Fear of Commitment – ACoAs (Part 6)

too much love
makes my head hurt!

PREVIOUS: FoC – Part 5

SITE: How to Cure Commitment Phobia” – NLP ‘secrets’


SELF-DEFEATING re-enactment (cont.)
POSITIVE things which interfere with our willingness to Commit :
c. F of receiving To the WIC, C. to others means making oneself vulnerable. AND it exposes us to good things we never had before, which will open the floodgates of need & longing – & drown us!
• Healthy commitments allow us to get some of our needs from outside sources, whether from a person, a career, an animal…. all of which scare the WIC. We’re hungry for recognition & nourishment, but are forbidden. Our injunction against Receiving is bone deep, especially for the Hero & Lost Child.

• Some TOXIC Rules include: “I’m always supposed to struggle but never get there / It’s weak & shameful to need help / I’m not important or valuable / I have no rights / No one can see me….”. TO ACoAs, Receiving means: > breaking family rules > being weak & needy
> being selfish & greedy, when others are suffering
> getting something we don’t deserve > being arrogant, presumptuous

Receiving can come in 2 broad categories:
• Getting something because we actually asked. Being direct aboutgiven to
what we need is not only forbidden by the PP, but the WIC also objects:  ➼ If we have to ask – then getting it doesn’t count!
This makes sense if you’re in infant & can’t talk – you’re depending on the adults to know what you need. Of course, many of us didn’t have those kind of parents taking care of us, so we’re still stuck back there, in the emotional infant-toddler stage, waiting, waiting…..
But this passivity is not appropriate for adult. It is our responsibility to know what we needsurprise gift & then ask for whatever we can’t supply for ourselves.

• Getting something without asking, because someone offered & is being generous. Naturally, with our background of abuse & deprivation, the WIC doesn’t believe anyone would give us something ‘just because’. Not only are we unworthy, but everyone has to have an ulterior motive & it’s up to us to figure out what they want form us.

d. F of Visibility. To the WIC, C. to anything means everyone can see us, in all our imperfections & ‘badness’.
If we combine the fears OF: Abandonment + Compromise + Losing Control + Making mistakes + Responsibility, one of the things we end up with is a deep terror of being fully visible. It would mean exposing ourselves to the whole world as undeserving frauds, with “Who do you think you are?” echoing in our head.

➼ This is the fear of ‘stepping into our power’, being smart, knowing our rights & being able to shine. In addition to all the verbal & physical abuse we endured for just being a normal child, many of us got smacked down very badly if we ever let some of that strength out, so invisiblenow we compulsively hide most of what we’re inherently capable of. It is so foreign & undeserved, that to let others actually SEE us feels life-and-death dangerous.
— Also, our co-dependence tells us that if we outshine others, we will have made them feel bad about themselves, they won’t like us, AND we’re terrified of the backlash of their envy.

e. F of Peacefulness. To the WIC, C. to anything means to be bored to tears. ACoAs are adrenaline junkies, ‘addicted to negative excitement’ (#8), always creating or inviting situations that make life more complicated & stressful. That includes those of us who are isolated & withdrawn: their form of excitement is mainly internal – the mental ‘spinning’ of obsessive self-hate & worry. Both types create unnecessary drama as a re-enactment of the way our parents functioned + the chaos we lived in. Screen Shot 2015-08-22 at 8.55.38 PM

• To be calm, quiet, peaceful, not-anxious makes no sense to ACoAs. Without constant anxiety we feel empty, & so we call it boredom. Actually it’s healthy, but we have to get used to it, by filling it with love for ourselves. Even tho the compulsion to be a ’drama queen /king’ is unconscious, we’re still responsible for replacing it with a saner way of life.

NEXT: Recovering from FoC


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