Fear of Commitment – General (Part 2)


love distancing 

I WANT TO STAY WITH HIM
but he only want his freedom

PREVIOUS: Fear of Commitment (#1)

POSTS:Relationship Stages” // “Unrealistic expectations”

 

SYMPTOMS: When reading the following list – & while holding your WIC – picture something you find hard to commit to – not just relationships, but anything you’re afraid to do or continue with. See how many of these items apply to that situation. Add any you have also experienced.

1. IN OURSELVES
Mental (including CDs)
•  are sure you have a fatal illness (aids, cancer…)
• feel “unreal” – detached, not yourselfgoing crazy
• focus on bad / scary images & movies about the subject
• obsess about the subject (whatever you’re avoiding)
• no motivation, can’t make decisions, confused
• scared of fainting, losing control or going crazy
• trouble thinking about anything other than the fear

Emotional
Anticipatory Anxiety – Persistent worry about upcoming events that involve any form of commitment
Breathing: shortness of breath, smothering sensation, feeling of choking
Compulsion: Overwhelming impulse to flee the situation, but the perceived danger is only in your mind – tough to understand or resist
General: hot or cold flashes, temporary muscle weakness

Gut: nausea or stomach distress, diarrhea
Head: dizzy, feeling unsteady, light-headed, faintfear-sick
Limbs: Trembling, shaking, tingling, joint pain
Moods: high levels of Anger, Sadness, Fear, Hurt & Guilt
Physical Apathy: lethargic, depressed, sleepy
Terror: Constant & overwhelming fear of the ‘issue’
Torso: Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate, chest pain or discomfort, numbness

IN OTHERS
FoC in Women – While women are often portrayed as ‘commitment crazy / hungry’, changes in social & moral rules make it easier for them to act out this fear, no matter how well disguised. (MORE: “Why women Won’t Commit”). Women who are socially awkward, have social anxiety, fear of being trapped, or in the closet – can now stay single & not be judged for it (except by very conservative communities!). Some of the symptoms for men, listed below, will apply to women as well, so go thru them carefully with that in mind.
➼ Biggest hint that a “Stayer” type woman is also commitment phobic – repeatedly clinging to ‘unavailable’ partners! Love a commitment-phobe?

Also – SHE: (SITE)
• has a lot of friends, whom she prefers to be with, & doesn’t want you to meet
• is often quite successful at work, doing well there because it represents her identity, but not good at emotional intimacy
• won’t discuss her inner life or feelings with you – either being very shut down or afraid to share her deepest self
• is only interested in her own likes & needs, not yours
• is often extremely critical of you – nothing is ever good enough. It keep others off balance & not too close
• may seem independent & ‘self-assured’, but her unpredictable mood swings say she’s insecure & scared
• will flirt with others when she’s out with you, talk a lot about her old lovers, stay in touch with them as ‘friends’, or need to cheat on you

FoC In Men – Pay attention: don’t overlook these symptoms if you want a healthy, serious, long-term connection. (The list is longer because this fear is more often seen in men – but also applies to many ACoAs). HE:charmer
uses charm & learned social skills to hook you, coming on strong at first. Once you’re caught, he’s not so pleasant or easy to be around
• keeps conversations & emotions superficial, & never talks about a future together
• won’t take NO for an answer – can’t handle conflict or rejection
• won’t stand for assertiveness. If you’re healthy enough to be clear about your needs, set boundaries & don’t agree with everything, he’ll leave
• doesn’t introduced you to his friends, relatives or co-workers

• hasn’t taken you to his place, but if he has – it’s either a total wreck, or looks like a hotel room
• will only talk about himself, & not be curious or interested in who you are, what you think, what’s important to you
• takes no responsibility for his choices (anything he does, says or feels) but blames you for unpleasant situations that occur. You end up feeling crazy – & angry. He won’t talk about it, & if you try, he’ll sulk or get mad
• won’t call ahead, call to connect or call to change plans, won’t say where he has been or what he’s been doing
• a last-minute planner, so he’s not committing to anything (or you), or giving you a chance to choose the activity. If he agrees to a plan you pick, he’s be late or cancelnon-stayers

• will actually say “You know I’m not the staying kind”, “I’m no good for you” … but will show up periodically (when lonely or horny)
• won’t do anything to accommodate you & your tastes. He’ll hate changing his way of doing things, even a little
won’t be around when you need help, so if you ask, he’ll make an excuse or give you the number of someone else. OR he’ll do only the things he wants, his way, not what you actually need or how it suits you.
• is often late, ‘forgets’, is unavailable, ‘away’ – a lot
• looses interest when things get serious. One day he’ll just disappear, with no explanation, or leave – blaming you for it not working out!
(modified from articles by Larry Cappel & Rashida Khilawala)
EXP: Chandler on “Friends”, Mr.Big on “Sex & the City”

Typically, the closer you get to what you’re afraid of, the greater your anxiety (fear) will be. Identify the severity of your problem with this 2-minute online fear of commitment TEST.

NEXT – FoC – ACoAs (Part 1)

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