WHO AM I?
what am I supposed to be?
PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (Part 3)
SITEs: “Gender Identity – Prenatal Factors”
“Gender Identity & Gender Confusion in Children”
“Gender Identity, Sexuality and Gender Expression” + charts
QUOTE: “May the forces of evil be confused on the way to your house” ~ George Carlin
Childhood SOURCES of Confusion (cont.)
5. Several caretakers – being sent to live with relatives, having too many sitters, shunted to many foster homes, adopted – but not told, several step-fathers…. Who are my real parents? does anyone truly love me? where do I belong?
6. Gender confusion – here this only has to do with parents causing a distortion in the child’s identity, rather than being born gay, bi or trans-gendered. Children want to be acceptable & loved by parents, so they look to them for information & validation. When parents hate themselves & the opposite sex, they will do a great deal of harm. There are a number of possible permutations to this twisting.
— a ‘sick’ /alcoholic father raises a daughter by himself, & continually expresses hatred for women (mother, ex-wife….), this daughter will not learn how to be feminine, & perhaps try to act like a boy
— a cruel mother systematically negates a daughter’s gender, the girl may take on the characteristics of a boy, OR just hate her own, hiding behind promiscuity, overweight, isolation….
— a narcissistic mother has a son but wanted a daughter, & so from infancy treats him as a girl – he may take that on as his identity, or express his rage by rape, addictions, macho fighting….
— a controlling father wanted a son but only got a daughter, he may try to turn her into a boy so he can have an extension of himself & she will try to be the best baseball player or company ‘man’ – if she has the ability. If not she will only get his disapproval & disdain. ETC.
7. Being LIED to:
a. about US
EXP: Sick little boy is dressed up, & some of this things put in a suitcase.
TOLD: “You’re going to a party & staying over for a while”.
REALITY: Child is taken to the hospital, dropped off & just left!
EXP: 4 yr. child bumps her head while playing under the dining table. She’s bleeding & goes crying to her mother. Mom (also a drunk) yells at her: “You’re not really hurt!. Go to your room.”
COMMON LIES unhealthy parents tell their children (add your own)
• I’ve never said that!
• I’m never wrong / I’m perfect
• I’ve never done anything wrong to you
• You killed your mother (at birth)
• I’ll come to see you at the game / in the play
• We’ll go to a movie / beach…..this weekend
• I’ll pick you up after school – but never show up or very late
• Your bad behavior caused your father’s drinking
• You can go play later – when all your work is done
• That therapist is bad for you / confusing you (tells you I hurt you)
• You’re father didn’t meant to hurt you/ he really loves you but doesn’t know how to show it
b. about THEM
EXP: A boy’s mother spent most of 20 yrs holed up in her bedroom.
TOLD: Mom is suffering from menopause. (She was in her early 30‘s).
TRUTH: She was either drunk, sleeping it off or hung over!
It was only many years later, as a young man, he learned that menopause usually comes much later in life & doesn’t last 20 yrs!
EXP: Severe alcoholic father TOLD the same story for years – that he was in WW II, on the front lines, & participated in terrible events.
TRUTH: For the whole was he was a supply clerk, & never was in combat.
EXP: Mom pushed to stay with daughter Marcia on a visit for a week in another city. Marcia kept saying “Come, but you can’t stay here”.
TOLD: “But I’m coming to see you, I’m just low on money, I won’t get in your way….”. Marcia felt bad for mom’s ‘poverty’ but couldn’t put her up in the tiny apartment. In spite of Marcia’s explanations, mom decided to spent the last night of her trip at daughter’s place, and then announced this ‘favor’ at the last minute without asking if it was OK. Marcia felt she could handle that much, so agreed.
TRUTH: Mom brought along a BFF, stayed in a fancy hotel for the week AND between lunch visits with Marcia, went shopping – buying many expensive clothes & shoes – & then showing them off on that last evening! Poor????
c. about OTHERS in the family
EXP: Early Saturday am child looks out front window & sees dad face down on the lawn. Terrified, child rushes to wake mom, screaming “Dad’s dead, dad’s dead!” Mom reluctantly comes down to see, looks out & says: “Oh, your dad just went camping last night”. REALLY?? TRUTH: Dad was out drinking – again – & passed out before he could get in the house. Child is confused. If this is camping, where’s the tent?
EXP: Family myth – Grandpa was a traveling salesman & died tragically in a train derailment. TRUTH: He was on a train, but merchandise wasn’t the only thing he was carrying. He was with one of many ‘girlfriends’, got into a drunken fight with her husband & was killed. Not a good guy, & not tragic!
EXP: Selena is an only child of 2 severely alcoholic parents – who fought like 2 wet cats for 40 yrs. Dad dies of cirrhosis. A few years later, on her deathbed, Selena’s mom tells her: “You dad was not your biological father”, & before she’s willing to say more, mom dies. There are no other relative to get info from, so to this day Selena still doesn’t know if her mom was lying or not!
NEXT: ACoAs & Confusion (Part 4)