PREVIOUS: Manipulating OURSELVES (Part 2a)
DEF: Con / conning – to persuade by deception, cajolery…..
INNER CHILD Ego State
As laid out in other posts (ACoAs & S-H), the WIC is so used to having to do everything itself, with little or no resources & info, that it believes it still has to be that way – even tho it’s terrified & full of self-loathing. What an awful double bind!
Originally, being in a powerless situation as children we got a little sense of power & control by doing everything for ourselves AND doing without. So NOW – the WIC will try to sabotage any attempt by our healthier Voice (True Self) to take over, in order to stay attached to the PP!
OUTSIDE: The WIC cons us about our dealings with the whole world, especially at work —
— that showing up/ being visible means that we’ll be judged
— that we have to work extra hard & do the impossible to not get fired
— that we have to know everything, or we’ll be humiliated
— that being ‘perfect’ is the only way we’re allowed to live
— that we have to give others whatever they want so they won’t leave..
FALSE: ALL forms of self-conning are lies! We need to regularly remind the WIC that he/she —
— is NOT the one who is supposed to work, that’s only for the adult
— is NOT seen by other adults, they only see the grownup-us
— is NOT responsible for the company’s agenda, the demands of bossed, the plight of co-workers…..
— is NOT supposed to be in charge of every-day functioning. That’s the job of the UNIT – Healthy Adult/ Loving Parent.he world.
INSIDE: The WIC cons us with Self-Hate, to not have to be our own motivator & be in charge of our life –
— I’m stupid, stupid, bad, bad, wrong, wrong, weak, weak…..
— I don’t know how to do anything, & too dense to learn
— No one loves me, and no one ever will
— I can’t love anyone, I don’t know how to connect
— No one is safe & I can’t trust anyone
— No one will ever help me or be there for me
— I’d be better off dead, they’d be happier
— I’m boring, in the way, too much trouble
— I’ll never safe, happy, have my dreams
— I don’t have a right to ….
— If I let go of them I’ll die -OR- they’ll die!
— I wouldn’t recognize a healthy person if I fell over them
— I have to rescue them. I’ll do anything to make them feel better, not feel abandoned, stop drinking, be happy…..
SELF-‘conning’ is a long-standing pattern of functioning from the False Self, & both forms of sabotage (a. actions & b. emotional) come from the PP & the WIC
As mentioned in other posts, even when we try to move toward a legitimate goal,
such as physical self-care, talking to the Wounded Child, going for a better job….
we may take a few steps in that direction, & then either we hit a snag (don’t get the response we want from others…)
or we blank out, get sidetracked, feel too tired, “why bother’….& give up.
So – yet again the WIC has conned us into NOT leaving ‘home’, even tho that home is now mainly in our head. It keeps us from starting or sticking to healthier ways of functioning.
TOXIC RULE: “I must always struggle but never get there”
After a few attempts we hit a brick wall & can’t go any further – but rarely know why. No matter how many times we try, it seems impenetrable, no way to break thru!
To continue toward any positive goal would mean S & I, & that can trigger terror in the kid, so much so that it prevents us from even trying to push past the resistance. Actually getting to our goals would represent a disconnect from everything we’ve ever known. This can create a feeling of separation-anxiety, by re-experiencing our childhood sense of devastating aloneness.
AND according to the Toxic Rules, it would mean having ‘the gall to focus on ourselves’ instead of everyone else (really our parents) – which the WIC can not bear to risk.
• One reason we don’t break thru the ‘resistance wall’ is IF we haven’t developed a strong enough (or any) rapport between the WIC & our UNIT.
• Another is IF we don’t allow ourselves to feel, because we haven’t learned how to cope with intense emotions. To do so would require doing a lot of emotions-release work, sharing them in the right place so we’re not alone with the pain, along with soothing & comforting the Child in ways that suit us.
The PP is so strong in us & the WIC so devoted to our early training that – in the early stages of FoO recovery – we cannot go directly toward worthwhile goals. So we need to find indirect ways to approach both — the way we talk to the WIC, & how we go about taking healthier actions (More in Part 2c)
NEXT: Manipulating OURSELVES (Part 2c)