DATING IA HARD WORK!
I always have to be ‘on’
PREVIOUS: FoC – Part 4
QUOTE: “It is character that gets us out of bed, commitment that moves us to action, & discipline that enables us to follow through.” Zig Ziglar, motivational speaker & author
2. RE-ENACTING (cont.)
j. Fear of the Truth. To the WIC, C. to our growth & Recovery means admitting we failed – somehow!. Also, we’ll have to feel all that pain – & then we’ll go crazy or die!
ACoAs are intensely resistant to acknowledging how traumatic our childhood really was, & how severely damaged we are as a result. We love our family & don’t want to face how abusive & emotionally unavailable they were. Review (DMs – ACoAs). “Denial is not a river in Egypt!” (de Nile) says the pun. Denial prevents us from healing our wounds, which then keeps us from finding & keeping nourishing relationships.
One way this is expressed is seen in the chart. When we continually act out either STAYERor LEAVER ‘position’, as a form of false protection, we know that our WIC is in charge. “Leaving” isn’t just about walking away. It’s any form of being withholding, distant, ‘cool’, emotionally detached. Both groups are equally terrified of commitment, but it’s more visible in Leavers. C = Conscious / UC = Unconscious FoA = fear of Abandonment / FoC = fear of Commitment
3. SELF-DEFEATING re-enactment
There are also some POSITIVE things which interfere with our willingness to Commit – to ourselves & to others.
a. Fear of self-care – To the WIC, C. to ourselves means having to give up the fantasy that someone will come along & rescue us.
12-Step Programs remind us that to truly progress, we need to put our Recovery first, before all else. This is particularly true for newcomers. Making a commitment to ourselves:
• requires the guts to go against all our early training, managing the resulting guilt & backlash
• means re-defining terms like ‘selfish, normal, fair, family, love’….
➼ If you’re in Integrity – being true to deepest self – & are accused of Selfishness, it simply means you aren’t doing what the other person wants. Don’t let someone guilt you into betraying your observations, values & beliefs. You can comply with their wishes if it suits you, but not from FoA.
• means talking to the WIC every day, along with meetings, 2-handed writing, books, therapy…. as much as possible. Once our Inner Child trusts that we will consistently show up for it, making a commitment to others won’t be so scary.
b. F of being treated well & loved. To the WIC, C. to anything or anyone positive, means having to feel the contrast between the suffering our family (& others) put us thru – against – what we begin to see we could have / should have had. Painful & enraging.
• The beliefs listed above also apply to being loved, which is a fundamental & universal human need we had very little of, when we needed it the most! Many of us actually believe that wanting to be loved is a character defect! This is why we are attracted to & stay with PPT, which are either blatantly bad for us, not actually bad but unsuited to our True Self, or which only partially meet our needs.
• We fear being disloyal to our parents, not wanting to let go of them
Being treated with respect, consideration, patience, admiration, encouragement…. forces us to FEEL the painful contrast against what we grew up with. It makes us realize how much we missed out on, & to think: “I could have had a V-8!” – I mean: “I didn’t cause the pain I grew up with. With healthier parents I would have been safe & loved!”
NEXT: FoC – part 5