I DUMP ON ANYONE
who tries to love me
PREVIOUS: FoC – ACoAs, Part 3a
SITE: “10 most common fear” & more….
QUOTE: ‘The worst thing isn’t fear of commitment – the worst thing is being with the wrong person because of fear of loneliness”. ~ ANON
2. RE-ENACTING (cont.)
As stated in Part 1, besides ‘close’ relationships, FoC also shows up as not giving our all at school or work, at home or in public…. It’s a fear of giving our best, convinced that our best will be considered “not good enough”. That leaves us ashamed, lonely & scared.
BUT – ‘not-our-best’ according to whom??? Well, as long as our WIC is running things (via beliefs & emotions) we are living in the past, assuming everyone will treat us exactly like our family did/does, even when we’ve had many experiences to the contrary.
a. F. of Abandonment (Part 1)
b. F of leaving family of origin – we can’t C. to anything we would like if it takes us away from ‘them’. IF WE:
— are so ‘under their thumb’ that we’re not allowed to make our own choices, or let family pick for you (mates, career, where to live…)
— have emotional incest ties to a parent, we can’t have our own dyad
— are still dealing with a parent who is still an active addict, mentally ill or otherwise impaired, so we feel compelled to keep taking care of them, instead of ourselves
c. F of being vulnerable – To the WIC, C. to anything is leaving oneself open to all kinds of danger. As long as the WIC is in charge of relationships (of any kind), it believes that letting someone in, to see the ‘real us’ leaves us open to being hurt again. Of course the tragedy is that without enough recovery, it is exactly that ego-state which chooses our relationships – always unsuitable, unfulfilling or outright dangerous – which inevitably does add to our suffering! This fear leads to over-protecting ourselves, which can create a Double Bind – we’re damned if we pick someone to stay with (symbiosis), we’re damned if we keep everyone away (false boundaries).
d. F of being trapped – To the WIC, C. to anything means never being able have our own space to breathe, NOR to get out of it, if it doesn’t work out the way we hoped.
As kids we were trapped with ‘them’, & they were trapped with each other, in dead-end jobs, with relatives they hated, & most of all trapped in their own damage. We swore we’d never let that happen to us, so now we never commit to anything or anyone. We get trapped because of
• NO Options: not being allowed to choose (lovers, friends, mates…) for ourselves, whoever wants us gets us,whether we actually want them or not
• NO Boundaries – we automatically disappear / lose ourselves when around others, especially a mate. Not having access to our True Self, we don’t know what our needs, wants or tastes are, so we go along with whatever others expect, want, demand, imply…. This causes us to feel suffocated, ‘swamped’, overwhelmed when we / they get too close.
• NO Freedom: we’re stuck because, along with our own FoA, we’re not allowed to leave one of our toxic family rule: “If you don’t like you have to stay”). ACoAs react in one of 2 ways:
— either staying way too long in bad or unsuitable situations OR
— compulsively come & go, isolate or just keep running
A common pattern:“Come here-Go away” dance of FoC (see ‘Boundaries, Part 4’)
e. F. of responsibility
• as kids – To the WIC, C. meant we had to be responsible for everyone & everything, & no one taking care of us. We were forced to be responsible (R) for our unhappy angry, crazy, drunk parents, & sometimes our siblings. Many of us had to be the ‘designated adult’ even when we were very little, because of their incompetence, selfishness & addictions. We got the RULE loud & clear “Everyone else’s needs are more important than mine”.
—> EXPANDED explanation in post: “ACoAs – Being Responsible”
NEXT: FoC – Part 3