I WANT TO BE CLEAR
about what I’m saying
SITE: Use of Language (Many links re. the meaning of words & phrases)
CONFUSING: We all use short-cuts in daily conversation, which is understandable, but sometimes this can do us a disservice.
There are truisms we take for granted, phrases & sayings we repeat without considering what they really mean. We assume they are correct, & that they apply across the board (the latter is B & W thinking – a CD).
It is said that the unconscious has no sense of humor & is completely literal. It’s the reason affirmations need to be said in the positive: “I have a right to be happy…. rather than “I don’t want to suffer any more”, and stated as if our goal had already happened; “I am making / have made $100,000 in sales this year”, rather than “I wish I could make….”.
Language is so important, not just to connect well with other people, but mostly to connect with ourselves in the healthiest possible way. The Inner Child is always listening to everything we say to others, & at the same time is listening to the Bad Parent voice shouting or whispering in the background. It’s up to the UNIT (healthy adult & loving parent) to make sure our language is kind as well as accurate.
In terms of having good Mental Boundaries, “Accuracy is more important than agreement”. Just because everyone else does it doesn’t mean we have to. Don’t let others confuse you. Don’t follow the crowd!
“I don’t have to be perfect.” What’s wrong with this statement?
Unfortunately, people in Recovery who say this actually consider it a sign of growth, but is in fact one of those sneaky ways our ‘damage’ keeps us hooked. Why? Because:
It implies we COULD be perfect, we just don’t have to be. NOT!
No one can be perfect except God. So, what is true & accurate is that “Humans are not perfect, & I am human, so I can’t be perfect!” That’s normal. To think otherwise is arrogant. We can only do the very best of our ability given where we are in our life-progress right now. It means that “To err is human”, so we must accept the reality of having limitations. This does not minimize our accomplishments or gifts! We can say: ‘There’s nothing wrong with being imperfect, because it’s a universal Truth”
“The way you do one thing is the way you do everything.”
It’s the word “EVERYTHING” that’s the problem. Taken literally, this is a blatant inaccuracy. Always keeping PMES in mind, how we do the various parts of our life depends on many factors. It will depend on your fundamental personality, such as indicated by their MBI or EnneaType, whether you’re more left or right-brained, (scientific vs artistic) Introvert vs Extrovert, AND above all what areas of childhood experiences were allowed & praised or ignored & punished.
So, I can be meticulous about how I dress & do my makeup, but sloppy about keeping my house orderly. I can be a brilliant scholar & writer, but neglect my family…… I can be very talented & dedicated to my native art form but irresponsible if I have to do office work…..
▶︎ None of us do everything the same way!
Article – a Lesson: However, if we take this phrase more psychologically, we can use this woman’s experience to indicate where we’re stuck. Each of us can make the same kind of ‘aha’ connections – between everyday ways of doing (or not doing) things & how they’re a reflection of our fears & resistances. Those discoveries help us remove blocks which will improve life.
“If you react strongly to a flaw in someone else it means you have that flaw in yourself, otherwise you would not be upset by it”
NO – the things that bother us the most in the present, that push our buttons or ‘trigger us’ are simply the abusive / neglectful things that were done to us by our family (& other perpetrators) over & over throughout our childhood. They are wounds we need to clean out, but they are not our character defects. So – I am almost never late anywhere, but I will definitely be angry at a ‘friend’ who is always late to meet me, because of all the times as a kid I was left waiting to be picked up by my drunk parent…
YES – Al-Anon says that when we point a finger at someone else, 3 fingers point back at us. So the statement is true to the degree that our ‘character defects’ get projected out onto others, & we don’t like what we see of ourselves in them. These flaws are the emotions, beliefs & behaviors (TEAs) we internalized from our family & society, rolled into our Negative Introject’s voice (PP).
BUT that is not who we are. It’s our False Self, we developed in reaction to our unhealthy upbringing. Even so, our True Self sneaks thru in spite of early brainwashing – sometimes indirectly, sometimes obviously. It can take the form of a secret interest, types of addictions we chose, our career path, the way we dress, places we love to go…..
So the goal is to find out who we really are & live it!
NEXT: Phrases #2