PREVIOUS: Anger – Negative uses (#2)
SITE: List of phrases about anger or conflict (date rape, hot-blooded, road rage, tit-for-tat….)
See ‘ACRONYM’ page for abbrev.
NOTE: The following posts give several versions of the BASIC ways to categorize how people react to their own or other people’s anger/rage (Unsafe ‘In or Out’ & Safe).
DEALING with Anger – ours & others’
A & C – OUTWARD : directed at other people, places or things
A. Indirect, sneaky or passive ways of taking out ones anger on others without admitting or dealing with it
C. Direct, being:
• Assaultive – physical, verbal & sexual cruelty
• Aggressive – attack on the other person’s identity rather than on their actions/non-actions
CHART: ‘Captain Cranky”
B. – INWARD: anger is suppressed & used against oneself, for FEAR of:
— hurting / offending others
— being disliked / rejected
— losing control
— disobeying “Never get angry”
— the emotional intensity
— losing close relationships
It can be EXPRESSED as:
— anxiety, guilt, illness, tiredness
— any form of self harm
— lack of sexual desire
— all types of Self-Hate
— all addictive behavior
— whining, complaining
— little communication / quiet remoteness, depression
D. Anger RESOLUTION, finding direct ways to managing, changing or leaving problem situations, using the Healthy Adult ego state
This chart contrasts the Ostrich (Passive), Rhinoceros (Aggressive) & Elephant (Healthy) ways of dealing with anger :
• Ostrich = ignore, deny emotion / • Rhino = attack, deny responsibility
• Elephant (best) = be calm, understand, negotiate, expressed by:
1. Knowing ‘anger-signals’, from self or others, & then staying awake for their appearance
2. Using a variety of productive & safe ways to respond (MORE….)
One of these protocols:
• Face & deal with the problem
• Ask questions to have enough information to solve the problem
• Re-frame the situation – “What else could this mean?”
Don’t take criticism personally, but learn from it – if it fits
• Disconnect from ‘ego’ to be part of the solution
• Use the S.M.A.R.T. action plan to solve problems
• Ask yourself what you can learn from this situation
• Then let it go of the whole thing. Forgive yourself, if appropriate
ELEPHANT JOURNAL Article : “How anger serves us & How to let go”
MOOD MAPS can be used to become aware of our own anger & place to in relation to other emotions. (Chart)
CHART: A healthy expression of anger is one way to be assertive (not aggressive).
— Unhealthy expression is to dump anger – either at others or at oneself.
— Doing nothing with one’s anger is a form of suppression/denial & leads to depression.
NOTE: Sounding FIRM is not automatically an expression of anger. It can simply mean being sure of something, determination or wanting to make a point. This also applies to teaching, correcting & providing discipline, which is meant to guide & support.
— However, if you hear firmness, corrections or giving direction as an attack or put-down, when it’s not meant as such, the WIC will experience the same fear & weakness as if it were, based on childhood trauma.
NEXT: Ways to React (Part 2)