Co-Dep INTERNAL Negatives (Part 2)


never seem to get anywhere

PREVIOUS: Co-Dep INTERNAL Negatives (Part 1)

SITE: Factors leading to Co-dep

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 High COST of angry-niceness

✔︎ Regretful – getting lost in the ‘Wudda-shudda-cudda” forest of self-recrimination & hopelessness, yet another way to prevent yourself from making healthy changes to improve your life

✔︎ Resentful – you don’t like this about yourself, but you’re filled with resentments. It’s the rage about what you didn’t get as a kid, & the rage NOW at not getting what you silently expect/demand from others. They’re supposed to read your mind so you don’t have to ask. And, why don’t they appreciate & reciprocate all you’ve been doing for them??  ”Why does _____ keep ignoring me? Why hasn’t she/he texted back? What did they mean by that remark??”…..

✔︎ Risk-Averse – being so dependent on others to feel OK keeps you from testing yourself to too what you’re actually capable of OR –
You can take risks in some parts of your life, proving you can do it, yet convinced you can’t try out new ways of doing or thinking – in other areas.

✔︎ Self-Sabotaging – making sure your goals & dreams never come true, staying in jobs & relationships you hate but can’t seem to extricate yourself, refusing to use the options that would help you move on.

✔︎ Sleepless (in Seattle??) – tossing & turning, worrying about what you have to do in the morning & the rest of the day – every day, about how you’re going to manage the ‘conversation’ you’re dreading (with the boss, a subordinate, a family member….), obsessing about an ‘incident’ yesterday by text or email because someone was mad at you….. NEVER ever really relaxed

✔︎ Suffering – stubbornly cling to your self-hate to (unconsciously) prove your deep loyalty to the family, so :
—  you pick people who are unhealthy, making yourself vulnerable to the same kind of neglect & abuse you got growing up, & sometimes even worse
— all the stress of suppressing your emotions + cruel self-talk + unhappy relationships = physical ailments, chronic & long-lasting

✔︎ Terrified – all the time, even if you don’t realize that’s why you’re breathing is so shallow. Scared to make a mistake or of not knowing something, of doing anything that will cause ‘them’ to leave you, or fire you, of taking a stand, of admitting your deepest emotions & sharing your pain, of honestly admitting your family’s abuse & neglect, or your own shortcomings….

✔︎ Trapped – with all the crazy, toxic people you’ve accumulated (& family you cling to), unwilling to extricate yourself because you don’t really want to see  how awful they are & how much they’re harming you, and you can’t bear the idea of ‘hurting’ them any more than they already are. BUT it’s OK to let yourself be terribly injured by them???

✔︎ Uncomfortable – in your skin, crying, being noticed in a group, with gifts or rewards, taking in praise & compliments, even the validation you say you crave

✔︎ Waiting – never having been allowed to know who you really are has insured that you can’t motivate yourself. You wait for any outside force to push you in some direction, never being sure if it’s what you want. If there’s no deadline or needy person – if it’s just you – you’re stalled!

✔︎ Wishy-washy – trouble making decisions, trouble being firm with others, sticking to your point of view: “What if it’s the wrong one? // What if they won’t like what I say? // I want o see what they’re going to do first // I’m not sure what they want me to be/see/feel… // I can’t figure out what to wear to that event, who should I be, how am I supposed to act?I don’t know what to feel about this”….

NEXT: Co-dep EXTERNAL negatives – in us #1

Co-Dep INTERNAL Negatives (Part 1)

& no one will help me!

PREVIOUS: Co-dep angry-nice (#2a)

BOOK: “The Book of No:
250 Ways to Say It – & Mean It, & Stop People-Pleasing Forever”
Susan Newman, PhD (book review)

 High COST of angry-niceness

beleaguered✔︎ Beleaguered (surrounded by troubles), yours & everyone else, until you just want to scream, but that’s too unacceptable, so you swallow the anger & collapse inward. Always saying “I’m sorry”- for things that are not your fault OR beyond your control, tying to placate the monsters inside & out

✔︎ Burnt out – run yourself into the ground, a workhorse – or should we say ‘work like a dog’!?
— try to do more than everyone else
— never ask for help (including spouse & kids)
—  have outrageous expectations of yourself (perfectionism)

✔︎ Confused – “I don’t know how to____, I can’t seem to ____ // Why don’t I get any better? Why am I not appreciated? What am doing wrong? Should I have ____? Why don’t I ever get picked for ____? // I’m not sure who to listen to, who to believe. Isn’t my family right? What if my husband /wife is right about me?”…..

✔︎ Desperate – your frantic efforts to get your needs met in round-about ways always end up in disappointment & disaster. Sadly, no matter how much effort you put in & how determined you are, just like you can’t fix others, they can never fix you. Even so, you keep PMES starving, but refuse to feed yourself. You just get more & more desperate, often to the point of being suicidal

✔︎ Distrustful – if others do actually like you, it doesn’t count because:
— you don’t believe you’re worthwhile
— you don’t trust your own judgement as to who is sincere & who isn’t
— you idealize others, BUT are secretly sure no one is safe
— you know you’re not being emotionally honest, so assume they only like your fake front
— you don’t realize others can see your good qualities, even tho’ you can’t

✔︎ False Self – that you had to develop as child – continues to get reinforced & dominates our life.  Only focusing on your outsides, waiting to be rescued / taken care of guarantees disappointment, wastes decades of your life. You miss out on drive & spontaneity, ignoring opportunities to be creative, to use your natural gifts & to accept all aspects of yourself

✔︎ Frustrated – from never getting control over others to make them be what you want, & do what you need – so you can feel safe. From trying so hard to get it right but never ‘figuring it out’. From longing for the love you don’t think you deserve or have a right to. From living in the fantasy of how thing would be, if only……

✔︎ Gilt-ridden – any time you’re less than chipper, any time you have an angry thought about someone, any time you just can’t do something you think you should or what someone else wants, any time you take a minute out for yourself, anytime someone’s angry at you, any time you’re not perfect……

✔︎ Obsessive – endlessly ‘chewing the cud’, going ’round & ’round about:
— something you did or didn’t do, that you’re sure is going to make others turn away from you in anger or disgust – OR
— about what someone said that hurt, or what they didn’t do that you wanted….. wasting time & energy trying to figure out why?
SO you can fix it & not be abandoned!
always outside

✔︎ On the Outside – for all our effort, you still have your nose pressed against the window – looking in! You’re still lonely, whether isolating or filling your social calendar to overflowing. When you relate to other from the facade of being OK but are really not, no one can truly know you

NEXT:Internal Negatives #2

Co-Dep Angry-Nice UNDERPINNINGS (Part 1)


unless I try a lot harder

PREVIOUS: Co-dep #1

SITEQs @ Co-dep
False beliefs @ being angry

Co-dependence UNDERPINNINGS (all at the same time!)
• Hero – of your own story, but not really. Your sense of importance & value is totally dependent on what you can do for others, whether they want it or not, and on how others react to you. If they respond positively, you can breathe. If they don’t – even once – you feel like the rug’s been pulled out. So you have to keep running from the monster (the Introject), to make sure you always do the right thing – for others – but never for yourself

• Jelly – inside. A quivering mass of terror & self-flagellation, always waiting for the other shoe to drop! The least little thing that goes wrong – you blame yourself – whether others hurt your feelings, or heaven-forbid you don’t know something, or make even a tiny mistake – all reasons to condemn yourself

• Mind-reader – sure you know what everyone else is thinking  –MINd]D READING about you. Your shame & S-H ‘knows’ it’s never anything good, so you never bother to actually find out by asking, lest your suspicions prove to be true

• Martyr – taking on the burdens of everyone else, carrying their suffering for them, assuming they are weak & you’re so much stronger

• Secret Superman/ Wonder-woman – able to leap tall buildings with your determination to march on alone in spite of all your hardships, proving your ability to save others, while never needing any help yourself

• Antennae – that constantly swivel back & forth towards everyone else, overly attuned to your assessment/assumption of other people’s emotions & needs – whether accurate or not. Your focus is for external approval, rather than internal self-fulfillment. Left to your own devices, you feel lost, purposeless, even empty

• Brakes – like on a car – but only the emergency one, keeping you locked in place, stuck in the mud of your pain, so you can’t take care of yourself. You think if you stand perfectly still you’ll be safe, but all you’re doing is trading real freedom & enjoyment for fake-protectioncrazy committee

• A Committee – a dangerous ’round’ table in your head of warring factions – each with an opposing point of view, vying for the upper hand – AND all negative. They’re so loud, you can’t find your own voice, & they drive you crazy, because you’re trying to make sense of craziness!

• Distortions – of thinking (CDs) that warp the way you see & interpret the world – thru the haze of Toxic Rules, FoA & S-H. This includes a skewed idea of Higher Power/God. ACoAs automatically assume that “God is an Alcoholic Parent”. We either:
— hate the whole ‘spirituality’ issues because God didn’t rescue us from very real childhood trauma, or
— try to earn love & acceptance by good works (people-please HP) or
— we assume the ‘universe’ is against us, no matter what we do, just like it was at home


SYMPTOMS of Co-Dep Anger – toward others

WICs communicatingI’VE GOT TO BE NICE
so they won’t see my anger

PREVIOUS: Symptoms- in us

SITE: Co-Dependency  (includes characteristics Qs)

<— Inner children in adults

as you scroll thru these various lists (this & the previous), do NOT use them to berate yourself. If they are primarily psychological rather than medical, they tell us our degree of woundedness, embodied in the False Self. We did not cause these patterns, but it is our choice & option to correct them, a little at a time.

• Looking at Plutchik’s “Emotion Wheel” – we see that anger & fear are opposites – so:
— if we are only aware of or act from being anxious, depressed, feeling like a victim – we’re hiding intense anger we’re afraid to admit to
— if we are in a continual state of anger, rage, resentment & hostility – we are denying feelings of sadness, vulnerability, hopelessness & fear

NOTE: Some things in the list will seem counter-opposite, but can in fact be different sides of the same person, like – act Superior on the outside, feel Inferior on the inside, calm on the surface, but roiling inside…..
ALSO – you don’t need to identify with everything to say you’re hiding rage, & as stated above, some of these things can be caused by sources other that repressed Es (medication, temporary intense stressors, a major illness….).
See —- upcoming — statements which signal indirect anger

• ‘love-buy’ – overspend on gifts, tips, treats
• women often financially support their spouse
• rarely buy anything for yourself
• anticipate needs of others & supply them before being asked
• overly-kind (one of the subtlest forms of anger – think of Dexter, TV’s good-guy serial murderer bringing donuts to work)
• overly responsible at work, trouble delegating
• put yourself at risk rather than refuse someone’s request
• do much more than you’ve been askedscreen-shot-2017-02-24-at-11-41-20-pm

• agree with everything others say, or just smile
• patronize (as in the Southern phrase “Bless your heart!”)
• laugh at jokes that are not funny or you’ve heard many times
• listen endlessly to other people’s problems & complaints
• won’t speak up against disrespect or abuse
• only hint, obliquely, at what you want or don’t like
• mistake honest, respectful dialogue for malicious confrontation
• repress, deny, ignore true thoughts & emotions (dishonesty)
• complain to everyone else about your relationship dissatisfaction except to the one involved

• terrified of being dominated, & weakly try not to be, but  unconsciously act dependent, indecisive, unsure, non-assertive, with weak or no boundaries
• don’t go places or do things if your mate isn’t available or interested – then sulk, complain, cold-shopeople-pleaseulder
• refuse to leave harmful or ‘dead’ relationships, & make the other person responsible for ending it
• cause many ‘little problems’ that irritate your partner, & then seem surprised

• take a partner ‘hostage’ by needing them so much you can’t live without them, make them your whole world
• keep attracting partners that are overtly angry, P-As & narcissist, so you can keep being secretly angry – at them
• pick & stay with addicts, so you can fix them (control)
• don’t say what you want, like, need…. but expect others to mind-read
• withdraw from anyone you like, if it will prevent conflict – without explanation
• imagine worst-case scenarios even when things are going well
• keep bringing up old complaints  with children or mates

• go to any length to not rock to boatat risk
• keep recycling old ways of dealing with complicated situations
• re. sex – women – refuse to ask for what you want/like, never initiate, undermine mate’s sense of adequacy & skill, refuse to respond, lack of desire

NEXT: Co-Dep behavior #1

SYMPTOMS of Co-dep ANGER – in us

angry cat on face
the damage I’ve caused myself

PREVIOUS: Issues for Secretly-A.

SITE: ‘”Shame & Anger in Chronic Shyness”

See ACRONYM page fr abbrev.


• All of the characteristics listed are most likely combined with anxiety, fear, depression &/or with a mental or physical illness, menopause, genetic inheritance ….. which can be checked out medically

• If you identify with many of the behaviors & attitudes in this post & the next (‘toward others’), they’re likely to be:
— copies of what we heard & saw growing up, since we carry an Introject in the form of the Bad Parent voice, which we use on ourselves and on others
— the defensive ways we developed to cope with childhood stress

• These now express our self-hate, fear of abandonment, hidden suicidal wishes, how we placate people we’re afraid of, & try to get approval from people we’re afraid of loosing

Our PHYSICAL Symptoms
CHRONIC Complaints & Ailments, including hereditary weakness which get activated from long-term stress & rage-suppression
✔︎ Lethargy – trouble w/ sleep, drowsy at inappropriate times, always tired, feel ‘heavy’, hold body stiffly, frequent sighing, brain fogemotion-pain-body

✔︎ Illnesses – real, chronic or sequential = heart problems, obesity, ulcers, constipation, headaches, back & joint stiffness or  pain, frequent colds, auto-immune diseases, asthma, knot in your stomach or tightness in your throat

✔︎ Addictions – any type of substance abuse, food sensitivity…
✔︎ Neglect – avoid self-care & appropriate medical attention, get burnt out from over-doing for others,  can’t rest/vegg

✔︎ Systemic – muscle tension, poor memory, often distracted, loss of appetite or gorging on sweets
✔︎ Self-Harm – nail-biting, chewing inside of mouth, picking at skin, pulling out hair, head banging, cutting, often bumping into things

Our EMOTIONAL Symptoms
✔︎ Depression – (for no immediate or visible reason) low-grade but constant, boredom, loss of interest in things once enjoyed. Sulk, withdraw, pout, threaten or try suicide.  Exhaustion, burn-out from suppressing Es

✔︎ Anxiety – panic attacks, excessive irritability, impatience, can feel sad, scared, hurt – but never angry, other emotions more intense from pushing down anger, obsessive worry, fear of being alone but also of being dependent (“I hate you, Don’t leave me.”)

✔︎ Low self-esteem – trouble accepting yourself and others, blame self for harm that other do to you, feel unworthy of anything good, mentally beat self up all the time (rage turned inward)

✔︎ Superiority – feel ‘spiritual’, in control, better than – for never being angry, self-sacrificing martyr, the ‘good one’, control freak, know-it-all, everyone’s friend, helper, rescuer, center of attention

✔︎ Inappropriate Affect –  Mood swings, smiling while hurting or feeling angry, laughing when telling about your abuse & neglect, too calm – not angry but also not joyful, can have an explosive reaction – altho very rare – that’s out of proportion – so it scares others, always nice to people who regularly hurt you insecure /anxious

Our ATTITUDE Symptoms
• feel misunderstood & unappreciated
• often complain about, envy & resent those more fortunate
• are over-sensitive to criticism & afraid of any rejection
• afraid of competition & being seen as less than ‘perfect’
• act out self-sabotage & have a deprivation mentality
• keep a stiff upper lip, act as if you don’t need anyone
let others infringe on your rights & take advantage, but then complain bitterly
• lack of ambition or motivation (can be from depression)
• pretend something doesn’t matter when inside it does

• over-controlled/ monotone voice, or too loud & sharp
• constantly apologize, over-polite, over=helpful
• gossipy, two-faced, patronizing, sarcastic, complaining, flippant
• resist or have trouble talking about yourself, talk about issues/interests rather than personal thoughts & emotions
have weak or no boundaries, afraid to say NO, both to abuse & to things you simply don’t like or want

• busy all the time to avoid emotions, minding everyone else’s business, rush from one thing to the next – OR –
• procrastinating – both for tasks imposed by others,  AND things we say we want to do for ourselves, OR
habitual lateness, unreliable, unpredictable, don’t keep your word
• visibly ambivalent, indecisive, start in one direction & then shift into another without finishing the first
• financially lazy or irresponsible – under-earn, don’t focus on own talents
• compulsive debting – credit cards, chronic / borrowing, not repaying
• won’t plan for your financial future, worry @ $$ but hope for ‘magic fixes’

NEXT: Symptoms – hidden anger toward others

ISSUES for Angry ‘Nice’ People (Part 1)

P-A issues
I’ll be OK (I 


SITE: Danger of Suppressing Anger

QUOTE: Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways”.  Sigmund Freud

• to be loved  //  to not be attacked // to not be alone or lonely

BASIC FEARS:sad girl
• of self-reflection //  being abandoned //  being punished

• feel inadequate, not entitled, self-hating, shame-bound
• not allowed to be assertive or angry, always assume rejection

• controlling, critical, unforgiving // indirectly cruel, attacking, vengeful
• depressed, fussy, hard to please, moody, shy, thin-skinned, withdrawn

PAY-OFFS for using defenses (ie. Negative Benefits)
1. False Weakness (see Original LL)
a. Avoid facing childhood pain
• Connecting with the pain of past & current emotional injuries makes us feel vulnerable, out of control, small & helpless. Anger is energizing – but not allowed – so we end up in constant anxiety, & don’t know why

bCreate physical pain (real or not), as substitute for #a.
• If we’re workaholic (do, do, do) and not allowed to rest / relax / have fun, we can get sick to slow us down
• If we’re not allowed empathy, sympathy, emotional support…. then physical ailments become a way to elicit some of it ‘legitimately’, since sufferthey are tangible & considered acceptable, while emotional hurts can’t be seen & are often considered a weakness
• If we’re not allowed to be/feel taken care of or to find the right kind of help, practically or psychologically, then being weak, sick, incapacitated…. can get us some attention

cContinue being mistreated & abused

• Some of us are so used to being in the victim role – which we really were as kids – that we don’t want to give it up as adults, because it would create separation anxiety from the family & our bad-parent Introject.
Being a victim is about the ‘poor MEs’, staying emotionally immature, waiting to be taken care of. While there is a lot of anger under this position, it’s not supposed to show!

dGet approval for a role
STOIC:Es in the body
Not letting ourselves experience & deal with jealousy, anger, sadness, fear…. is considered ‘strong’, & gently admired in many parts of our society, including the religious community.  They tells us it’s not OK (weak or un-spiritual) to admit to or show unpleasant ‘negative’ emotions, especially anger. It’s called  ‘loosing it, being emotional’. 
We’re even told that all emotions ‘cloud our judgment’.
Unfortunately obeying these dictates is harmful both physically & psychologically   (CHART)

DOORMAT: Being such a ‘nice’ person that you have no opinions or boundaries may make it easier on some people to be around us – especially narcissists – & superficially satisfies our WIC’s desperation to never be abandoned by others, but it insures that we abandon ourselves  (MORE….”Recovering Doormat”)

2. False Strength (See Reverse  LL)
a. Superiority
• Admired – as martyr, ‘good guy’, saint, ‘spiritual’
• One-up – needing others to be needy, sick, dependent, not successful

b. Controlling
• Emotional blackmail, to keep others fearful, attached to us
• Demand our own way (always) – ‘nice’ is only superficial
• Destroy ‘loved ones’  – if they try to be free, happy, themselvesignoring you

c. Punishing
• When we – the ‘good’ GIVER (G) – continually help / rescue/ dominate – another person, the Receiver/ victim/ inferior (R) must:
— have unquestioning, blind loyalty, never object or question
— always provide affection & total attention, care-take
• If the R. objects, withdraws or rebels, then:
— Giver (G) sees R. as selfish, ungrateful, abusive
— G. will punish R. overtly or covertly, attacking or withdrawing

NEXT: SYMPTOMS of Hidden Anger (#1)

MULTIPLE Intelligences (Part 3c)

music / math 

the odds & ‘hearing’ patterns!


 Multiple Is (Part 3b)

SITE:World needs all kinds of music
~ TED talk by Temple Grandin

NOTE: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


5. LOGICAL-MATHEMATICAL (number/reasoning-smart) – learn by reasoning things thru.
This group has the ability to look for patterns, making connections between many & diverse pieces of information. They can then calculate & quantify that info in order to carry out complex mathematical operations, & create hypotheses or propositions. To foster creative problem solving they analyze, predict & manipulate real-world models.

They ask lots of questions, are always curious about natural events & the world around them, like to carry out studies & can handle long chains of reasoning to predict ‘local progressions’ (an increase in something). As young adults they’re drawn to arithmetic problems, strategy games & experiments. This is a less commonly seen Intelligence – since not everyone is automatically good at math, or they don’t give themselves the chance to develop their math-reasoning potential.
They:math / logic
— generate and use abstract thoughts
— try to find logical solutions to problems
— use sequential reasoning skills
— usually good with computers & lots of gadgets
— use inductive & deductive logic
— have a sense of cause & effect
— like reading about scientific discoveries
— like to solve mysteries & ask cosmic questions
— enjoy putting things in order, creating schedules
— get frustrated by disorganization
— better at budgeting, balancing the checkbook
— can reason their way into winning every argument
— are comfortable with numbers, logic, reasoning, abstractions
— will try to figure out how broken things work or untangle messes

ENJOY: calculating, experimenting, logic puzzles, questioning, science museums, things to explore and think about
LEARN: through logic games, investigations, mysteries. Need to learn & form broad concepts before dealing with details
TOOLS: pencil/paper, computers

CAREERS: accountant, computer programmer, detective, engineer, mathematician, researcher /scientist (MORE….)
INCREASE ability: get a book of logic games, knit a sweater, watch a movie on video & stop it to predict what will happen. Learn computer programming languages, try critical-thinking activities, linear outlining, Piaget’s cognitive stretching exercises, science-fiction scenarios, logic puzzles. Article: “Your brain on numbers

TECH ideas: Excel, Numbers, Logo, create a survey with Survey Monkey
FAMOUS People: Albert Einstein, Niels Bohr, John Dewey, Stephen Hawking,
Leonhard Euler, Alan Turing (WWII computer genius)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
6. MUSICAL/RHYTHMIC (musical-smart) – think in rhythms & melodies.
This group can recognize, reflect on, create & reproduce music. It’s the capacity to discern pitch, rhythm, timbre & tone. As young adults they’re usually singing or drumming to themselves, very aware of sounds others may miss.
As we know, there’s a connection between music and emotions, & between music and math – which have shared thinking processes. Playing, singing, dancing or even listening to music can help the brain form or combine ideas in new ways.
Moving to music is beneficial, since music moves our brain waves. At Karaoke, our brain anticipates songs on the CD we’ve chosen, so that “excitatory signals pass from the prefrontal cortex to the premotor cortex, preparing the body to act”.

Playing an instrument makes us better at associative thinking, helping to choose our actions – from a variety of options – which requires accessing stored info about a great many ‘sequences’ of activities (crystalline – see Part 1), allowing us to predict possible outcomes.
Music can be used to improve work productivity or change our mood – any time. Interestingly, some rhythms trigger brain enzymes to give an amazing feeling of well-being. Other tunes leave us punchy, unable to focus. (Different types of music produce.….)
— enjoy & respond to many types of music
— like to hum or sing when on their own
— can tell if music is off-key or ‘off’ in other ways
— easily remember scores & melodies
— remembers info better if in rhyme or rhythm
— more effected by noise & sound than others
— can read music, play a variety of instruments
— use all the sense to identify musical patterns
— may study better with music in the background
— know the structure of songs (from songs to symphonies)
— can naturally figure out how to play a tune on an instrument

ENJOY: humming, listening, singing, tapping hands & feet, whistling
LEARN: by turning lessons into lyrics, speaking rhythmically.
TOOLS: musical instruments, musical scores, multimedia

CAREERS: audio recording, disc jockey, composer, conductor, musical performer, (MORE….)
INCREASE ability: attend concerts, play an instrument, hum melodies, sing to iPod or with others. Listen to a wide variety of music, be quiet and listen to all the sounds everywhere

TECH ideas: iMovie, GarageBand, Audacity, iTunes, iPod, Media Player
FAMOUS People: Beethoven, Mozart, Stevie Wonder, Joni Mitchell, Louis Armstrong, Senegalese musician Youssou N’dour, Yo-Yo Ma

NEXT: Multiple intelligences (Part 3d)