SITE: “Ultimate anger release….”
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
QUOTE: “He who angers you, controls you!”
BELIEFS – T or F.
● can be relieved or released by yelling, hitting, kicking or punching things (not people)….. & always needs to be vented / dumped
F: Some studies have shown that people who arbitrarily vent their anger in aggressive ways simply get better at being angry. Yelling or punching, something will release tension, but by itself doesn’t deal with the underlying problem (Post: Categories #10 — “Volcanic anger”)
T: Appropriately releasing anger is called “catharsis”. Along with some form Cognitive-Behavioral therapy, a physical release of stored anger/rage is necessary for full Recovery, especially – but not exclusively – for people who are Kinesthetically oriented. This can be in the form of Brain Re-patterning, Trauma Release work, Core Energetics, Psychodrama, pounding in a safe, private place…. (MORE…… // Anger & exercise)
● is relieved or eliminated by talking it out
F: In her book “Anger:The Misunderstood Emotion”, Carol Tavris states, “Talking out an emotion doesn’t reduce it, it rehearses it.” This is true for many who want to stay angry because it prevents them from feeling vulnerable.” This way of dealing with anger is just resentment – because we’re only thinking about it (T), instead of actually feeling it (E).
T: It’s a way to start the process of becoming aware & owning how much hidden rage we have stored in our unconscious and in our body (muscles, organs, cells….)
NOTE: ACoA/FoO therapy will often increase our awareness of the anger we’ve stored from childhood anger/rage – temporarily – as we come out of denial (thaw frozen emotions) about how much damage we suffered as kids. Then crying & body-work is needed for release.
● is healthy when expressed by children (as tantrums & other uncontrolled forms….) – because it staves off future neurosis
F: No – because when it’s willy-nilly, it teaches the child they can spew their rage onto others whenever & where ever they want – & sometimes hurt themselves. Actually, tantrums lessen when they’re ignored, not reinforced, or when children are expected to talk about & take responsibility for their emotions.
T: Yes – when the child is guided safely to express their frustration, hurt or fear which generate anger, by using words & physical movement, (anger-work such as pounding pillows), so they learn that they can have strong ‘difficult’ emotions & know how to get them out in the right way.
● is the result of human conflict
F: Damaged parents dump their anger on their young ones even when the children haven’t done anything to ‘deserve/earn’ it. And – as adults we can just as easily be angry/cranky/mean because of internal unhappiness & S-H as from what others do or don’t do.
ALSO, a leading experts on anger has found that people can get angry by being exposed to foul odors, aches and pains, hot temperatures — none of which involve (or can be blamed on) the actions of others. (MORE….)
T: Continual conflict can easily escalate from irritation & frustration to rage to homicide or war. On a smaller scale, other people can push our buttons, especially the ones we haven’y dealt with (BUTTONS: being accused wrongly, being disappointed or disrespected, ignored….). Wars are fought over being wronged in some way, generating anger, OR greed on a large-scale, which doesn’t have to do with anger
● is a legitimate way to get people to listen & give respect & obey
F: This is the way bullies think, and someone who is truly respected doesn’t need or want to be a bully. Anger is indeed used by top sale people, CEOs & other power-hungry people to manipulate, intimidate & control – but it’s aggression – which is abusive. Expressing ourselves in a hostile way will only make people dislike & distrust us. Others are more willing to listen to our opinions when they are treated fairly & spoken to with respect.
NOTE: Most ACoAs confuse assertion with aggression
Aggressiveness is used to harm, dominate, intimidate or injure another. The goal is to “win at any cost,” with no concern for others well-fare.
Assertiveness is when we express opinions &/or emotions, such as anger, in the ‘I form’ – which is honest and respectful of others. We don’t have to accuse, blame or threaten, so we can minimize the chance of emotional harm.
● is all about getting even
F: Getting-even-anger can be about revenge/payback, about wanting fairness, or childish tit-for-tat. But there are many other reasons for our anger, such as letting off steam over accumulated frustrations, asserting authority or independence, to deny feeling vulnerable which covers up fear we may not even admit to. However, the main one is to protect ourselves from abuse. (Post: Categories # 10 — “Retaliatory anger”)
● when suppressed, it always has negative health problems
F: This is not inevitable, particularly if we are in control of whatever situation is causing the anger, but it may cause problems in relationships
Also, the latest research has disproved the theory that suppressed anger results in stomach ulcers. Bacterial infections or drugs that attack the lining of the stomach are the most common causes (Post: Categories #10 — “Somatized anger”)
T/F: Researchers have discovered there can sometimes be a correlation between anger & depression, but not always, & not automatically. Sometimes there is just anger, & sometimes there is just depression (such as when it’s physical/hereditary)
• is taken too seriously!
F: The venter/spewer thinks & often says that other people should understand they didn’t meant what they said in the ‘heat of the moment’.
However – often times they meant exactly what they said, but needed the fuel of anger to let it out – even if it’s sometimes exaggerated. AND – regardless of the rager’s intention – people do feel legitimately hurt, embarrassed, humiliated &/or afraid.
● increases as we get older
F: It’s the other way around — as people age, they report fewer difficult/painful/intense emotions, and greater emotional control. People – like wine and cheese – do tend to improve with age. Research shows that the angriest people are 14 yrs old boys!
NEXT: ACoAs & Humiliation (#1)