PREVIOUS: Dis-comfort & Comfort #3a
1. Negative Comfort
2. Negative Dis-comfort
3. POSITIVE DIS-COMFORT (cont.)
It’s understandable that trying out new thoughts & actions will create anxiety in us. That represents breaking internal family rules, breaking away from old familiar PPT, & moving into unknown territory
PROCESS (cont. )
☛ Push past your comfort zone. ACoAs can only do this to any degree if & when we feel safe enough to risk making changes. This includes having a measure of self-esteem, better boundaries, knowing our rights, a proper support system…. You don’t have to know everything about it ahead of time and there’s no such thing as perfect – so you might as well give it a go!
☛ Embrace the ‘suck’ (“this sucks, suck it up”). Things don’t always work out. Sometimes we make mistakes, we’re disappointed in the outcome, other people let us down….. That’s realty.That doesn’t mean the”universe is against me”, or that we’ve done something wrong.
Just like we have to embrace our Inner Sadist – without acting on it, we can embrace the parts of growth & change we hate – without falling apart & without giving up. Sharing our frustrations & aggravations with others can ease the loneliness & pain. Others have had similar experiences, gotten thru them & sometimes even benefited. NOTE: Acceptance has nothing to do with liking something – it is simply acknowledging what is real.
☛ Be around like-minded people. This is crucial for ACoAs. We’re used to picking & staying with people who are so wounded themselves they can’t be appropriately present for us & may even be overtly harmful (mean, selfish, using….). Of course, in order to be with our ‘peeps’ & ‘stick with the winners’ – we have to know who we are, & believe we have the right to connect with other people we’re compatible with. This is not looking for symbiotic clones, but for those who have a good sense of their own identity & also can ‘see & hear’ us.
☛ Recognize your improvements – no matter how small! ACoAs have a hard time acknowledging our growth because we:
— don’t have permission to succeed (Toxic Rule: “You always have to struggle but never get there”)
— assume that if it’s not the whole package it doesn’t count
— are waiting for it to be taken away
— don’t trust that it will last, that ‘it’s an accident or illusion
— are so torn between the old messages & new changes that we can’t be sure it’s real
— are convinced it’s selfish, arrogant, presumptuous….
As we learn to trust our intuition, emotions & intelligence AND with the right kind of validation & feedback from a support system – we can enjoy our hard-won achievements.
✪ “Rinse. Repeat”🙂 The old Russian saying ‘povtorenie mat ucheniya’ means ‘repetition is the mother of learning”. The more we perform the same activity, the more confident we become. Confidence is a tangible thing — from practice & repetition. Outline from an article by Chris Dessi
BENEFITS of Healthy Discomfort
— Healthy things that can make us UN-Comfortable:
• leave bad relations (family / mate/ ….
• all forms of intimacy (PMES)
• following through
• tell the truth // say what you mean
• feel all your emotions
• go for your passion
• take a compliment / being praised
• get what you asked for
• things working in your favor
• receive help, encouragement
• stand up for yourself – via the Adult
• set limits, say”no”when called for
• stop taking care of others
• Stop mind-reading. ASK QS! // Stop having to always ‘be right’
• changing jobs / career / get a promotion, commendation
• trying out new things / learning a new skill
• appropriate risking / public speaking / writing for work
• learning / doing something difficult – that you always wanted to try)
• going back to school / graduation / B/day party
• new job/ new home / marriage / baby
• winning or inheriting money / gifts ….