ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 3b)


juggling people 

PREVIOUS: Manipulation #3a

SITEs: 20 Subtle Signs of Workplace Bullying
Workplace Danger – Manipulative People”

BOOK: 30 COVERT ways of M. ~ Adelyn Birch

 

FORMS of Manipulation (cont.)
2. Indirect / Covert
Covert manipulation (M) is more subtle. Tactics (such as Evasion, Diversion, Blame….) have the power to be effective because they carefully hide aggressive & exploitative intentions, while at the same time putting the other person unconsciously on the defensive.
Sometimes, all it takes is a particular facial expression, non-verbal gesture, glance, glare, stare, or shrug. Sometimes the manipulator will send a carefully veiled “Now there’ll be some hell to pay!” message without making any kind of direct threat.

ACoAs
As stated in Part 1, M is an attempt at getting our needs met, but only indirectly, because we’re not allowed to HAVE them (shame is what we feel about each need never provided by our family). Back then, trying to get our needs met resulted in either being made fun of, punished or completely ignored.
BUT since our needs are NORMAL & therefore don’t go away, we look for alternative ways of meeting them while still obeying the toxic rules – which puts us in a double bind.

Our Manipulative WAYS
Avoid Asking
You expect others to guess what you need & then provide it. When they don’t – not being mind-readers – you feel very angry at them, get depressed & assume the ‘universe’ doesn’t want you to have the needs

Bribery
You first reward someone, by identifying what they want/need & give it to them, just because you’re a ‘genuinely’ nice person. Then at some point pleasantly suggest that you would like something in return, & they’ll usually feel compelled to return the favor

Bugging / Pushypushy
At the other extreme, always nagging to get what you want, repeating the question, requesting or demanding, insisting…. to wear others down until they finally give in. Can’t tolerate NO as an answer, & constantly over-step boundaries

Charm / Good Looks
You use your best assets to encourage people to favor you over others (work, dating, purchasing…) by being positive, cheerful, self-confident, well-groomed, with approachable body language – to make them feel special for having your full attention

Conditional Approval & ‘love’
You’re kind, pleasant, helpful – but only if they’re just like you, you want what they can do for you, let you control them…. But get angry or withholding if they disagree, set limits on you, stand up for themselves,
won’t go along with your agenda….

Dishonest watching & listening
Pay close attention to what people tell you about themselves & their body language, figuring out their psychological/emotional makeup, in order to identify weakness or strength you can exploit

Distorting Facts
You manipulate information & reality by making it seem better than it is. OR leave out crucial info in am explanation, use info against the person,
overwhelm with facts & statistic, lie, make excuses, exaggerate, act like you know everything…. to avoid responsibility & feel more powerful

double-BDouble-Binding
Keep someone who wants to please you in bondage (paralyzed) by subtly giving opposing messages they must obey or accept without question, to keep them confused & off balance (EXP: smile while insulting)

Exploiting
Use other people’s time, energy, money, talents – only for your benefit – by convincing them it’s for a good cause, will make them feel good, will provide ‘spiritual benefits/rewards….or promising some big reward, while compromising their rights & interests.

Fake Emotions
Use contrived emotions to be in control & get what you want, by acting angry to scare someone, solicitous to soften them, caring to keep their attention, weak & needy to get taken care of, insulted to create guilt…..fear & relief
Can be based on being emotionally stunted / disconnected to your Real Self & true emotions, copying what others do, to have the upper hand

Fear-&-Relief
To get someone to do what you want, but is resisting, you artificially create sudden mood swings, by first working on their fear (disapproval, threats to leave, withhold money….), & then when when they’ve been weakened & disarmed, ready to give in – you stop the pressure, tell them it’s OK…. which makes them so relieved they’ll do whatever you want

Flattering / Kissing up
Making others feel good by complementing them, acting totally interested in their lives…. so they’ll want to please you. It makes it hard for them to say NO, even against their better judgement, because they wouldn’t want you to be disappointed or think badly of them

NEXT: Manipulation #3c

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