ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 2)

IF I’M NOT RIGHT,
then
who am I?

PREVIOUS: Being Right (Part 2)

SITE: Addicted to being right

QUOTE: “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”   Isaac Asimov

⬆️ IMAGE designed & assembled by DMT

 

WHAT’S WRONG With Being ‘Right’?
Unhealthy (mild): The narcissist in us (& every ACoA has one) will think or say “If I can see this so clearly, why in the world can’t you? // If I can do that task, what’s your problem? // If I love that, I assume you will too. If not, why not?!”
This attitude makes no sense at all. Even identical twins are different in some fundamental ways. One person is not automatically better or more correct than another – just different. (See “Symbiosis & ACoAs #3“)

Unhealthy (severe)
Addicted to being right (aBR)
NOTE: This character defect (cognitive distortion) applies to those adults we grew up with, AND to those of us who have copied them, as well as anyone we’re ‘stuck to’ as adults who is like that

A Closed System – The state of a person or thing being isolated from its surrounding environment.
ONE: This applies to anyone so rigid in their opinions that they can’t let in anything which differs from their own determined ‘correctness’

TWO:  2 people, a Dominant (D) & a Submissive (S) personality, who interact in an ongoing feedback loop, constantly exchanging limited, often distorted, info – characterized by coercion/compliance, co-dependence, sameness & symbiosis

Such a system discourages a feeling of concern, equality, or desire to change in the D, & disallows autonomy, questioning, rocking the boat, separateness, speaking up or taking a stand – for the S. (MORE….)

GROUPS: (family, academia, church… )
Such groups discourage change, differences, disrupting the status quo, equality, independence, objecting, questioning, or taking a stand.
They tends to promote factions, gossip, immaturity, repression, secrets & triangulation. It makes members reactive & anxious, even if this is hidden from each other. They don’t feel safe to question or disagree, for fear of disapproval, punishment or rejection. (MORE…)

🔒 At the extreme ‘right’ we find the ‘Right-ists’.

RIGHT-ists are in a world of their own, extremely self-absorbed & arrogant – which makes most others frustrated & angry when having to deal with them. To them, the accuracy or importance of whatever point they’re pushing is not as relevant as their need to be agreed with. Their rigid thinking is used in a power struggle to bring everyone else to their knees – psychologically, mentally & emotionally.

NOTE: Some right-ists camouflage their compulsion by seeming concerned for others’ well-being, sounding reasonable or just giving ‘helpful’ suggestions. But all the while they’re trying to control their environment – to make it conform to their world-view.
One hint: they consistently make suggestions, give advice & offer help – unsolicited & often unwanted by others. DO NOT be taken in by the presentation. If your own opinions & needs are often or always ignored or over-ruled – you’re dealing with a sneak-narcissist.

EXP: When ranting about anything she thinks is wrong – with a person or in the world – one woman heads off any logic, comment or disagreement from her long-suffering husband with the command: “Just say YES!”
Sadly, unhealed insecure co-dependents have a tendency to attach themselves to such narcissists, believing that being told what think & feel is a way of being taken care of (loved). NOT!

Re. SELF. THEY:
• need the world to revolve around them
• are rigid & controlling, so they don’t work well with others
• lack empathy, have no patience with others & are often snide
• experience opposing or simply different opinions as a direct threat to their sense of well-being
• can become quite aggressive in order to eliminate the threat to their (secret or unconscious) weak self-image

Re. OTHERS. THEY:
• can’t imagine that other people actually have different needs & opinions from their own (NPD = “Put a sweater on, I’m cold”)
• may push their good info from ‘good intentions’, without considering that they’re boundary invading, discrediting another’s process & being arrogant (“others NEED me”)
• alienate others without realizing it, OR of they do, they’re puzzled as
to why, & then assume it’s the other person’s fault
• regard other people’s ideas or viewpoints as inferior or worthless, often losing out on wonderful opportunities & relationships
• can end up isolated & deprived of love, affection, companionship…. unless they find a passive person who uses the ‘Right-ist’ to think for them!

NEXT: Being Right (Part 3a)

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RED FLAGS from Psychopaths (Part 2)


LISTEN TO PATTERN

of their conversation

PREVIOUS: Red Flags #1

BOOK HOW to TAKE REVENGE on a NARCISSIST: Take your power back by using their secret techniques 

 

List BASED ON: “30 Red Flags of Manipulative People”

2. SOCIAL Manipulation
Comparing – you with everyone else in their life, including your eventual replacement. When idealizing you, they make you feel special by telling you how much better you are than these people. Later, when devaluing you, they use these comparisons to cut you down

Communicating – texts you dozens of times a day, adding compliments, flattery, songs & poems on Facebook….  You come to rely on this flood of attention as a source of confidence

In Demand – they surround themselves with former lovers and potential mates,  bragging that their exes still want to sleep with him/her, but assures you not to worry. You feel jealous believing your partner is in high demand

Exes, exes, exes – it’s the psychopath’s favorite topic of conversation & you’re stuck listening about them all the time – their names & everything that happened between them – but only the psychopath’s version

Denouncing – they seem to have an unusually amount of crazies in their past. They bad-mouth previous business & personal exes who ‘abandoned’ them, labeling those people as disloyal,  jealous, bipolar, alcoholic….  They will speak about you the same way to their next target

Rivalry – psychopaths shift their laser focus from you back to previously denounced exes, using social media to post ambiguous videos & status updates, old songs & inside jokes, making you doubt your importance to them, while seemingly innocent.

Boredom – They focus more on their new activity & ignore older ones with you. They don’t seem to care when you leave their side, since they can just as easily move on to the next source of energy

• Isolating – If you try to maintain ties with family & friends outside your relationship, they will ensure to undermine each one until you’re severed.
And if you work hard to foster inner peace in your life, they will make it their mission to destroy every avenue you use

Mind reading. Psychopaths expect you to always be able to know what they want or need, when they’re upset, when they don’t feel well, when they want you to do something – all without saying!

Shape shifting. They adopt different personae for different people or groups, transforming their outward personality to match their audience. But sometimes they forget what role they’re playing with you, then slip & accidentally use the wrong mask. You begin to wonder – Who are they really?
Very eerie, but it’s not Multiple Personality Disorder. Each shift is conscious & cleverly molded – all to cover their inner emptiness.

3. GENERAL
• Fun – They actively search our extreme sports & dangerous activities, from a need to feel excitement via high risk & intensity. Anything from BASE jumping to having sex in public, from juggling matches to carelessly cheating on a mate

Dichotomy – they confuse you with a combination of swaggering street-smarts toughness, while at the same time giving off a little boy/girl ‘innocence’ or goodness (not real!).

Fake ‘tears’ – Their emotions are shallow & short-lived.
— While they know how to copy emotions they see in others, only occasionally does the mask slip – unconsciously, giving you the feeling that something’s ‘off’
— You may catch flashes of contempt (feeling superior), unrelated to anything going at the time. Micro-expressions leak out their true opinions
— Rage is one of the few Es they actually feel, but even so they can go from being in a rage to compete calm in a minute

TMI – They love to tell about shady & ‘dirty’ things they’ve done (business & sexual) – as if those were something to be proud of – while giving the impression that’s all in the past for them

Fake goodness
– They create a ‘saintly’ aura engaging in phony altruism (volunteering, donating, gift-giving…), & can’t wait to boast about the great things they do for others – to gain your trust

Talking style – On the one hand their speech is filled with ‘umm / er / uh’ s… maybe needing the time or mental effort to come up with the next lie, ‘story’ or way to make a good impression.
On the other hand – they can barrage with endless (sometimes interesting) monologues, like being on stage, but ignore responses or interruptions

Blame others – nothing is ever their fault. They spend all their time rationalizing their behavior rather than improving it

Overwhelming selfishness – only their needs, desires, opinions, upsets… count    (Modified from “Identifying a Psychopath….”)

NEXT: Psychopath RED FLAGS #3

RED FLAGS from Psychopaths (Part 1)

grating sound
NOTICE HOW OUT OF TUNE

they are with the rest of us

PREVIOUS: 

SITE: Movie Psychopaths – Most & Least realistic 


BASED ON: “30 Red Flags of Manipulative People”

You will find that many of these Red Flags are contradictory – which is part of the psychopath’s bag of tricks. Don’t be fooled, because if  you believe their initial con-job, then they can keep you off balance, & you stay hooked.

★ We always need to be awake for what people are telling us about themselves – in all relationships. One Red Flag to look for is:
Always be suspicious of anyone who comes on too strong, too attentive & complimentary, too easily ‘attached’ – almost as soon as they meet you, even if some of what they say about you is accurate. They simply don’t know you yet, so all their sweet-talk is a form of manipulation & narcissism. It’s creepy!

Healthy people are not taken in by this – they can ‘feel’ such a person’s inappropriateness, whether from neediness or as a self-serving hook. They take the time to slowly get to know others, allowing the process to unfold the truth. This is especially important for ACoAs, who are looking for a symbiotic, instant attachment – but which makes us vulnerable to being used & then thrown away!

1. RELATIONAL Manipulation
Declare you are their soul mate – in the beginning: psychopaths will tell you how much you have in common, they just can’t believe how perfect you are for them, let you do all the talking…. so you’re enchanted

Flatter your deepest insecurities, mirroring your greatest fantasies, playing whatever role is necessary to win your heart. EXP:
— If you’re self-conscious about your looks, they’ll say you’re the sexiest person in the world
— If you have a need to be entertaining, they’ll say you’re the funniest most interesting person they’ve ever known….

Over-emphasize emotions, verbally, but not ever show any themselves. Make passionate statements like “I’ve never felt so happy in my life”, but in a robotic, detached voice – like an alien trying to imitate human feelings

Bait & Switch. After the initial seduction & idealization phase, they stop the compliments & flattery, then undermine your self-esteem by being degrading & belittling

Ultimate hypocrite. Psychopaths expect you to be their perfect mate, demanding total fidelity, respect & admiration – while they cheat, lie, steal & use you emotionally

Withhold attention. Once you’re hooked they suddenly become withdrawn & physically uninterested – without any obvious reason or explanation. They act bored, like it’s a chore to be intimate, completely annoyed that you expect to continue the passionate relationship they started.
It make you desperate & needy, ensuring that you’ll always be the one to initiate contact

Provoke emotional reactions – deliberately setting you up. EXP:
— call you jealous after blatantly flirting with their ex on social media
— call you needy after intentionally ignoring you for 3 days straight…..

Non-reactive – they’re cool, calm & collected & want you to feel inferior or over-sensitive for having normal human emotions & reactions

Insult you in a joking but condescending way, subtly minimizing your intelligence & achievements, such as smirk any time you try to express yourself

Controlling – They tell you what to of, say & feel. The try to ‘fix’ you up, obsessed with your appearance, making comments about what you’re wearing  & how you look, always picking at you, pointing out flaws that don’t even exist

Teasing you becomes their major style of communication – “just joking”! If you point this out, they call you hypersensitive, paranoid & crazy

• Silent treatment: If they stop talking to you for several days, it’s to show their displeasure because it was your fault for expecting too much from them, for ruining their plans, for not being available when they wanted you…. & they’ll play the victim as an excuse for not telling you

Spotlight – always shining it on your faults and ignoring their own. If you point out their mistakes, they’re quick to point the finger back at you.
EXP:
— If they’re 2 hours late, they remind you that you were once 5 minutes late to your first date
— If they’ve forgotten to keep a promise, they remind you of the time you didn’t buy the milk you said you’d pick it up for their breakfast…..

Gaslighting. Psychopaths blatantly deny their own manipulative behavior, ignoring clear evidence when confronted with it. They get angry if you try to disprove their denial / delusions using facts

NEXT: Red Flags, #2

Qs: Are You Passive-Aggressive?

 

I DON’T LIKE
these questions!

PREVIOUS : P-A Comments

BOOK: Overcoming Passive-Aggression…..

SITE: Why Empaths Freeze Around Fake People” 

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

REVIEW: Ways to express anger – Bible perspective

Qs re Silent Treatment – Christian focus
A Master Mind student formulated the following Qs for such a person to ask themselves, but they can also be used in couple’s counseling & in group.

Motive
✏️What are you trying to achieve, accomplish, or prove with the silent treatment?
✏️What are you trying to protect yourself from by choosing silence?
✏️Is this a defensive tactic? If Yes, then against what?
✏️What are you trying to control when you use the silent treatment?
✏️What are you afraid of if you were to actually talk to the person you’re ignoring?  ✏️What is it that makes you so angry?

Community
🔎Are you aware how this tactic affects your family—the infliction of abuse?
🔎Are there any other people in your life you treat this way?
🔎How does it make you feel when you are ignored and alienated?
🔎Do you have anyone holding you accountable for this tactic?
🔎Will you change now? Will you stop doing this?

QUESTIONNAIRE re. being Passive-Aggressive 
Unexpressed anger can build up and take over your life, making you miserable in many different ways. You may have deep unresolved anger if you:

EMOTIONAL /PSYCHOLOGICAL

_____ Deny your feelings of frustration, irritation and impatience

_____ Are afraid to express strong emotion, believing it’s wrong to be angry

_____You appear sweet, compliant and agreeable, but are really resentful, angry, petty and envious underneath

_____You cover up feeling inadequate with superiority, disdain, hostile passivity

_____ Frequently vent injustice about your job or home situation to others

_____Smile but are bitter and cynical, while you are hurting inside

_____ Are excessively impatient and irritable

_____ Are bored, apathetic, have lost interest in things you used to enjoy

_____ Become easily frustrated with other people’s faults

_____You’re afraid of being alone, & equally afraid of being dependent

_____You sulk, withdraw and pout

_____You constantly protect yourself so no one will know how afraid you are of being inadequate, imperfect, left, dependent or simply human

MENTAL / PHYSICAL

_____ Are unnecessarily critical of yourself

_____ Turn your anger on yourself and beat yourself up

_____You complain frequently that you’re treated unfairly

_____ You procrastinate frequently, especially on things you do for others

_____You are often late and/or forgetful

_____Express disbelief at others’ driving, resulting in road rage

_____ Have continual thoughts of revenge

_____ Grind teeth or clench your jaws; chronic muscle tension in your face

_____ Chronic muscle tension in neck & shoulders, that worsens when upset

_____ Habitually clenched fists, tap feet or hands when upset

COMMUNICATION / SOCIAL

_____ Are afraid to express your opinion because you might blow up

_____ Overly polite, cheerful, ‘grin & bear it’ to hide feelings of injustice

_____ Agree to do something, then don’t follow through. “Forget” your promises

_____ Want to be known as the “nice guy/gal” but inwardly are in turmoil

_____ Are sarcastic and use humor destructively

_____ Frequently pepper your talk with cuss words

_____ Must have the last work in a disagreement, keeping a fight going

_____ Pick at others & provoke them to anger

_____ Are secretly or outwardly judgmental about the actions of others

_____ Displace anger on safer people (less threatening) or on objects

_____You’re unwilling to give a straight answer

_____ You make up stories, excuses and lies

_____You drag your feet to frustrate others

____ You don’t speak your truth openly, kindly and honestly when asked for your opinion or when asked to do something for someone

NEXT: P-A ACoAs

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ COMMENTS

screen-shot-2017-02-18-at-8-13-46-amI HAVE LOTS OF WAYS
of being covertly angry 

PREVIOUS: P-A #1

SITE27 Most Passive-Aggressive Things That Ever Happened

** Southern P-A forms of “Bless your heart!” (humorous but true)

P-A Commuter Types – (London)

 Some things Passive-Aggressives SAY:
Using their cherished bag-of-tricks to combat insecurity, especially if they feel pushed outside their comfort zone, P-As silently hope for attention & approval, trying to prevent loss of connection by avoiding confrontation.

The following statements are meant to express disappointment, hurt & hostility, but are coded in the form of underhanded innuendos instead of respectful honesty. Totally confusing most people, this style insures that P-As do not get their needs met!
When P-As give those little looks, roll their eyes, or throw out subtly nasty comments, most won’t catch on that they’re being messed with, but it may feel like being on an emotional roller coaster.

It can leave someone wondering:
“Did I hear right? / / Did they mean to be mean? / / If I react, will they make a joke or tell me I’m too sensitive?……”,
which is what the P-A wants – for others to always be off-balance.

NOTE: Emotionally healthy people are self-reflective, so not only do they have decent self-esteem, but also are not afraid to own their ‘stuff’.  So they tend not to point fingers at others, keeping the focus on themselves, are not ashamed of their emotions, & can communicate in direct ways using ‘I’ statements.
EXP: “I’m not going to be able to be able to help you with that.”// This is who I am, please accept me as is….”

BUT dyed-in-the-wool P-As have none of those characteristics. Almost all of the following statements are ‘you’ types of comments (some implied), and none of the “I” statements admit honest wishes & needs or take personal responsibility

This list includes things can be said/written between family members, between friends, between mates, at school & at work.

I’m not mad – this is a lie if their over-all pattern is being P-A
Fine. Whatever – sulking, they want you to stop bugging them
Sure, I’d be happy to – they don’t want to & have no intention of doing it
I’m coming! – foot-dragging so they don’t have to do something you want
I didn’t know you meant now – means I won’t let you control when I do what you want, which I don’t want to do anyway

• You asking for too much / just want everything to be perfect – they don’t want to do what you asked but can’t get away with putting it off, so they do it badly or half-assed, then are defensive when you rightly object to a sloppy execution
If you really want to – means I don’t really want to, but won’t say so
You decide / whatever you want – (as a pattern) never taking responsibility for what they want & them criticized your choices
Don’t bother! – means I really want you to do _____, & angry that you won’t
• We’re all watching your progress and hoping the best for you – we don’t have a lot of hope or confidence in you

• Oh my dear, you’re looking so much better today – boy have you been looking like something the cat dragged in lately
• This is far too complicated for you to understand – dumb, dumb, dumb
• It’s nice that you’ve found a friend – finally. You’re not very desirable
• How is your therapy progressing? – you’re such a mess, I don’t think even this will help // You don’t seem to be getting any better
Aren’t we pretty today? – Who do you think you are? / / Is that what you’re going to wear? // What you’re wearing is ugly

If you insist! – means I don’t want you to, but won’t ask you to stop
It’s fine if you’re late, again – feel disrespected but they think it’s too petty to object directly (don’t have a right to be considered)
No worries – short for Screw You
I thought you knew/ are in the loop – they had no intention of including you

Thanks in advance – you’re expected to do something they want, without your input or consent
• I was curious about / surprised / confused by… is disguised criticism
I h0pe it’s worth it – they’re worried about a choice or decision
you’re making & don’t want you to do it, and hope you fail

• You’ve done so well for someone with your limitations /with what you had to work with – means the P-A is patting you on the head, but is actually very displeased & disappointed in you, & blames you
So… (by itself) – another form of Screw you, or what’s your point?
— If in a sentence: So….When are we going? / have you called them back yet?….. – the P-A is clearly agitated, worried…. but won’t admit it

I was only joking – sarcasm meant to stab at you. It’s not funny
• I didn’t mean anything by it – means ‘pretend you didn’t get it’
• Don’t take it so personally – means it was a very personal barb
Why are you getting so upset? – means “Ha, I got you!”
I didn’t do anything (wrong) – complete denial of their abuse or neglect
You’re too sensitive – P-As don’t want you to object to their hostility
You’re so intense / too emotional – P-As are hiding their own anger & pain, so don’t want your emotions to stir up their suppressed ones
You’re imagining things – means that if you’re ‘crazy’, they’re home free

NEXT: P-A ACoAs (Part 1)

SYMPTOMS of Passive-Aggressive Anger – in us

I MAKE SURE
they take care of me!

PREVIOUS: Symptoms  – in us

SITE: LIST of more provocative behaviors (scroll down)

CHARACTERISTICS

OVERTLY hostile people live by the motto:
“To survive I must fight with anger”
BUT:
COVERTLY Angry people
a. Co-Dep people-pleasers think: “To survive I must placate everyone
➤ They are finely tuned to everyone else’s needs but their own
➤ They spend all their time trying to read everyone’s mind in order to provide whatever needs someone may have, even before they know it themselves
➤ They hide their abandonment anger behind ‘killing you with kindness’

b. Passive-Aggressives think:
To survive I must attack everyone from the back
➤ They spend a lot of time obsessing about how they’ve been wronged, which has caused them emotional & physical pain. SO —
➤ They put all their effort into making sure other people don’t get what they want – either – instead of striving for what would make themselves happy.

P-A SYMPTOMS
Our
Behaviors
• get financially supported – use partner as your bank, never pay for anything
• manipulate, like to provoke others to anger or aggressive behavior, & then patronize them, alternate between hostile defiance and contrition
• refuse to ‘lend a hand’ when it would be easy for you to do
• offer food, drink, a drug…. that you know the other person is allergic to or is trying to quit
• take for yourself, throw out or give away things that belong to another – without asking permission (stealing)
• ‘innocently’ make messes – anywhere, everywhere – refuse to clean up after yourself

• usually late, never quite committed to anything, whether work or personal
• are inefficient on purpose, sabotaging projects in small ‘innocent’ ways
• ambivalent about decisions, drag your feet to frustrate others
• resist doing what anyoWHO CARES!ne else wants, even if you can or are interested in doing it
• often lose things, leave things behind (in subways, stores, movies….)
• actions are erratic & unpredictable, causing others confusion, frustration & aggravation
• stubborn, with an intense resistance to variations of an established process, or newness
• make a few blatant serious mistakes in otherwise meticulous work
• often accident-prone   (BOOK:”My Mother/ My Self”, Nancy Friday: constantly bumping into things = her rage)

Our Communications
• give a secret enemy the silent treatment, phony smiles, looking cool & unconcerned…. while stockpiling resentments
• make endless promises to change, but never do
• make convoluted statements, leave important info out, have poor eye contact
• ambivalent in ‘trying’ to decide – keep others from accomplishing their plans, make people wait to hear from you about invitations
• always need to prove you’re right in a disagreement
• constantly complain about personal misfortunes, exaggerating difficultiesscreen-shot-2017-02-25-at-1-34-28-am
• like to stir up trouble, lie to make yourself look good & others look bad
• give subtle insults (back-handed compliments) that prey on someone’s weakness

• say that others are unreasonable & unsympathetic when you don’t perform tasks up to par
• nit-pick,  continually correct others, withhold praise someone deserves, make people wait for their evaluation
• often say you’ll do something you don’t really want to, & then back out at the last minute – with lame excuses
• tell jokes that make others look bad or are inappropriate for the occasion or audience, disguise anger with teasing
• blame others for making you do things you don’t want to do

Our Relationships
• pick mates who will take care of you, allow you to manipulate them
• string someone along but refuse to commitsneaky satisfaction
• usually oppose other people’s plans – to be in control
• gets real secondary pleasure out of frustrating others
• sulk when you don’t get your way
• ‘forget’ to follow thru promises made to others
• use new mate to replace previous or deceased one
• inappropriately invite or bring others along to a one-to-one dinner, event, trip…..  – without warning or asking the other person ahead of time if it’s acceptable
• pay more attention to other people (stranger, attractive ‘other’, acquaintances….) that to your date/mate
• talk too much about or brag about previous relationships
• keep innocuous secrets from mate, prefer to lie about little things

• constantly on your cell when you’re with someone else (‘phubbing)
• prolong any annoyance or disagreement
• break a promise of confidentiality (3rd party gossip)
• cut people off without explanation, burning bridges
• ambivalent & indecisive, following the lead of cheatingevery one else but yourself
• envious and resentful of peers who succeed or who are viewed positively by authority figures
• Men –  refuse to provide your mate’s sexual desires/ needs
,  refuse to ejaculate to show you’re in control, lack of sexual interest, may resort to physical aggression
• re. Infidelity – either gender – extramarital affairs or promiscuity, phone/ internet sex

NEXT: P-A ‘nice’ comments

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ People (Part 4)

 

HURT YOU? BITE YOU?
I would never-r-r!

PREVIOUS: P-A #2

SITE  P-A BEHAVIOR in Relationships

 

NOTE:  Look for red flags, using the lists from the posts:’Passive-aggressive Comments, Symptoms of P-A anger – in us, & the set below

IN relationship with a P-A
Because neurotics (‘Givers) take on so much responsibility, they prevent P-As (‘Takers) from having to act differently, enabling the dysfunction to continue.
Character disordered people doesn’t change as long no one call them on their behavior. But for that to happen everyone they deal with would have to recognize them for what they are, & react appropriately in the moment. Otherwise, they just continue to get away with assuming they’re always right.
EXP: Many women, in divorce court, have been humiliated & financially victimized by judges favoring clever & rich pathological spouses!

In the mean time, until pigs fly, anyone dealing with P-As (& other personality disorders) on a regular basis must verbalize reasonable expectations & stand firm on necessary limits. The ball always has to be tossed back into their court. It’s their responsibility to own up to and work on their issues, so the best you can do is make them accountable.

To start with, it’s important to recognize what’s going on so you don’t think you’re crazy. You may already think you are if you grew up with at least one P-A parent, or everyone in the family – denying how hurt & angry they were, but never acknowledging, much less having dealt with it. But it’s not you!
Because of that beginning, we may have picked up the P-A habit ourselves, but more often we unconsciously choose work environments & personal relationships with P-As. To change that, notice overall patterns of behavior in the people around you, monitor your emotions & never ignore gut reactions.
EXP: You are likely to feel angry, confused, or powerless – when needing to get their cooperation or trying to be heard. But since you can’t have an honest, direct conversation with a P-A person, nothing ever gets resolved.

AND if you continually, compulsively surround yourself with P-As, review your own Fear of Intimacy, because P-As keep everyone at bay. They are not able to be intimate – without Recovery – being cut off from parts of themselves & functioning from the False Self.
If we stay around them for too long we’re guaranteed to feel abandoned – because we are.

Some ways P-As express anger in Relationships:
MILD
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
Procrastinates – is deliberately slow &/or puts things off
Always late/leaves early. Walks out on people. Bangs doors
Refuses to do what is reasonably expected
Refuses to listen. Pretends not to hear or see
Deliberately sloppy

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
Uncooperative. Withdrawn
Twists the truth. Manipulative
Acts forgetful. Keeps rehashing the past

MODERATE
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
Acts sick or helpless. Refuses to clean oneself or the home
Impulsive – fails to plan ahead. Deliberately makes mistakes
Refuses to function as a responsible parent or spouse
Works markedly below ability. Refuses to work regularly. Absenteeism at work

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
Refuses to be responsible. Overly stubborn
Distances others. Deliberately avoid or ignore someone
Distances others. Won’t communicate &  gives Silent Treatment
Always negative. Withholds support. Refuses to praise or compliment
Enjoys seeing people become upset. Is Divisive

SEVERE
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
Refuses to eat. Refuses to take care of a serious health problems
Fails to attend to the needs of the spouse or children
Deliberately fails at work. Fails to pay bills. Neglects the home

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
Doesn’t receive love. Withholds love from a spouse. Avoids intimacy
Undermines children’s trust/respect for spouse or other important relatives/friends
Always in victim role. Deliberately acts to be sick or makes themselves sick
Makes false accusations. Con-artist

Dealing with a passive-aggressive is always frustrating & sometimes enraging, especially when it’s your spouse. One of the many problems is that they find it much easier to say what they don’t want than what they do want.
Inside the P-A is a wounded child who isn’t safe enough to voice how it really feels – from fear of punishment, rejection, sarcasm, engulfment …. Their True Self has retreated, making it hard for the P-A to say what’s bothering them, so they expect others to read their mind! & provide unspoken, even unacknowledged needs.  And if you don’t, you will be punished – no matter how indirectly.

REMEMBER – their tactics are never about us! even tho it does have a great impact on our interactions with them

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