PREVIOUS: Fear of Comm. – ACoAs #6
COMMITMENT to something / someone is one of life’s most empowering (& liberating) experiences. It’s how we achieve, how we grow, how we learn, how we love. Commitment is driven by a passion to a person or thing. If there’s a solid & compelling enough reason for WHY we want something, we WILL find a HOW to achieve that goal.
IRONY: It’s both a freedom & a binding – but only to what we want or need. It’s one of the most worthwhile ways to use personal choice – to ‘tie’ ourselves to a person, place or thing (PPT) – for some period of time – that we work towards, have or love. Yes, commitment is love. It’s the freedom to invent our own life, by expressing our True Self.
4. CHANGING the RE-ENACTMENT (Point #2, Parts 1 – 6)
If passion & love fuel a desire to commit to something, why do ACoAs avoid it like the plague it? Following Toxic family Rules, the WIC’s terror, & long-term depression numb us to passion. Of course many ACoAs are passionately committed to one thing – not getting abandoned! That’s the WIC’s main goal in life, whether by clinging or by isolating. ACoAs are more focused on feeling safe than on getting love. We can’t feel truly safe until we thoroughly care about ourselves, but giving up S-H is an uphill battle.
• Each of these fears is a direct outcome of an unsafe childhood. So all of the ‘corrections’ will inevitably have to do with developing a Loving Parent to help the WIC heal, so it can gradually start living in the present (using book-ending & other tools….), instead of in its unhappy past.
OUTGROW FEAR of:
a. Abandonment – BY gradually, patiently allowing yourself to connect with the backlog of original pain, eliminating S-H by getting it in every cell of your physical & spiritual body that the pain you grew up in was not caused by you!
b. Leaving Family – BY forming alliances with a variety of groups that are working towards: mental health, spiritual growth, social progress, sharing a passion & having fun
c. Being Vulnerable – BY finding out your needs & using them to form strong boundaries – but not walls
d. Being Trapped – BY using your boundaries & choices to decide who, what or where to stay with
e. Responsibility – BY knowing what’s your responsibility to self & a few others, & what is NOT. Each adult is responsible for themselves. You are not their Higher Power
f. S & I – BY growing your own UNIT (Loving Parent + Healthy Adult), which the IC can totally depend on, instead of our wounded family
g. Losing Control – BY keeping track of your own emotions & motives, so that you’re Adult is in charge of your actions, not the PP or WIC. Then others cannot control you
h. Making Mistakes – BY understanding that all humans make mistakes, & that mistakes are how we learn
i. Compromise – BY understanding & accepting that bending a little, when it’s not SO important, allows you to not break (rigid vs flexible tree)
j. The Truth – BY being surrounded by others doing the same FoO work, so you can gradually drop your denial, & mourn your losses
Re. FEAR of POSITIVES
a. Self-care – BY getting the knowledge of how to do it, & the help to stay on track
b. Receiving – BY believing that you are not supposed to be able to do everything yourself, have a right to get help, & most people like to help
c. Being Loved – BY learning that love is available – from yourself and from people who are already capable. Also, love is not being totally taken care of by others. It can come is small doses, in unsuspected form, by a variety of PPT.
d. Visibility – BY trying out small ways of being seen – by the right people, taking in compliments & encouragement, and then expressing more & more of your True Self.
e. Peacefulness – BY learning to feel the difference between the numbness of being emotionally shut down vs. the inner quiet of being comfortable & anxiety-free. This is not supposed to be all the time, just more often than not.
“Success Habits” from Life Change 90 (a program of daily activities designed to instill success habits), can help us work toward a more fulfilled life.. It doesn’t have to take a big chunk of time – once the resistance to doing it fades – they can be done quickly & in small steps. They represent an outline for committing to oneself, the first stage in committing to others in a safe way. To achieve our goals, along with passion we need to ‘work smart’ – making sure we develop a practical plan & find a supportive environment to work in, as we dream & take adult actions.
STAY AWAKE : over-view of every day’s actions
• Be clear on your main goal, consciously making it a priority
• Have specific daily goals, plans & steps to achievement
• Form problem-solving strategies for issues that won’t go away
• Notice: Over-all mental state, + Emotions, mood shifts,
• Keep track of finances, & spending habits
• Be Grateful for what you DO have, & for bad things you DON’T
• Review events of each day, & see what you learned from them
Healthy commitment is a form of visibility. To ACoAs being visible means risking abandonment, failure, jealousy & rejection. BUT when we accept all parts of ourselves without harsh judgment, choose well, have good boundaries, know our rights & trust ourselves – we can go for the gold!
NEXT: EnneaTypes Language #1a