Qs: Are You Passive-Aggressive?

 

I DON’T LIKE
these questions!

PREVIOUS : P-A Comments

BOOK: Overcoming Passive-Aggression…..

SITE: Why Empaths Freeze Around Fake People” 

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

REVIEW: Ways to express anger – Bible perspective

Qs re Silent Treatment – Christian focus
A Master Mind student formulated the following Qs for such a person to ask themselves, but they can also be used in couple’s counseling & in group.

Motive
✏️What are you trying to achieve, accomplish, or prove with the silent treatment?
✏️What are you trying to protect yourself from by choosing silence?
✏️Is this a defensive tactic? If Yes, then against what?
✏️What are you trying to control when you use the silent treatment?
✏️What are you afraid of if you were to actually talk to the person you’re ignoring?  ✏️What is it that makes you so angry?

Community
🔎Are you aware how this tactic affects your family—the infliction of abuse?
🔎Are there any other people in your life you treat this way?
🔎How does it make you feel when you are ignored and alienated?
🔎Do you have anyone holding you accountable for this tactic?
🔎Will you change now? Will you stop doing this?

QUESTIONNAIRE re. being Passive-Aggressive 
Unexpressed anger can build up and take over your life, making you miserable in many different ways. You may have deep unresolved anger if you:

EMOTIONAL /PSYCHOLOGICAL

_____ Deny your feelings of frustration, irritation and impatience

_____ Are afraid to express strong emotion, believing it’s wrong to be angry

_____You appear sweet, compliant and agreeable, but are really resentful, angry, petty and envious underneath

_____You cover up feeling inadequate with superiority, disdain, hostile passivity

_____ Frequently vent injustice about your job or home situation to others

_____Smile but are bitter and cynical, while you are hurting inside

_____ Are excessively impatient and irritable

_____ Are bored, apathetic, have lost interest in things you used to enjoy

_____ Become easily frustrated with other people’s faults

_____You’re afraid of being alone, & equally afraid of being dependent

_____You sulk, withdraw and pout

_____You constantly protect yourself so no one will know how afraid you are of being inadequate, imperfect, left, dependent or simply human

MENTAL / PHYSICAL

_____ Are unnecessarily critical of yourself

_____ Turn your anger on yourself and beat yourself up

_____You complain frequently that you’re treated unfairly

_____ You procrastinate frequently, especially on things you do for others

_____You are often late and/or forgetful

_____Express disbelief at others’ driving, resulting in road rage

_____ Have continual thoughts of revenge

_____ Grind teeth or clench your jaws; chronic muscle tension in your face

_____ Chronic muscle tension in neck & shoulders, that worsens when upset

_____ Habitually clenched fists, tap feet or hands when upset

COMMUNICATION / SOCIAL

_____ Are afraid to express your opinion because you might blow up

_____ Overly polite, cheerful, ‘grin & bear it’ to hide feelings of injustice

_____ Agree to do something, then don’t follow through. “Forget” your promises

_____ Want to be known as the “nice guy/gal” but inwardly are in turmoil

_____ Are sarcastic and use humor destructively

_____ Frequently pepper your talk with cuss words

_____ Must have the last work in a disagreement, keeping a fight going

_____ Pick at others & provoke them to anger

_____ Are secretly or outwardly judgmental about the actions of others

_____ Displace anger on safer people (less threatening) or on objects

_____You’re unwilling to give a straight answer

_____ You make up stories, excuses and lies

_____You drag your feet to frustrate others

____ You don’t speak your truth openly, kindly and honestly when asked for your opinion or when asked to do something for someone

NEXT: P-A ACoAs

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Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ COMMENTS

screen-shot-2017-02-18-at-8-13-46-amI HAVE LOTS OF WAYS
of being covertly angry 

PREVIOUS: P-A #1

SITE27 Most Passive-Aggressive Things That Ever Happened

** Southern P-A forms of “Bless your heart!” (humorous but true)

P-A Commuter Types – (London)

 Some things Passive-Aggressives SAY:
Using their cherished bag-of-tricks to combat insecurity, especially if they feel pushed outside their comfort zone, P-As silently hope for attention & approval, trying to prevent loss of connection by avoiding confrontation.

The following statements are meant to express disappointment, hurt & hostility, but are coded in the form of underhanded innuendos instead of respectful honesty. Totally confusing most people, this style insures that P-As do not get their needs met!
When P-As give those little looks, roll their eyes, or throw out subtly nasty comments, most won’t catch on that they’re being messed with, but it may feel like being on an emotional roller coaster.

It can leave someone wondering:
“Did I hear right? / / Did they mean to be mean? / / If I react, will they make a joke or tell me I’m too sensitive?……”,
which is what the P-A wants – for others to always be off-balance.

NOTE: Emotionally healthy people are self-reflective, so not only do they have decent self-esteem, but also are not afraid to own their ‘stuff’.  So they tend not to point fingers at others, keeping the focus on themselves, are not ashamed of their emotions, & can communicate in direct ways using ‘I’ statements.
EXP: “I’m not going to be able to be able to help you with that.”// This is who I am, please accept me as is….”

BUT dyed-in-the-wool P-As have none of those characteristics. Almost all of the following statements are ‘you’ types of comments (some implied), and none of the “I” statements admit honest wishes & needs or take personal responsibility

This list includes things can be said/written between family members, between friends, between mates, at school & at work.

I’m not mad – this is a lie if their over-all pattern is being P-A
Fine. Whatever – sulking, they want you to stop bugging them
Sure, I’d be happy to – they don’t want to & have no intention of doing it
I’m coming! – foot-dragging so they don’t have to do something you want
I didn’t know you meant now – means I won’t let you control when I do what you want, which I don’t want to do anyway

• You asking for too much / just want everything to be perfect – they don’t want to do what you asked but can’t get away with putting it off, so they do it badly or half-assed, then are defensive when you rightly object to a sloppy execution
If you really want to – means I don’t really want to, but won’t say so
You decide / whatever you want – (as a pattern) never taking responsibility for what they want & them criticized your choices
Don’t bother! – means I really want you to do _____, & angry that you won’t
• We’re all watching your progress and hoping the best for you – we don’t have a lot of hope or confidence in you

• Oh my dear, you’re looking so much better today – boy have you been looking like something the cat dragged in lately
• This is far too complicated for you to understand – dumb, dumb, dumb
• It’s nice that you’ve found a friend – finally. You’re not very desirable
• How is your therapy progressing? – you’re such a mess, I don’t think even this will help // You don’t seem to be getting any better
Aren’t we pretty today? – Who do you think you are? / / Is that what you’re going to wear? // What you’re wearing is ugly

If you insist! – means I don’t want you to, but won’t ask you to stop
It’s fine if you’re late, again – feel disrespected but they think it’s too petty to object directly (don’t have a right to be considered)
No worries – short for Screw You
I thought you knew/ are in the loop – they had no intention of including you

Thanks in advance – you’re expected to do something they want, without your input or consent
• I was curious about / surprised / confused by… is disguised criticism
I h0pe it’s worth it – they’re worried about a choice or decision
you’re making & don’t want you to do it, and hope you fail

• You’ve done so well for someone with your limitations /with what you had to work with – means the P-A is patting you on the head, but is actually very displeased & disappointed in you, & blames you
So… (by itself) – another form of Screw you, or what’s your point?
— If in a sentence: So….When are we going? / have you called them back yet?….. – the P-A is clearly agitated, worried…. but won’t admit it

I was only joking – sarcasm meant to stab at you. It’s not funny
• I didn’t mean anything by it – means ‘pretend you didn’t get it’
• Don’t take it so personally – means it was a very personal barb
Why are you getting so upset? – means “Ha, I got you!”
I didn’t do anything (wrong) – complete denial of their abuse or neglect
You’re too sensitive – P-As don’t want you to object to their hostility
You’re so intense / too emotional – P-As are hiding their own anger & pain, so don’t want your emotions to stir up their suppressed ones
You’re imagining things – means that if you’re ‘crazy’, they’re home free

NEXT: P-A ACoAs (Part 1)

SYMPTOMS of Passive-Aggressive Anger – in us

I MAKE SURE
they take care of me!

PREVIOUS: Symptoms  – in us

SITE: LIST of more provocative behaviors (scroll down)

CHARACTERISTICS

OVERTLY hostile people live by the motto:
“To survive I must fight with anger”
BUT:
COVERTLY Angry people
a. Co-Dep people-pleasers think: “To survive I must placate everyone
➤ They are finely tuned to everyone else’s needs but their own
➤ They spend all their time trying to read everyone’s mind in order to provide whatever needs someone may have, even before they know it themselves
➤ They hide their abandonment anger behind ‘killing you with kindness’

b. Passive-Aggressives think:
To survive I must attack everyone from the back
➤ They spend a lot of time obsessing about how they’ve been wronged, which has caused them emotional & physical pain. SO —
➤ They put all their effort into making sure other people don’t get what they want – either – instead of striving for what would make themselves happy.

P-A SYMPTOMS
Our
Behaviors
• get financially supported – use partner as your bank, never pay for anything
• manipulate, like to provoke others to anger or aggressive behavior, & then patronize them, alternate between hostile defiance and contrition
• refuse to ‘lend a hand’ when it would be easy for you to do
• offer food, drink, a drug…. that you know the other person is allergic to or is trying to quit
• take for yourself, throw out or give away things that belong to another – without asking permission (stealing)
• ‘innocently’ make messes – anywhere, everywhere – refuse to clean up after yourself

• usually late, never quite committed to anything, whether work or personal
• are inefficient on purpose, sabotaging projects in small ‘innocent’ ways
• ambivalent about decisions, drag your feet to frustrate others
• resist doing what anyoWHO CARES!ne else wants, even if you can or are interested in doing it
• often lose things, leave things behind (in subways, stores, movies….)
• actions are erratic & unpredictable, causing others confusion, frustration & aggravation
• stubborn, with an intense resistance to variations of an established process, or newness
• make a few blatant serious mistakes in otherwise meticulous work
• often accident-prone   (BOOK:”My Mother/ My Self”, Nancy Friday: constantly bumping into things = her rage)

Our Communications
• give a secret enemy the silent treatment, phony smiles, looking cool & unconcerned…. while stockpiling resentments
• make endless promises to change, but never do
• make convoluted statements, leave important info out, have poor eye contact
• ambivalent in ‘trying’ to decide – keep others from accomplishing their plans, make people wait to hear from you about invitations
• always need to prove you’re right in a disagreement
• constantly complain about personal misfortunes, exaggerating difficultiesscreen-shot-2017-02-25-at-1-34-28-am
• like to stir up trouble, lie to make yourself look good & others look bad
• give subtle insults (back-handed compliments) that prey on someone’s weakness

• say that others are unreasonable & unsympathetic when you don’t perform tasks up to par
• nit-pick,  continually correct others, withhold praise someone deserves, make people wait for their evaluation
• often say you’ll do something you don’t really want to, & then back out at the last minute – with lame excuses
• tell jokes that make others look bad or are inappropriate for the occasion or audience, disguise anger with teasing
• blame others for making you do things you don’t want to do

Our Relationships
• pick mates who will take care of you, allow you to manipulate them
• string someone along but refuse to commitsneaky satisfaction
• usually oppose other people’s plans – to be in control
• gets real secondary pleasure out of frustrating others
• sulk when you don’t get your way
• ‘forget’ to follow thru promises made to others
• use new mate to replace previous or deceased one
• inappropriately invite or bring others along to a one-to-one dinner, event, trip…..  – without warning or asking the other person ahead of time if it’s acceptable
• pay more attention to other people (stranger, attractive ‘other’, acquaintances….) that to your date/mate
• talk too much about or brag about previous relationships
• keep innocuous secrets from mate, prefer to lie about little things

• constantly on your cell when you’re with someone else (‘phubbing)
• prolong any annoyance or disagreement
• break a promise of confidentiality (3rd party gossip)
• cut people off without explanation, burning bridges
• ambivalent & indecisive, following the lead of cheatingevery one else but yourself
• envious and resentful of peers who succeed or who are viewed positively by authority figures
• Men –  refuse to provide your mate’s sexual desires/ needs
,  refuse to ejaculate to show you’re in control, lack of sexual interest, may resort to physical aggression
• re. Infidelity – either gender – extramarital affairs or promiscuity, phone/ internet sex

NEXT: P-A ‘nice’ comments

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ People (Part 4)

 

HURT YOU? BITE YOU?
I would never-r-r!

PREVIOUS: P-A #2

SITE  P-A BEHAVIOR in Relationships

 

NOTE:  Look for red flags, using the lists from the posts:’Passive-aggressive Comments, Symptoms of P-A anger – in us, & the set below

IN relationship with a P-A
Because neurotics (‘Givers) take on so much responsibility, they prevent P-As (‘Takers) from having to act differently, enabling the dysfunction to continue.
Character disordered people doesn’t change as long no one call them on their behavior. But for that to happen everyone they deal with would have to recognize them for what they are, & react appropriately in the moment. Otherwise, they just continue to get away with assuming they’re always right.
EXP: Many women, in divorce court, have been humiliated & financially victimized by judges favoring clever & rich pathological spouses!

In the mean time, until pigs fly, anyone dealing with P-As (& other personality disorders) on a regular basis must verbalize reasonable expectations & stand firm on necessary limits. The ball always has to be tossed back into their court. It’s their responsibility to own up to and work on their issues, so the best you can do is make them accountable.

To start with, it’s important to recognize what’s going on so you don’t think you’re crazy. You may already think you are if you grew up with at least one P-A parent, or everyone in the family – denying how hurt & angry they were, but never acknowledging, much less having dealt with it. But it’s not you!
Because of that beginning, we may have picked up the P-A habit ourselves, but more often we unconsciously choose work environments & personal relationships with P-As. To change that, notice overall patterns of behavior in the people around you, monitor your emotions & never ignore gut reactions.
EXP: You are likely to feel angry, confused, or powerless – when needing to get their cooperation or trying to be heard. But since you can’t have an honest, direct conversation with a P-A person, nothing ever gets resolved.

AND if you continually, compulsively surround yourself with P-As, review your own Fear of Intimacy, because P-As keep everyone at bay. They are not able to be intimate – without Recovery – being cut off from parts of themselves & functioning from the False Self.
If we stay around them for too long we’re guaranteed to feel abandoned – because we are.

Some ways P-As express anger in Relationships:
MILD
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
Procrastinates – is deliberately slow &/or puts things off
Always late/leaves early. Walks out on people. Bangs doors
Refuses to do what is reasonably expected
Refuses to listen. Pretends not to hear or see
Deliberately sloppy

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
Uncooperative. Withdrawn
Twists the truth. Manipulative
Acts forgetful. Keeps rehashing the past

MODERATE
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
Acts sick or helpless. Refuses to clean oneself or the home
Impulsive – fails to plan ahead. Deliberately makes mistakes
Refuses to function as a responsible parent or spouse
Works markedly below ability. Refuses to work regularly. Absenteeism at work

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
Refuses to be responsible. Overly stubborn
Distances others. Deliberately avoid or ignore someone
Distances others. Won’t communicate &  gives Silent Treatment
Always negative. Withholds support. Refuses to praise or compliment
Enjoys seeing people become upset. Is Divisive

SEVERE
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
Refuses to eat. Refuses to take care of a serious health problems
Fails to attend to the needs of the spouse or children
Deliberately fails at work. Fails to pay bills. Neglects the home

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
Doesn’t receive love. Withholds love from a spouse. Avoids intimacy
Undermines children’s trust/respect for spouse or other important relatives/friends
Always in victim role. Deliberately acts to be sick or makes themselves sick
Makes false accusations. Con-artist

Dealing with a passive-aggressive is always frustrating & sometimes enraging, especially when it’s your spouse. One of the many problems is that they find it much easier to say what they don’t want than what they do want.
Inside the P-A is a wounded child who isn’t safe enough to voice how it really feels – from fear of punishment, rejection, sarcasm, engulfment …. Their True Self has retreated, making it hard for the P-A to say what’s bothering them, so they expect others to read their mind! & provide unspoken, even unacknowledged needs.  And if you don’t, you will be punished – no matter how indirectly.

REMEMBER – their tactics are never about us! even tho it does have a great impact on our interactions with them

NEXT:

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ People (Part 3)

WHATEVER I CAN GET AWAY WITH is OK with me!

PREVIOUS:Passive -Aggr #2

SITE:  Signs of a Covert Introvert Narcissist

 P-A Manipulation Tactics
It’s very important to be clear about covert fighting in order to avoid being victimized by any character (personality) disordered manipulator – in this case the Passive Aggressive.
A person’s habitual style of relating is dysfunctional or disordered if it is:
• Severe – when their natural tendencies become so overbearing & intense they go way beyond what their culture considers normal (Sadly, our society actually encourages & rewards many manipulative behaviors)
• Inflexible – they don’t seem able to willingly soften their responses or use alternative coping strategies
• Resistant – they won’t modify their way of relating, even if those are negative or have dire consequence
• Defective – their sense of right & wrong is strikingly weak,
immature, or missing   (MORE….)

Neurotics have a very powerful, over-developed conscience (superego), with an intense sense of right & wrong. They often set themselves standards that are difficult – if not impossible – to meet, judging themselves harshly when they don’t feel they’ve done enough.

On the other hand, the disordered character’s conscience (little voice that guides most people to do what’s ‘right’) is severely underdeveloped & impaired, & in the worst cases, is absent altogether. This makes it easy for them to hurt people often & severely – without considering the other’s feelings.
And if they do hear that inner voice, they can easily silence it, so they don’t have a reason to “push” themselves to take responsibility. They are shallow, lack empathy & exploit, use & abuse others, often without a second thought.

P-A ‘fighting’ style
SO – when you confront a character-impaired (P-A) person about something they’ve neglected or done wrong, they will fight dirty to divert attention from the real issue. People who either place themselves above (NPDs) or are at war with (P-As) the principles that build integrity into a person’s character (honesty, fairness, kindness, respect….), will use just about any behavior or tactic possible to manipulate. (MORE….)

They ‘sneak-fight’, doing 3 things at once:
1. Fight you for a position of advantage in your relationship (try to back you into a corner to get you to back-off or back-down)
2. Fight to maintain an undeserved positive image
3. Fight against accepting whatever principle they know you’d like them to accept
(EXP: that trust in relationships is based on being honest)

Unfortunately, when a P-A is tap-dancing to defend themselves, as opposed to just fighting for their point of view, you’re bound to lose. This tells you the behaviors will inevitably recur, because they can’t do both at the same time – fight against a principle & accept it at the same time.  (MORE….)

The P-A CONFLICT CYCLE – see it coming & get out of the way!
Stage 1 – As they grow up, P-As come to believe that any direct expression of anger is dangerous & has to be avoided at all cost. They solve the dilemma of what to do with their anger by developing P-A behaviors

Stage 2 – A  stressful situation triggers irrational thoughts in the P-A,  based on early life experiences.
EXP: A teacher asks a student to pass out a worksheet, but instead of feeling honored by being able to help, she/he will be resentful because the request triggers a family history of always being asked to do things without ever being appreciated for it

Stage 3 – The P-A denies their anger, which can lead to projecting it onto others, making up ‘stories’ & feeling resentful, even paranoid

Stage 4 – P-As actively display their denied anger, using one or more tactics listed in the post “Symptoms of P-A Anger – in us” 

Stage 5 – Reactions of others, usually negative. This is often what the P-A is hoping for, as it relieves their inner tension, & makes others the ‘bad guy’. Those reactions only reinforces the negative behavior, continuing the cycle. (MORE….)

The rest of the article offers ways to identify P-A behaviors & how to overcome them

NEXT: P-A ‘Nice People”‘, #4

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 8a)


I CAN BE FREE OF some GUILT
if I admit when I mess things up

PREVIOUS: Outgrow co-dep (#4d)

SITEs: “How to apologize : Asking for forgiveness gracefully” 

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.

Tool 6. FORGIVEN by OTHERS
DEF – It is when someone we’ve hurt:
grants pardon for or absolves us of a mistake or wrongdoing
• no longer blames or feels resentment toward us
• frees us from a previous obligation or penalty

QUOTEs: “A relationship is only as strong as each individual’s capacity to forgive and ask for forgiveness.”
“Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong, & the other person is right. It can mean you value the relationship more than your ego.”

ASKING for Forgiveness
We know that a component of Co-dep fake-niceness is the desire to hide our guilt at having been less than honorable toward others. Clearing out some of the underbrush of our moth-eaten defenses (P-P) means being willing to ‘make amends’ for our negative reactions, whenever possible. This begins with telling the truth about our behavior, without over- or under- stating it.

A FEW problem areas that can harm others:
Being controlling, close-minded, dependent, dishonest, judgmental, narcissistic, prejudiced, perfectionistic, superior …..
For more, refer to the 3 posts ‘How ACoAs abandon others & both Laundry Lists

AA’s Step 8 : Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all

Step 9 Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

► While implementing the 9th Step is for our personal growth, it should not be taken without serious thought & preparation. It’s not going to help our healing if we don’t have a genuine desire to mend the breach with someone, but only do it because we’re supposed to, or are only thinking of how it will benefit ourselves.
That narcissistic approach will likely anger the other person, & leave us confused & bitter.
Making amends is about ‘amending’ our ways, otherwise a verbal apology is hollow.

But, before we can consider asking to be forgiven, we need to look at who we’re going to apologize to & exactly for what. (‘Making amends is more than an apology)

1. WHO: Note that Al-Anon/AA Step #8 says “be willing“, but #9 cautions “except when.…”.
• In some cases we’ll never be able to connect with the person we owe an amends to because they’re simply not available – from death, unknown location, or not wanting any contact with us. Then go back to Step 5 to put that specific event to rest.

• Also, there are times when telling someone what we did to-or-against them will hurt them much more than silence, if they were unaware of our misdeeds. Always consider the consequences of your words. It’s not their job to make you feel better!

• And, just because some unhealthy people accuse us of being abusive when we accidentally push their buttons, don’t do what they want or don’t agree with them, set a boundary or stand up for ourselves….. (because they don’t feel safe unless everyone is apologizingtheir carbon copy), it does NOT mean we owe them an apology.

💛 We can acknowledge their feelings by saying we understand they don’t like something we did or said – or not. Period. Don’t add buts, excuses or explanations. As long as you know you’re being true to yourselves in that situation – you’re OK.
We are responsible for being as ‘clean’ in motive & action as we can, but NOT for how others react – regardless of our behavior.

NEXT: Forgiven for WHAT (#8b)

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 7c)


IT’S GOOD TO KNOW
I have lots of options

PREVIOUS: Forgiving our Adult #6b

SITE: An artist’s COMMITMENT to life

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.

Tool 5c. FORGIVING Ourselves – as ADULTS is to:
1. LET GO of old patterns (As), harsh judgements & pointless comparisons (Ts)
————-
See “Letting go means….“, and to:
2. GIVE UP torturing ourselves for all the ways we’ve messed up (T.E.As)

GROWTH
• Use these 18 steps to process any Ts, Es or As you feel guilty about, as a way to take responsibility
• Write down what you’ve learned from all the tools (1-5) you’ve been using & any actions you’ve taken to repair or make amends. Let this sink in. Appreciate yourself.
• Decide what if anything remains to be done – inside your own heart or out in the world – and then do it. Let it sink in that you’re doing it, & appreciate yourself for this, too.
• Consciously continue forgiving yourself when needed:
“I forgive myself today for ______ , knowing that even with self-defeating T.E.A.s I am a good person with the RIGHT to be valued & loved. I take responsibility for my life (but not for other adults) & do what I could to make things better.”

PRACTICE Self-Forgiveness. Give yourself the empathy you always craved as a child. (“Is self-love selfish?” 10 good Answers)
Every morning look in the mirror & say to yourself:
❤️
I love you. I am grateful for another day
❤️ I am accountable for my decisions & actions today
❤️ I forgive me for anything that was not forgiven last night
❤️
I love you. Have a great day! 

And each evening, look & say:
💜 I love you. I am sorry for anything left undone today
💜 I am sorry for any fearful decisions & actions today
💜 I forgive myself, & am grateful for total forgiveness
💜 I accept & enjoy ALL my blessings. I love you. Sleep well. (MORE…..)

NOTE: Compassion is wired in from birth, and is good for us & for humanity. (But as ACoAs we know it can be cruelly suppressed by family & community!)

Other suggestions
Putting time & caring into each activity will reinforce your determination to outgrow co-dep & re-connect with your Natural Compassion. REPEAT often!
• Write a letter to your WIC listing all the things you’re ‘let go‘ of on his/her behalf
Build a visual bridge from here to where you want to be
• Write a 3rd person story or poem as the narrator, about how the main character (you) has / can / will free themselves of guilt & shame

• Create a tangible expression of old painful experiences & your fondest wishes:
sand tray art, and adult many topic ideas
– a collage, drawings or junk sculptures (Google images) to express emotions

• Make a memory bracelet or necklace with a colored bead or charm for every time you have already forgiven yourself, & add one when you do so from now on (w/ memory wire)

• Do something physical you enjoy – to release anger & hurt (run, bike, dance, t’ai chi, yoga, swim…..)
• Use Trauma Release work on unfinished business:
= Several methods scroll down // About the Pain Body  // Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises // Dealing with Recent or Childhood Trauma

►  The benefits of letting go & acceptance are worth the great struggle of having to outgrow our damage – by releasing the rage at ourselves & our abusers.

NEXT: