Using ‘THINK’ instead of ‘Feel’ (Part 2)

 

PREVIOUS: Think or feel #1

POSTS: “Emotions….” – there are 27 of them (in 2011 + Jan 2012) – in case anyone mistakenly thinks Emotions are being minimized 😱

 

 

THINKING
The human brain is built for language – mainly on the Left side – the mental tool that allows us to formulate ideas, & the cognitive rules for linking them together. Being able to think clearly & accurately needs a healthy, well developed top part of the brain. The frontal lobe, particularly the area furthest forward – the prefrontal cortex – is involved in sophisticated inter-personal thinking skills. Both left & right sides of it are used for interactive social competence, & the mental skills needed for our emotional well-being.

USING ACCURATE LANGUAGE
For those of us in 12-Step Programs or faithful practitioners of a spiritual path,  Spiritual Principles tell us to be honorable in all our ways – as much as humanly possible. One of those ideals is to be Trustworthy, & one way to do that is to be sure we “say what we mean & mean what we say.”

This allows others to depend on us, without being co-dependent, as long as we’re speaking from our Truth. To be able to do that implies:
— we have internal permission to find out who we are, a day at a time
— we’re capable of & willing to be honest with ourselves about what we truly think & feel, AND can tell them apart
— have the right kind of language to figure out those out, & then express them

Mental vagueness makes knowing that impossible, & inaccurate speech creates misunderstanding, so we stay isolated & hurt others.
Instead, we need the right kind of info about such things as :
— how to talk to ourselves with kindness & patience
— having healthy boundaries, to know when to talk or not
— how to say things from the Adult ego state instead of from the WIC or PP

— who we’re talking to (sick family, loving mate, dumb boss….)
— what’s appropriate to say in various situations, like when it’s ok to get personal, & when we’re over-sharing
— how to deal with disagreements & conflict
— how to communicate emotions
— the difference between rescuing & helping
— what level of communication we’re dealing with ↗

🌟 GROWTH
Consciously, consistently practice saying “I THINK…..” instead of “I feel…”, will greatly help to figure who WE are, contributing to our ‘sanity’ & improving our connection with others – unless deliberately meaning to refer to body sensations or emotions.

The easiest way to know the difference:

❇  Sensations & Emotions are ONE WORD each, as many as we are experiencing at the time: “I feel tired & achy, but relieved & happy / I feel hungry but I’m too excited to eat / I’m so jumpy – I can’t relax…..”

✳ Thoughts are always MORE than one word (any sentence). “I think it’s time to ask for a raise / How long do you think it’ll take? / I think you’re a pain-in-the–!”…..

NOTE: Thoughts —-> lead to —-> emotions (Es), but we rarely actually say the Es in conversation. “I feel like you don’t like me” does not indicate any emotion.
More accurate possibilities would be: “I’m angry / sad / frustrated / lonely / afraid…. when I worry (think/believe) that you might not like me”

And we don’t have to be limited to the word ‘think / thought’. Here are others that fall into the M category of PMES, (Mental), which is the same as ‘cognitive’.

• “I assume you know what you’re doing”
• “I believe it’s time to end this affair”
• “I concluded she was angry at me”
• “They didn’t consider that a legitimate option”
• “I’m convinced my neighbor is spying on me!”
• “I figure they’re going to be half an hour late as usual”
• “I gathered this is your favorite restaurant”
• “I can’t imagine anyone being willing to help me”
• “I know now that I can trust you”

• “Did you notice the way she were looking at you?”
• “I observe that he never finishes anything”
• “I can’t stop obsessing about that mistake I made”
• “I’m projecting that no one at the party will like me”
• “Don’t even speculate about that!”
• “He suspected them of lying to the cops”
• “Did you think I was insulting you?”
• “I keep wondering how soon I can leave – politely!”
• “Did you understand that lecture?”

EXERCISE: As a contrast, figure out (Ts) how you’d (incorrectly) say these sentences using “I feel that…. / I feel like….” EXP: “I feel like I can trust you now”

Regularly including one of these THINKING words ⬆ in our sentences – instead of FEEL –  is a hard habit to break, but very worth the effort!

PS: This Chart identifies a wide range of Es, in 4 groupings. See how many you are aware of throughout your day. Stay aware for how they’re not thoughts.

NEXT:

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ACoAs: PATIENCE vs Co-dependent Waiting (Part 3)


PREVIOUS:
Co-dep vs Patience #2

POST:  S & I: Healthy….(Part 3) Process, point #3.


HEALTHY PATIENCE (cont.)

Real patience :
is based on selfTRUST, an aspect of the True Self , rather than trusting others – too little or too much. This trust is the result of taking care of our needs & knowing what our destiny/ bliss/ passion’ is. It’s being willing to keep working toward them no matter how long it takes or how hard the path is to get there, believing we can last out the tough times.  This minimizes or eliminates envy & jealousy – because we have the right & power to provide for ourselves, so that needing to be Patient is not so frustrating

• requires a decent handle on boundaries, having learned what’s ‘my stuff’ vs. what’s yours – which can only come from knowing oneself well (inventories, Meetings, therapy, dreams, healthy adult mirroring….). Then patience is waiting to see what others can or are willing to do for themselves

• is working toward appropriate (do-able) goals, step by step, knowing it takes time to accomplish something worthwhile, knowing that some things take longer than others. (College was 4 yrs, meeting husband-to-be took going to singles dances for 7 yrs, Recovery – ongoing for the last 40 yrs!)

Real patience :
• comes from using our intuition, intelligence & experience to know when to “hold ’em & when to fold ’em” – letting things develop naturally
— Sometimes we just need to wait for a better (human) time, for a more appropriate location or person, for more emotional healing, for H.P.’s timing
— Sometimes we need to admit when something we want is not healthy, & let go of the original desire/demand, OR know when something is simply not possible – the way we want it – & then look for alternatives or change the goal

• is having realistic expectations – knowing how things actually work in the real world. This includes accepting that most setbacks are temporary.
EXPs: starting an online biz can take 3-5 years to become profitable
— calling a company for help or info usually takes 3-5 calls – long waits, no help, calling back, going thru several people – before getting THE answer or appointment
— having to wait for a physical injury to heal completely
— waiting in a line of any kind, a time to multi-task (context-switching, #3)……

• knowing what triggers our impatience – old childhood buttons from things that were done to us over & over – & still bother us, a lot!  Patience is a virtue because it requires self-control, so we don’t ruin things for others by anxiety & selfishness

It means accepting that we:
• can’t force an issue or project to go faster than possible – called process.   Planning, evaluation & measurement all take time
• don’t expect mates, children friends…. to be in the same place we are at the moment. Instead, we can continue our own life based on the principles of the Program (like Step 12, attraction not promotion) – allowing others their own timing
• not demand to be heard or understood in all situations & by everybody (stores, banks, service people…. loved ones…..)

BENEFITS
🍀 Reduces stress, minimizing anger & overwhelm
🍀 Develops understanding & compassion for others because we know what it takes to deal with life’s ups & downs
🍀 We make better decisions, avoiding as many mistakes, by taking the time to assess each situation, see the big picture, weigh the pros & cons, then choose the best option at the time

With patient & diligent effort, using everything in our Recovery tool box, we can apply the Serenity Prayer correctly & wrap ourselves in love-energy as we wait for good things to come.

NEXT: MBTI – Introvert vs Extrovert BRAINS

MBTI Type – ESTP

 

 

PREVIOUS: MBTI Intro 2b

SITEEach MBTI type as enemy

 

 

The EXTROVERTS (EX)

ESTP – ENTREPRENEUR / Doer / Persuader
Extrovert-Sensing-Thinking-Perceiving

Most FUN  – “Adrenalin junkie”
3.0% females, 5.6% males

NATURAL
GOAL: To win. 
ESTPs are adaptable & action-oriented, focused on immediate results, who like to take a practical approach to problem-solving that will produce immediate results.  They apply common sense & experience to problems, quickly analyzing what’s wrong, & then fixing it, often in an inventive or resourceful way. Living in the here-and-now, they’re risk-takers who live fast-paced, traveling the world. They tend to be bored by abstract theories, impatient with long explanations, & learn best through doing. 

They have great people-skills – friendly, outgoing straight-shooters, & extremely loyal to their peers. Are good at picking up on little clues about others’ personalities & feelings, & can motivate others by bringing energy into situations. They’re not usually respectful of laws & rules if they get in the way of getting things done. ESTPs leap before they look, fixing their mistakes as they go rather than being idle, but prepare contingencies & escape clauses.

ESTPs are: charming, confident, crude, fearless, logical, spontaneous, trustworthy, unconventional. And not all are obsessed with sex. 

HIDDEN side
Surprising to some, ESTPs value book-smarts & often enjoy conversing with Rational types. They may not grasp ‘heady’ concepts as easily (nor apply them responsibly), but they find philosophical topics stimulating – just another piece of equipment in life’s big playground. While they’re naturally persuasive, they’re not usually interested in corporate & political arenas where they could thrive. Ladder-climbing in organizations doesn’t appeal to them – in fact, many ESTPs cringe at the very idea, so they rarely pursue those career tracks.

Life’s Purpose:  DOing when others don’t
• Their Law: “You shall always live in the moment!”
• They Comfort others by saying: Alright…..So you’re sad. Why is that?

• They say: I get more from first-hand experience than from study. Rules are made to be broken – so watch me break them! Life’s either a daring adventure or nothing at all
Communication: They’ll talk whether someone likes it or not – look out world. They should stop talking about nothing.

• Weaknesses:
 Defiant, insensitive, impulsive, impatient, misses big picture, risk-prone, unstructured, contradicting themselves
Manipulate: Mess others around because – one day they’re hung-ho about a life-changing project or promise, then lose interest in it the next day

• Paradoxes: (Un-developed ESTP) Knows they shouldn’t, & do it anyway. Bold & undependable. Think they’re funny, &/but only to those who are like them
Judge people: on their ‘smarts’  • Fear: Of commitment
Are Judged for: not taking life seriously

Become STRESSED from situations shown in the illustration
Under stress they act first, figure things out later. They deal with problems & frustrations by going after more & more external stimulation & adventure (similar to EnneaType 7s). When disappointed or restless, they think it’s time to re-create their (lagging or previous) successful public persona. They either find a new audience to charm, or resort to some grand gesture to reinforce their image & make them feel desirable/popular again (Ennea #3)

However, internally they suffer from a deep sense of emptiness, so intimacy becomes almost impossible, as they get increasingly detached from true emotional connections. As stress mounts, they get more agitated, chronically anxious, distracted & paranoid, but overactive, frivolous & too concerned with people’s opinions of them.

• Hate: Asking for help – it makes them feel stupid. Authority. Conventional or monotonous situations. Over-sensitive people. Constantly being asked how they feel about things. Forced to ‘tone it down’. Limits. Stupid people. When someone wants a heart-to-heart talk just as they’re ready to go out for some fun

• Don’t argue with ESTPs when they’re holding: The door open for you
• Never: Dominate them.  • Never tell them: Nothing you do is very impressive

GROWTH
Advice: Keep your promises, or don’t make them at all.
ESTPs tend to have trouble managing their time, so they can lose interest in long, complex projects. Being so focused on immediate problems will lead to ignoring long-term ongoing issues. They live for excitement!, being the life of the party, thriving on adrenaline!  However, periodically taking some time to shut out the world – & writing down all their adventures – could help to create much-needed balance.

Many ESTPs are uncomfortable focusing on, exploring & talking about relationships. They need to take time to consider their true priorities, & to realize the effect their choices have on others around them. When they take responsibility for their actions & acknowledge their importance in a larger context, they become more stable, reliable, & emotionally honest.

ESTP Relationships (More….)
You
truly love life, immersing yourself in it. Partners & friends experience you as adventurous but also pragmatic

• Thrive in any that are: fun & easy-going (More….)
• As a Friend, you’re the one obsessed with that one thing, & will. not. stop. talking. about it!
• Annoyed when: someone never wants to go outside

ESTP parent, & child of ESTP, ESTP child

Still single because: it’s your choice
• Unhealthy behavior: Cheating

Show interest by: Being awkward
Show love: You’re attentive to their comfort, will motivate & boost their courage
• You want to hear: I’m excited with you

• You’re attractive/sexy because: Something about your down-to-earth, hands-on style is tantalizing – you ooze ‘tactile’. It’s hard to resist your passion & will-power

You should DATE someone who: won’t take your occasional stream of b.s. Who’s intelligent & can stand up to your know-it-all attitude. Who can keep you from taking too many risks, but lets you be yourself, & can also keep you excited

• To attract you (men?), someone needs to: Act sweet, wide-eyed, impressed with everything they do. Their ego will respond well to your fuel.

FAMOUS ESTPs: Donald Trump, cowboy Roy Rodgers, actors Eddie Murphy, Madonna, Bruce Willis, Biblical Jacob (OT) & Peter (NT) (More….)

NEXT: ESTJ

Meyers-Briggs INTRO – charts (Part 1b)

 

 

PREVIOUS: MBTI Intro #1a

SITE: INFJoe Cartoons

 

 

REMINDER: When people consistently differ from each other in how they see & interact with the world (different MBTI types), it’s only reasonable  they’ll differ in their interests, reactions, values, motivations & skills.

Our TYPE is Innate, Observable
TYPE can be Influenced
TYPE is not a box, not an excuse
TYPE indicates Preferences, Not skills
TYPE is a life-long Journey
🌈
DETECTING  PREFERENCES
E = ‘I have to experience life to understand it’
Work:
Stop by to see me. Communication: Talk it out
I = ‘I have to understand life to experience it’
Work:
Do not disturb. Communication: Think it thru
J = ‘I run my life.  Work: Glad this is done’
Communication:
Joy of closure
P = ‘I live my life’. Work: I have plenty of time
Communication:
Joy of process

 S = ‘I need to work thru a problem to see a result’
Fun:
This was great for the price. Communication: Specifics
N = ‘I see results/solutions to problems at the beginning’
Fun:
This just gave me a great new idea! Communication: Big picture

T = ‘I can be insensitive’.  Work : She has good credentials. 
Communication:
Logical implication
F = ‘I can be too sensitive’. Boss re. candidate: I like him. 
Communication:
Impact on people
⬆ From SLIDE SHOW
👨🏻‍🏫👩🏽‍🏫WORK The middle two letters of our specific type are the best predictor of career choice. (
ST, SF, NT, NF Being in the wrong job for our type makes the job difficult & make us feel like a failure, while being in the appropriate job/career guarantees success, even when there are things we may not like about it, or if it takes time & effort to ‘get it right’! (More….)
NUANCES (facets)
The official MBTI typing instrument is made up of 93 questions. It provides the taker with the 4-letter code we’re most familiar with (ISFP, ENFJ….), the Type that stays with us throughout life. It also identifies where we fall on a continuum of 20 sets of nuances,(see below) 5 per preference. Using our various facets makes it possible to fall in a mid-zone within our type, & allows us to say that how we act depends on the situation!

EXP: Some Thinkers are wired to respond with certain facets of Feeling in special circumstances, some Judgers can be casual when feeling safe, some Introverts will be gregarious in certain contexts. …. In other words, we’re not all typical.
These possibilities are not allowed for in short-form questionnaires

The following CHARTS explain the 40 possible aspects that make up all the expressions of personality type, including the out-of-preference/ atypical facets.
Each of us is a unique mixture of our Type’s 20 nuances. It all comes down to brain plumbing.  (More re. Brain in future posts ). So an ESTJ would have 5 Extrovert, 5 Sensate, 5 Thinking & 5 Judging possible characteristics…..
EXP:
• You may identify as an Introvert (I), which is your innate preference which will include facets commonly displayed by Is, & some that are outside your category. This means that an Introvert could have 4 (I) nuances & 1 usually preferred by Es.

CAVEAT: Popular on-line tests are weak or useless because they condense the # of Qs from the official / correct questionnaire, & also change some of the wording. This leads to homogenizing the outcome. Some people will fit the ‘box’ built into these tests, while others will be slightly off from their pre-set ‘norm’, making the conclusions unreliable. The missing “extra” Qs in the original/ official test, which may seem repetitious, are needed to capture those important nuances of personality type & cognitive function.
ORIENTATION Nuances


COGNITIVE Nuances

MBTI types & D.I.S.C. (Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, Conscientiousness)

 

 

NEXT: MBTI INTRO – 2a

Meyers-Briggs INTRO (Part 1a)

I‘VE ALWAYS WONDERED
why I do things!

PREVIOUS: Psychological Disorders #6

SITEs: M-B: Does it pay to know your type? (includes some MBTI history)
• The Dynamic Basis for Type 

ORIGIN: MBTI is a personality inventory used by psychologists, as well as a tool for self-discovery, made up of 4 dichotomies (8 opposing functions). In 2000, an estimated two million people took the test, making it the most frequently used inventory available. First introduced in 1942, it was the work of mother & daughter Katharine C. Myers Briggs and Isabel Briggs.

It’s based on Carl Jung’s theory of types, outlined in his 1921 work Psychological Types, which said that human behavior follows from an inborn Extroverted (E) or Introverted (I) way of interacting with the world & of being energized. This became the 1st level. (MBTI History….)

*** Jung also identified 2 basic functions of Consciousness: (more in Part 2)
💚 Perceiving: Making decisions – either by Thinking or Feeling (T/F).

👁 Judging: Absorbing info – either by Sensing or Intuition (S/N)

S-N & T-F became levels 2 & 3, which are the core of typing. (MORE….)

Is was Isobel Myers who later listed Judging & Perceiving as separate components, giving us the 4th level. Each preferred function is expressed consciously (T over F, E over I….), while its less desired opposite shows up as behaviors driven by repressed, unconscious parts of our personality (as character defects?) (MORE… )

TOO SIMPLE? At first glance, only looking at the 4 opposite categories (which are on a broad continuum), the MBTI may seem simplistic. BUT – there are many nuances derived from various sets of connections, yielding a valuable range of deeper & more detailed personality insights.

• PREFERENCES: Our ‘mental process’ comes from using MBTI’s 2 middle levels (S-N, T-F), to identify each type’s preferences, from most to least, which form Stacks. The strongest one has the most powerful influence on our personality growth. If allowed to develop naturally, we come to trust this favored style, the Dominant (ENFJ = Extroverted Feeling), & our second most preferred one becomes the Auxiliary (ENFJ = Introverted Thinking).  (More in future posts)

Type falsification: However, too often family, school & culture won’t let us develop on a natural path. EXP: A child who easily prefers the T function will try to make logical, objective decisions, but is made to feel guilty in an F-oriented family for not focusing enough on group harmony & other Feeler values.
So this child grows up to devalue their preferred dominant &/or auxiliary functions, having been pushed to develop other less-natural ones instead. Gradually they’ll ignore & then suppress the ability to trust their inborn decision-making process (T), or to notice & use important T info could give them throughout life.

This CHART shows how Jung’s Psyche components generate the 4 functions – from a fascinating article of a Jungian analysis of Shakespeare’s ‘Macbeth’, which includes the False Self, a lack of S & I, the Shadow…..

JUNGIAN definitions
Introversion – An orientation to life via “subjective psychic content”, so that the ego/conscious Self is focused on its internal world, which includes the collective unconscious & its archetypes.
NOT isolators, not intrinsically shy or withdrawn, Is are however more comfortable living within the ‘limits’ of their inner world of thoughts, feelings, fantasies & dreams. They don’t like crowds, noise & hub-hub, but can be very talkative & sociable on a one-to-one basis.

Extraversion – A concentration of interest in external objects – whereby the ego/overall personality is mainly concerned with gaining gratification from what is outside the Self. Es greatly enjoy human interactions – being assertive, enthusiastic, gregarious & talkative.
NOT: automatically socially adept, easy with everyone or know what to say in very situation. Wounded extroverts are likely to sit on the sidelines & wait to be approached, or hide behind work, activities & authority roles.

🌓 🌗 AMBIVERT
 – for those of us who straddle the Type fence of choices .

Also see: “The Ambivert advantage”

👂🏾 If you want to know what an Extrovert is thinking, just listen.
👄 If you want to know what an Introvert is thinking, you have to ask them.
Read EXPLANATIONS of this ⬆ list

NEXT: M-B Intro #2a

Psychological DISORDERS (Part 5c)

IT’S IMPERATIVE
I know what to look for!

PREVIOUS: Personality Disorders (Part 1)

SITE: “How to deal with a PS
* “Grey rocking – if you can’t go No-Contact” (re. NPDs)
* “Grey rock method of dealing with a Psychopath”

 

4. SOCIOPATHS & PSYCHOPATHS (cont)
PSYCHOPATHS (PS)
ORIGINPsychopathy is generally considered a combination of genetic & chemical imbalances. Scans of PS brain show the section responsible for impulse control & emotions (compassion & remorse) is not developed.  So they lack the proper neurological framework to develop a sense of ethics and morality.

PSs are born with cortical under-arousal, with temperamental characteristics such as impulsiveness & fearlessness, leading to a lot of risky activities.
Also, t
hey don’t ‘get’ (internalize) social standards of behavior, making it impossible to act appropriately. They’re just as likely to hurt their family & friends as they are strangers
IMP: PSs are not ‘insane’, as in losing touch with reality like in psychosis

(PS) EMOTIONS
<—- CHART, side view: In the extreme, Cluster B PD  people suffer from a brain anomaly dramatically affecting their mental abilities & a basic part of their personality. The anomaly is called Cave of septum pellucidum, causing the meso-temporal lobe to be diminished or starved. This scan shows reduced amounts of ‘grey areas’ in the prefrontal cortex & temporal poles, areas that normally play a vital role in expressing emotions & governing moral behavior.

Top view —> Affected people are not capable of a sense of self-worth, guilt, introspection, self-consciousness, awareness of consequences….. nor attachment to, empathy with, concern for, or even ‘like’ – much less genuine feelings of love – for anyone. Others have no meaning for the PS except to be used for personal gain. And with no conscience, there’s nothing internal to stop them from doing horrendous things to others, & believing that it’s ok. (VIDEO of child psychopath)

(PS) MAIN TRAIT
• “The LIE  (the more elaborate, the better) is the primary weapon used to snare their victims, & the inner justification for their right to cause harm. (like Bernie Madoff)

To a PS, lying is as easy as breathing, since they have no physiological reaction to thinking or expressing lies (blushing, heart racing, sweating). When caught, they just create more ‘stories’. They can be Narcissist, Victim, Con-artist or Professional (political, religious, absolute)” (MORE….)
For extensive characteristics, read posts Red Flags from PSs

(PS) SOCIAL
FROM ‘Ms No world Order’ website: “They can be found in every culture, races & socio-economic levels. They thrive in a collective environment, & are common at the top of most power structures – corporate, government & religious.

Psychopaths are manipulative & can easily gain people’s trust because they’ve learned to mimic emotion, & so appear “normal” to the unwary. They’re often educated & hold steady jobs. Some are so good at faking & conning that they can have families & other long-term relationships without those around them ever suspecting their true nature. (Dexter)

These are the people we most associate with aggressive, perverted, criminal, or amoral behavior, without empathy or remorse. They’re angry & deeply abnormal (unhealthy), who need to have control over others & cannot nor want to sense other people’s emotions. They get a high off of their anti-social actions.(MORE….)

CATEGORIES
1. Distempered PS
Primary:  violent predators, don’t respond to punishment
Secondary: risk-takers, are violent, but fear getting caught
2. Charismatic PS
Primary : can live the ‘big lie’
Secondary :  can tell the ‘small lie’& live with it

TYPES
Abrasive – like to be different, can’t be trusted, will insult… to win an argument, always proud when they come out on top. They have no remorse – even for the greatest cruelty
Explosive – immediate & frequent access to their rage – taking it out on whoever is available. They can erupt unpredictably, & are savage when loosing control, taking down a victim before the person knows what just happened.

Malignant – driven by paranoia, but changing their beliefs & pt of view depending on how much they ‘like’ someone. Unlike other PSs, their methods are ineffective & backfire on themselves. They’re been the victim of terrible abuse from others & so are terrified of everyone, which generates elaborate horrendous revenge fantasies, which they obsess over but don’t do

• Malevolent
– cold-blooded & ruthless, paranoid &/or sadistic, they’re much more controlled than the Explosives. They’re convinced that the purpose of tender emotions in others (love, kindness, sympathy…. ) are only used to manipulate the PS, so they fear/hate those, & refuse to feel them.
They love power & get off on mistreating others. If they don’t get what they want they’ll react with arrogance, contempt & cruelty, & so includes many murderers & serial killers.

Tyrannical – cool & cunning & inherently violent, they’re turned on by the vulnerability of others. They’ll only target people to prey on who they sense will capitulate, & avoid resisters. Their victims must totally submit or join the PS as the weaker ‘partner’, delighting in the other’s humiliation & intimidation. They relish the suffering of others, often taking a token to relive the abusive experience.
Modified FROM Quantumcast – video

NEXT: Personality Disorders (Part 3)

Psychological DISORDERS (3c)

 

MY CHARACTER DEFECTS
are just twisted versions of the True me!

PREVIOUS: Disorders #3a

SITE:   What is High-functioning Anxiety?

 

2. NEUROSES  – From a DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE (cont.)

c. Transactional Analysis  – The IMPASSE
Def : 
A road or passage having no exit, as a cul-de-sac
A situation so difficult that no progress can be made. Deadlock/stalemate

In psychological terms, impasses are formed as Type 1, 2 & 3 developmental stages in childhood, during which script-decisions are made. Scripts – our unconscious plan for life /internal ‘story’ – are usually based on unmet needs & abuse. This causes inner conflicts between one’s Parent & Child ego states, & usually experienced by the child first as a personal failure – an internalized sense of inadequacy. Parents, wider family & society present, repeat & reinforce scripts – in some cases positive, but in most cases harmful. (See the Gouldings’ 12 script themes – similar to the ACoA Toxic Rules)
This shows the power & active participation of children in their own development.

As adults, we all carry a representation (model) of the world  & ourselves – where we belong, how we fit in, our work & how we do it, & where we’re headed. If the source of this model comes from a dysfunctional family, it will always fall short of dynamic, ever-changing reality – limiting our S & I growth.
An impasse (being stuck in some area of life) indicates a need for change in order to move forward. The different intensities of psychological disorders represent various stages & intensities of impasse. (MORE...)

CHART: 3 development stages of conflicts between inner Parent (P) & Child (C)
3rd degree impasse (Po-Co: Birth to 6 months, pre-verbal, even pre-natal)
These earliest conflicts are produced by the type of connection between mother & child, depending on how they relate day after day. They will be around the issue of survival, between: abandonment & engulfment, destroying or being destroyed, worth & worthlessness….

EXPIf the mother has an unhealed WIC – stuck in her own impasse – her wounds get communicated to the baby, day after day. If she is insensitive, controlling or brutal – the effect on the baby is predictable.
However – much more difficult to identify later on –  if h
er grown up Adult & Parent parts are used to activate, even improve her parenting style, without Recovery her behavior won’t have any affect on her little C1 ego state. No matter how she tries to cover it up, her deepest damage will unconsciously keep re-traumatizing the baby. 

A depressed or angry mother can ‘responsibly’ feed & look after her baby son every day, but he knows / senses his mother is emotionally bereft. He intuits (or is told) that he needs to take care of her – all focus must be on her instead of his own feelings & needs – OR ELSE she may somehow leave (die). So he feels unworthy to be taken care of & worthless for not being able to help her, which causes intense anxiety. So he slowly develops defensive patterns like people-pleasing / isolation / addictions…., which form his False Self.

As an adult, this earliest impasse continues as deep-seated conflicts in PMES forms such as muscle tension, psychosomatic complaints, immune disorders…. & expressed verbally in symbolic images, such as “I feel as if I’m in a fog, lost, cold & alone, there’s a wall up between me & everyone else” …. 

 2 degree impasse (P1-C1:  6 mths – 6 yrs)
Made up of Injunctions (authoritative orders) carried by feelings /emotions. They become internalized, often through non-verbal comman
ds, at a time when the child has only a basic grasp of language. Script-decisions made are around basic theme about the child’s identity, such as: “Who am I? // Am I important? // Don’t grow up // Don’t feel”….. Later on, it’s much harder to remember how these issues developed, so the person usually doesn’t know they’re stuck back there

 1 degree impasse (P2-C2 : 6+ yrs old, when they can understand language)
The struggle here is between what the child should & should not do, what behaviors are socially acceptable or not. Internalized verbal
instructions (counter-injunctions) will be things like: “Please others // Always try hard // Be a good boy or good girl // Never get angry”….. These are more accessible to awareness, so later on it’s easier to remember who gave them & in what form.

BREAKING the Impasse – options
When the Bad Parent is so strong that it keeps the messages in place, the person gives in & continues to live by the original ‘rules’, keeping the Healthy Child bound. HOWEVER – 
a. When the person’s Wounded Child refuses to go along with its Bad Parent’s messages & is finally allowed to get angry, it liberates the Healthy / Free Child
b. The Bad Parent’s injunctions are agreed with, but the Healthy Child’s needs are ‘redefined’, often in humorous terms. Then both sides win.
EXP = Parent voice: “You’re crazy”
Child: “I may be crazy, but I’m never boring!”:)

NEXT: Disorders #4a