I WANT TO MOVE FORWARD
but he/she doesn’t
PREVIOUS: Being responsible (#5)
SITE: Hypnosis Downloads: “Overcome fear of commitment & get the real benefit of relationship”
DEF: — the attitude of working very hard to do or support something
— a promise to do or give something, to be loyal to someone or something. Ongoing, permanent – if at all possible (‘Til death do us part’)
— the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally driven
— an agreement to perform a particular activity at a certain time in the future, under certain circumstances
POEM – by Ashbash 1/13/2005
• Commitment is what transforms the promise into reality
• It is the words that speak boldly of your intentions, & the actions which speak louder than the words
• It is making the time when there is none
• Coming through time after time after time, year after year after year.
• Commitment is the stuff character is made of
• It is the power to change the face of things
• It is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism
➼ When I say I love you, I mean that I’m committed to loving you even when it’s hard.
GENERAL: Fear of Commitment (FoC) is usually talked about in terms of relationships. However, the issue is much broader than that. Lack of commitment shows up in not pursuing or completing: education, career, hobbies, work projects, ones hopes & dreams, ideals & ethics – as well as relationships…. anything we’re procrastinating about, or avoiding.
It is most often something we want very badly but which our unrealistic or inaccurate beliefs keep us from pursuing
• Or it may be having trouble deciding on anything – where to travel on vacation, what to eat in a restaurant, which courses or job to take, go to the party or stay home…. because they don’t know ‘who they are’, wanting to do everything at once, afraid someone will be mad at them, afraid to make the wrong decision…. (See posts: “Putting things off // Procrastination”)
People who have FoC may be Gamophobic, fear of getting married, & extends to fear of being in or committing to relationships. This fear is caused by a number of personal experiences &/or observation of the negative effects of bad relationships, domestic violence, divorce, parents never married…. exacerbated by their own underlying emotional condition. Fear of being trapped, inability to trust, abandonment terror, depression….intensifies the fear, so they’ve concluded that marriage is/will inevitably be harmful to them.
• The long-term inability to allow oneself to be vulnerable & show one’s ‘bad parts’ is a sign of a personality disorder. In severe cases, they may like or love someone, but IF that person returns the affection & wants to be together permanently, the gamophobe can easily change their attraction into fault-finding, disdain, even hate. This is usually done unconsciously, using the other person’s ‘limitations’ as an excuse to push them away. Turning love into hate, or over-valuing & then under-valuing a partner – without an appropriate reason – is a defense mechanism. Often, the sufferer knows their fears are unreasonable or exaggerated, but feel powerless to change.
Gamophobia is found more often in men, because the real or potential harm they fear can have greater consequences socially, financially, legally and personally. Of course, it is a very common fear is all categories of ACoAs.
SIGNS of AVOIDING Emotional Commitment (using T.E.A.)
• have a long list of impossible requirements, too high expectations, make assumptions about that they’ll get from the other person or from the relationship
• afraid to lose other (possibly better) options
• focus on the negatives of the other person, continually criticizing / hurting their partners
• compulsively having one foot ‘out the door’, thinking or saying “I can always leave if you….”
• afraid / refuse to talk about a future with partner
• over-reactions, mood swings, unwilling to talk about emotions
• only have a series of superficial relationships that can’t go anywhere
• unjustified jealousy, always worrying about ‘being left’, not being worthy, making a mistake
• tend to always be depressed, needy or angry, which keeps others away
• always looking for / chasing new sexual partners, no matter how unsuitable, unhealthy, unstable (even when in a relationship)
• form attachment as long as no long-term demands are put on them (moving in, marriage, having children…)
• unwilling to risk — trying new things, moving out of ones comfort zone
• isolate & avoid situations where they could meet potential dates/lovers… from fear of criticism, loss of freedom &/ or identity
• date only ‘unavailable’ people (addicts, married, narcissists, long distance…), &/or people they’re ashamed of
• leave too soon, before giving it a change – find fault with everything, run at the first sign of conflict or power struggle
• frequent job/career changes, &/or address changes
• often backing out of plans at the last-minute
NEXT: Fear of Commitment (#2)