, frustration, illness, being wronged….. Instead, they figure out what their realistic options are, & then move on to something else, waiting for the right time to act – it at all possible. If not, they deal with their anger & then let go!
SITE: “Join the grouchy club: Why negative emotions can be a force for good”
UNHEALTHY anger, on the other hand:
1. Doesn’t happen enough
• Repressing our anger teaches others that it’s totally OK to be unkind & insensitive. AND, it also allows them continue being less socially & emotionally skillful, less socially aware & less valuable in society.
• Leaking it out indirectly teaches others that we’re not safe to be around, not emotionally skilled & not empathically aware
2. Happens too much, more than 5-6x a week, as in having ‘a chip on your shoulder’, making others feel they have to walk on eggshells around the chronically angry person
3. Lasts a long time – more than a day, for around 30% of people. It tends to go along with obsessions, Toxic Beliefs, CDs, S-H & difficulty with personal boundaries. For ACoAs, anger & rage often lasts for months, even years – with no resolution, because: • we deny the depth & breadth of the anger
• are not allowed to feel angry, especially at our parents
• have never been taught how to express it correctly & productively
4. Expressed badly (unsuccessful/harmful): swearing, insults, shouting, using food or chemicals to calm down/numb out, giving the cold shoulder, retaliating, spreading rumors, malicious gossip…..
5. Over-reactive – the intensity of emotion & physical/verbal expression is out of proportion to the trigger – because the current incident stepped on a ‘sore toe’ from past abuse. And if others also get angry in reaction to us, things can easily escalate, often obscuring the original upset.
6. Causes big problems. When situations which cause anger are not solved or walked away from, anger will build until there’s some kind of explosion, leading to trouble (being expelled or fired, arrested, injuring others, illness, bad relationships…) T.E.A. circles
INTERESTING: In Chinese medicine, Emotions are considered large movements of energy which override the Qi’s usual flow through the channels & tributaries of the body. The 5 main emotions = their 5 movements of energy: Anger, Joy, Meditation, Fear, Grief. ANGER energy gets pushed out in a jagged way, which disturbs the Liver, whose job is to lift energy up to the Spirit, at the center of the Sheng Cycle.
• Used in Acupuncture, the SHENG cycle (def.) represents creativity, generation & production, in which each of the 5 elements feeds Qi to the one on its right, clockwise – creating that next one, as a mother creates a child. (Scroll down to 5 element chart) / ALSO: “Applying the 5 elements”
EXP: LIVER = Wood transforms (by burning) into HEART = Fire. Wood is the Element of determination, anger & assertion. It produces the creative urge to achieve – which can turn to anger when frustrated. Wood-anger, expressed aggressively, can also come from not feeling in control of life events.
Wood-Children: The root cause of their physical complaints can be traced back to a difficult birth &/or a painful childhood, when parents over- controlled with harsh discipline or too much structure. As adults, these people’s emotions range mostly from frustration to hopelessness. They will shout & act assertive, be pushy & want others to push back. BUT they also want to know that others are in control, so they can relax. The color green will seen to float above the skin, like a glow….(MORE...)
BITTERNESS has been described as “the crusty disease that grow on unprocessed anger…. which has boiled, simmered, & then found so unpalatable that it has been thrown into the deep freeze of our unconscious psyches. Refrigeration doesn’t work well, as cooled anger turns to resentment & bitterness. It has an annoying tendency to leak out at inappropriate times, upsetting good relationships, disturbing our dreams & filling us with a vague discontent.” ~ Elizabeth Spring MA
• According to Philosophy Prof Dr. R.C Solomon, U of TX:
Resentment/bitterness is directed at someone of higher status than oneself, Anger at those of equal status, & Contempt at those of lower-status. These are painful emotions which mainly harm us, but inevitably spill over onto others (targets).
— The underlying cause of Bitterness (tree) comes from having suffered long-term abuse at a time when one truly was or felt powerless to stop it.
— Resentment, which is focused on someone else, can easily be triggered by remembering a very upsetting experience at their hands.
— When turned on oneself, resentment becomes remorse.
• These unacknowledged hurts can take the form of: Animosity, Antagonism, Implacability (not appease-able), Hatred, Infantile Narcissism, Pathological Pride, Vindictiveness, Verbal & Emotional cruelty. (Explanations….).
Al-Anon reminds us: “Expectations are planned disappointments, leading to resentment.” There are many things in the present we can attach our resentments to, but all are smoke screens for the underlying pain, usually from unresolved childhood trauma.
NEXT: Negative Uses (Part 2)