TO CONNECT WITH OTHERS WELL
it helps to know everyone’s style
PREVIOUS: Talk Types 4-5
REVIEW: Intro explanation from Part 2a
TYPE 6s give CAUTIONS, CAVEATS & SET LIMITS
Self-talk: ‘But what if …’
Words are About: But…have you thought of? No. Not today – maybe tomorrow, not possible, real / reality, what about….? what if? worst-case, why?
Public Speaking Manner: ‘Shotgun’ OR Apologetic
Style: 6s have a nervy, quick style of talking which can be witty & giggly, or pejorative & grouchy. THEY: • Are engaging, information-oriented, thoughtful
• Alternate between staccato, hesitant speech & bold, confident speech
• Can use emotion-laden language OR talk in short shotgun blasts
• Freely discuss worries, concerns, and “what ifs”
• Start with analytical comments, but ask a lot of questions
Pitfalls: They either doubt own message, so sound confused & unclear OR push their cause down everyone’s throat. Can be overly negative: “It will be doom and gloom if you don’t change…..”. They assume hidden motives & danger where there is none. Can use shock techniques because of ambivalence toward authority.
Use language to: defend, question, second-guess, trouble-shoot, warn
Others can experience 6s as challenging, contrary, doubting, pessimistic
MANIPULATE / create CONFLICT by: testing other people’s commitment to them by endless complaining or being evasive. Need to set the record straight “just so you don’t misunderstand….”
BLOCK others by: automatically negating a person or their idea
CONFLICT style: blaming, cross-examining, distrusting, quick, relentless
vacillating, victimizing. 6s are triggered by feeling mistrustful or being blamed. They can become terrier-like & questioning when feelings of insecurity or abandoned.
For BOUNDARIES: need to ‘reject’ put-downs & excuses
To FLOW in conversation, need AWARENESS – of thoughts, choices & emotions in self & others
To RESOLVE conflicts with 6s: Try to stay calm but do not dismiss them, insult their intelligence, flatter or appease them. Don’t get lost in their arguing circle & if it feels like a marathon – walk away. Hold your opinion but don’t be stubborn about seeing their point of view. Don’t try to win, this will only escalate the argument. Instead, try to find common ground & allay their fears of abandonment or anger. Admit any ulterior motives. DON’T ever tell a 6 to calm down!
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TYPE 7s use ANECDOTES, BRAINSTORMING, STORYTELLING
Self-talk: ‘On a lighter note’.
Words are About: deals, fun, ideas, I / me, option, opportunities, plans, travel, trapped, ‘yes’
Public Speaking Manner: Enthusiastic storyteller
Style: 7s want to enjoy everything, so they’ll use wit, storytelling & a dramatic tone to heighten their pleasure in the act of talking. THEY:
• Are quick and spontaneous, releasing words in a flurry
• Avoid negative topics about themselves (or others)
• Re-frame negative information to make it seem positive
• Shift from topic to topic, are analytical and idea-oriented
• Tell engaging stories & can be very funny
• Are charming, exuberant, fast-paced, sociable, spontaneous, upbeat
Pitfalls: Can get too attached to their own stories, like making sagas out of a mundane trip to the post office, which may not be relevant to the topic at hand. Can be too idealistic, use too much humor or put too much emphasis on fun, so the listener won’t believe or trust them. They know a little about everything, but little or nothing in-depth
Use language to: change topics, check out, deflect, entertain, imagine, joke, laugh, move on, sample, shift gears, tell stories
Others can experience 7s as indifferent to others’ input, making excuses, quickly changing topics, self-absorbed
MANIPULATE / create CONFLICT by: distraction & entertaining to get what they want, & insist that others meet their demands. Being a wheeler-dealer, a know-it-all. Making light of serious situations
BLOCK others by: going in too many directions, not focused on the person they’re talking to, use distractions
CONFLICT style: act unaffected, arrogant, condescending, disinterested, explosive tantrums, fleeing, mocking. 7s are triggered by feeling trapped or limited, so usually try to get away from conflict, or react explosively to escape negativity.
For BOUNDARIES: need to use ‘distractions’ / being broad-minded – to open themselves up to new possibilities
To FLOW in conversation, need JOY: grow into the wonderful possibilities of being alive
To RESOLVE conflicts with 7s: They’ll flee at any difficulty, so let them know how this affects your relationship. Give them their space but hold them to a time when the conflict can be resolved. If they try to leave ask them to set aside time for you to discuss it (5s like this too). Don’t harp too much on what they’re doing wrong or they’ll shut down. Equally – don’t sugar coat things but try to re-frame problems so they can take in the information without feeling too threatened.
NEXT: TALK types (Part 2e)