ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 2)

IF I’M NOT RIGHT,
then
who am I?

PREVIOUS: Being Right (Part 2)

SITE: Addicted to being right

QUOTE: “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”   Isaac Asimov

⬆️ IMAGE designed & assembled by DMT

 

WHAT’S WRONG With Being ‘Right’?
Unhealthy (mild): The narcissist in us (& every ACoA has one) will think or say “If I can see this so clearly, why in the world can’t you? // If I can do that task, what’s your problem? // If I love that, I assume you will too. If not, why not?!”
This attitude makes no sense at all. Even identical twins are different in some fundamental ways. One person is not automatically better or more correct than another – just different. (See “Symbiosis & ACoAs #3“)

Unhealthy (severe)
Addicted to being right (aBR)
NOTE: This character defect (cognitive distortion) applies to those adults we grew up with, AND to those of us who have copied them, as well as anyone we’re ‘stuck to’ as adults who is like that

A Closed System – The state of a person or thing being isolated from its surrounding environment.
ONE: This applies to anyone so rigid in their opinions that they can’t let in anything which differs from their own determined ‘correctness’

TWO:  2 people, a Dominant (D) & a Submissive (S) personality, who interact in an ongoing feedback loop, constantly exchanging limited, often distorted, info – characterized by coercion/compliance, co-dependence, sameness & symbiosis

Such a system discourages a feeling of concern, equality, or desire to change in the D, & disallows autonomy, questioning, rocking the boat, separateness, speaking up or taking a stand – for the S. (MORE….)

GROUPS: (family, academia, church… )
Such groups discourage change, differences, disrupting the status quo, equality, independence, objecting, questioning, or taking a stand.
They tends to promote factions, gossip, immaturity, repression, secrets & triangulation. It makes members reactive & anxious, even if this is hidden from each other. They don’t feel safe to question or disagree, for fear of disapproval, punishment or rejection. (MORE…)

🔒 At the extreme ‘right’ we find the ‘Right-ists’.

RIGHT-ists are in a world of their own, extremely self-absorbed & arrogant – which makes most others frustrated & angry when having to deal with them. To them, the accuracy or importance of whatever point they’re pushing is not as relevant as their need to be agreed with. Their rigid thinking is used in a power struggle to bring everyone else to their knees – psychologically, mentally & emotionally.

NOTE: Some right-ists camouflage their compulsion by seeming concerned for others’ well-being, sounding reasonable or just giving ‘helpful’ suggestions. But all the while they’re trying to control their environment – to make it conform to their world-view.
One hint: they consistently make suggestions, give advice & offer help – unsolicited & often unwanted by others. DO NOT be taken in by the presentation. If your own opinions & needs are often or always ignored or over-ruled – you’re dealing with a sneak-narcissist.

EXP: When ranting about anything she thinks is wrong – with a person or in the world – one woman heads off any logic, comment or disagreement from her long-suffering husband with the command: “Just say YES!”
Sadly, unhealed insecure co-dependents have a tendency to attach themselves to such narcissists, believing that being told what think & feel is a way of being taken care of (loved). NOT!

Re. SELF. THEY:
• need the world to revolve around them
• are rigid & controlling, so they don’t work well with others
• lack empathy, have no patience with others & are often snide
• experience opposing or simply different opinions as a direct threat to their sense of well-being
• can become quite aggressive in order to eliminate the threat to their (secret or unconscious) weak self-image

Re. OTHERS. THEY:
• can’t imagine that other people actually have different needs & opinions from their own (NPD = “Put a sweater on, I’m cold”)
• may push their good info from ‘good intentions’, without considering that they’re boundary invading, discrediting another’s process & being arrogant (“others NEED me”)
• alienate others without realizing it, OR of they do, they’re puzzled as
to why, & then assume it’s the other person’s fault
• regard other people’s ideas or viewpoints as inferior or worthless, often losing out on wonderful opportunities & relationships
• can end up isolated & deprived of love, affection, companionship…. unless they find a passive person who uses the ‘Right-ist’ to think for them!

NEXT: Being Right (Part 3a)

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Passive Aggressives – Review for ACoAs (Part 3)

not Pass-Agg 

WHAT A CONCEPT:
Honest doesn’t mean hostile. 
Pleasant doesn’t mean passive!

PREVIOUS: Passive-Aggressive ACoAs (Part 2)

SITEs:” Emotionally Volatile People
• “Difficult People & how to Handle Them

 

REVIEW (cont.)
3. CAUSEs of the game
ACoAs – from our family, school, religion…. we were NOT allowed :
• to be angry, to the point of not even knowing we are!
• to know what we wanted, how we felt, what we preferred (being too much of an individual got smashed – so it left us confused)
• to ask for anything (don’t bother them)
• taught to never put ourselves first
AND
• always had to always be perfect (no mistakes) – so better not choose anything
• no matter what we did, we were punished, so we couldn’t win
• safer to not be too visible (in a dangerous family, & later in abusive relationships)
taking any risk was discouraged, made fun of, punished (so now we can’t risk ‘failing’& being disappointed)

4. EFFECTs of the game
a. Negative BenefitsWE DON’T:
• have to figure out who we are, what we want & need
• have to disobey any of the toxic family rules
• have to admit we’re angry, even raging, underneath
• have to stand up to the ‘control freaks
• have to make a mistake & deal then with the consequences
• AND we get to blame others when something goes wrong
• & maintain the illusion of being nurtured (taken care of by others)

b. Negative Consequences:
• we are dis-empowered, loose self-esteem, stay a victim, are infantilized, stay mute, don’t risk anything
• always feel scared of losing people (FoA), of being disapproved
• increases our Self-Hate & Loneliness

• never get what we really want, unless by accident or by luck
• lose out on many opportunities to grow, to be heard, to have fun
• always feel scared of losing people, of being disapproved of
• make other people mad at us, a lot! for forcing them to carry all the responsibility & then getting blamed

4. HEALTHY
a. General: We need to identify
• all the ways we were hurt as kids, including the specific messages we got & still obey, like ‘don’t feel’ , ‘don’t talk’ (Toxic Rules)
• prevent the Wounded Inner Child from running our life BY growing a Healthy Adult & Loving Parent  who then can make executive decisions about how to own & express our needs
book-end with the IC, to outgrow living in the past. If done consistently, it will teach the IC the difference between what’s possible & real in the present, vs the way it was in our dysfunctional family

b. For Passive-Aggressives – we need to:
own our resenpassiveagrro3tments, anger, rage, bitterness, which are hidden
• learn safe ways of discharging our rage & healthy ways of expressing it to others, when it’s needed
• practice saying what we need, want, like, prefer – to find out that nothing bad happens to us or others
• stop looking for other people to be in charge of our lives, tell us what to do, make our decisions & choices
• keep a safe distance from anyone who is easily provoked to anger

Practice making ‘I statements’ every day, silently to yourself, so that it becomes easier & easier to say out loud:  “I want… I need… I don’t like… I’d rather…  that’s not for me… ” UNTIL it’s second nature!

c. For Volatiles – we need to:
• find out what’s under the rage: the reality of child abuse & neglect we lived thru, and the pain it created
• accept that the rage is legitimate, but our actions are not always healthyScreen Shot 2016-06-17 at 10.24.27 PM.png
• work on getting our rage out in safe, appropriate places (therapy groups, 12-step programs, doing rage-work at home, drawing, writing…)

own our Inner Sadist: make friends with it, but don’t ever let it act out
• learn calming techniques (bio-feedback, meditation, prayer, visualizations…)
• become safe enough to feel what’s underneath – grief, sadness, loneliness, hurt, sorrow, vulnerability
• keep a distance from P-As, who try to pull us in by their surface charm & ‘interest’ in us

Practice comforting & mentally holding the IC, so he/she doesn’t feel so alone with all it’s pain.  Give ourselves permission to cry – it is not a weakness – no matter what our family taught us!  Crying clears out toxins & releases pent-up emotional stress. It’s very necessary!

Realistically, while P-As can definitely work on having permission to express anger & rage, it’s usually up to the V. to STOP the game, stop reacting to / expecting (anything) from the P-A. Maybe even have to leave!

NEXT: Qs – Are you P-A?

Passive Aggressives – Review for ACoAs (Part 2)

P-A person

I’M NOT ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY
– but you are (lucky you)!

PREVIOUS: Passive-Aggressive ACoAs (#1)

SITE:When your Defenses lead you into trouble

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

REVIEW (cont)

2. WHO plays the game (Chart – slide #7)
a. P-As always look for & often find another person who is overtly angry / volatile* (V.) to play the game with – no fun being stuck with all that UN-expressed rage alone! (See: Inter-personal games, Eric Berne).  As adults, they desperately need to maintain their illusions of being perfect, in the faint hope of getting or keeping their parents’ approval, being taught that strong emotions are considered dirty, messy, dangerous – even murderous! This pattern of being P-A is another unhealthy way of copin4 stylesg with intense FoA – fear of abandonment

b. ✶ Volatiles need P-As (or their part, or the game wouldn’t work):
• it gives them an excuse for letting out some of their rage ‘legitimately’
• it’s much safer than aiming the rage at the real target – their family
• the rage makes them feel powerful, to cover vulnerability & emptiness
• Vs are used to being disappointed, too, and are equally unconsciously addicted to finding people they can act out their childhood ‘story’ with.  And P-As do continually disappoint! It’s their trade-mark, & it can be used to identify them.

Sooner or later, usually later, it is inevitable that Vs will get angry, raging, even nasty at P-As – out of legitimate, intense, longstanding frustration!
Of course: Vs have to stick around for this! They’re part of the game.

DIRTY POOL – P-As unconsciously, sometimes knowingly, always use ‘available’ Volatiles as their own personal pressure valve – as if getting the V. to explode with rage would relieve their own pent-up hostility. When Vs get angry, P-As get very self-righteous. They feel victimized & cry: “I haven’t DONE anything!  Why are you attacking me?”

SO THEY GET TO:
• accuse Vs of being controlling, even though they set the V. up:
— to take care of them emotionally & practically
— to vent their anger/rage for them
— to make all the decisions in the relationship!

• make Vs the crazy or bad one (instead of themselves), of being abusive & unfair, of reacting to ‘nothing’. That way the Vs can be ‘the monster’ for pouring out that vile stuff (anger) which P-As are terrified in themselves.
Then they can continue to feel superior & ‘clean’, keeping their ‘good boy / good girl’ status. After all, P-As can point to being easy-going, never raising their voice, or letting out that ‘nasty‘ anger – right?

BUT that’s exactly the point – they don’t DO many things that are their responsibility, as well as not expressing their needs / wants.

When P-As make other people responsible for all the decisions they should be making Screen Shot 2016-06-14 at 11.41.09 PMdo themselves, (even if they like the ones being made for them), they are neglecting to ‘show up’, hold up their end, be an equal partner or peer – ie. an adult.  P-As passively, stubbornly – yes angrily – demand to be taken care of! but never say what they actually want or need, because they don’t have permission

• THEN, if/when something goes wrong – when they don’t like the choices the V. made for them, or are disappointed with the outcome – they can blame the other person & continue to play the victim role

• AND P-As can say to the other person: “YOU’RE always making the decisions! YOU’RE so controlling!” (& unspoken: “I hate you”). Wow! How dishonest.
✶ BUT if the V. stops playing the game, the P-A may finally tip their hand – if only briefly – showing the true rage behind their mask

EXP: Mark (P-A) & Sandy (V.) meet at a classical concert & become art-loving, theater-going friends. Mark regularly says self-deprecating things that are clever & funny, & Sandy obliges by laughing.
After a few months Sandy becomes increasingly uncomfortable with her complicity in Screen Shot 2016-06-15 at 12.04.49 AMMark’s self-hate. The next time he makes a crack about himself – she doesn’t laugh & is quiet.  He gets annoyed & indirectly insults her for not responding ‘correctly’.

Later he buys her a B/day gift which deeply offends her artistic & Christian values – an ugly-made Indian goddess statue – knowing her religious background! She can’t imagine his intention – but is outraged. She instantly blows up at him & gives the gift back. Naturally he’s hurt & angry – but doesn’t show it. Instead he mails her a scathing note – making her the ‘bad one’.  End of friendship! Sandy feels ashamed for blowing up but also relieved.

NEXT: Passive-Aggressive ACoAs, (Part 3)

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 8b)

I FEEL MUCH BETTER
when I’m forgiven

PREVIOUS: Asking forgiveness #8a

SITE:16 Common excuses for NOT asking for forgiveness”
(Familiar excuses applying to anyone unwilling to be accountable, + Christian references)

 

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.

Tool 6. FORGIVEN by OTHERS (cont.)
1.
WHO (in 8a)

2. For WHAT: Here again ACoAs get things backwards: (see Part 4a)
Too much: we apologize, often too often, for things what are not ‘offenses’, only because our S-H, via the PP, says everything we do & ARE is bad/unacceptable.
EXP: Billy’s sponsee was always making ‘humorous’ fun of himself & he wasn’t even a comic. When Billy wouldn’t laugh at yet another putdown the sponsee was annoyed: ‘You don’t have a sense of humor!”. Billy’s response: “Self-hate isn’t funny!”

Too little: at the same time we hide from admitting the actual insensitive or destructive things we say & do, because of shame, guilt & FoA. Yet such negative actions make us feel bad about ourselves, so we hide even more – acting like nothing ever happened, instead of cleaning up our mess whenever possible.

a. Imagined ‘character defects’ (see Part 8a).
The alcoholics & other narcissists we grew up with forced us to gauge relationships based on what they wanted or hated – which we now project onto everyone else. We assume others will be as weak, as judgmental, as demanding, as manipulative, as needy, as controlling, as dangerous, as easily upset…. as our parents were. So we’re always looking out for emotional traps, trying to avoid other people’s disapproval & anger.

That makes us constantly worried that we have annoyed, bothered, offended, disgusted…. everyone else. But if we were to ask a person about something we said or did that we were sure they disliked/hated – they couldn’t imagine what had us so worked up – it hadn’t registered.
And if we tried to apologize for some imagined slight (based on our mind-reading ‘talent’) & they did remember the incident but barely noticed it, they might look at us quizzically or with amusement – since to them it was no big deal!

b. Real ‘character defects’ – because of damage.
Shame is at the root of all our wounds,
& asking for anything is considered shameful. So having to be humbly honest with someone we’ve hurt & then ask to be forgiven for our thoughtless or hurtful actions can be very uncomfortable, even terrifying – but only to the WIC part of us.

REMINDER – Admitting we have character flaws is NOT an indictment of our whole being. It’s not only human to be imperfect, but as ACoAs we definitely have more ‘issues’ than people raised in safer homes. All are a combination of our parents’ defects (which became our Introject), our native personality, & our response to all the abuse we suffered.

IMP: Before approaching others with your 9th Step – be very sure you will be talking to someone capable of treating you with respect. If they’re volatile or disdainful, don’t engage!

A WAY to START is to ‘lightly’ ask the person if they remember the event? that  you’re concerned about – unless you already know. Don’t make it sound dire.
1.  If they don’t remember, then drop it. If they ask why, say “I just wondered” & nothing more.😓

2. If they do recall, ask how they feel about it. Don’t put words in their mouth!
• If they say they’re OK, believe them – don’t try to mind-read their intention.
So leave it alone. Your guilt is your own – they don’t owe you absolution.

3. 😂If they express hurt, anger or disappointment, you know it’s time to apologize. Again – they don’t have to forgive!

NEXT: Passive-Aggressive Niceness – Intro-a

Re. ACRONYMS

me typing

 

 

 

Dear Readers,

Thank you for your interest in this blog & your continued support.

From time to time I have received objections to my use of acronyms & abbrev.

I would like to offer some additional thoughts:

✤ In the past 6+ years I have written & published over 680 posts! I have also written many more that are in the pipeline

✤ Each series of posts (by topic) takes many, many hours, & often weeks, to put together. With my readers always in mind, I go over each one 5-10 times to insure they are clear, logical & the best I can do. It’s inevitable that occasionally I’ll miss something, but Perfection is never a goal!

✤ For each individual post much time is spent researching relevant articles, (listed near the top of the page & throughout), as added-value to the topic. This includes noting references to info from other sourcesdoing researchscreen-shot-2017-02-07-at-5-10-52-pm

✤ I also take hours & hours to comb thru images to add flavor & clarity to each post. In many cases, when I can’t find what I want, I take yet more time to combine up to 6 images into the scene that fits the text

✤ I have rewritten many old posts when necessary, especially breaking up ones that were originally too long

✤ I recently revised all the ‘sitemap‘ lists by year (2010-2016) to group topics together that were written at very different times, which also means going thru over 500 of the posts to re-set all their pub dates, as well as all the relevant links to other posts!

✤ Sitting at the computer for hours & hours & hours to do this work is my great love, but I’m a senior (70) w/ Fibromyalgia & other physical issues, making the task quite tiring. So I try to find ways to make my life a little easier, which includes a few shortcuts

NOTE: This is not the only place you’ll find such shortcuts, used mainly with phrases that are often repeated, as in my posts.
You may have seen scientific, medical & other type of articles which use acronyms, as well as in AL-Anon (ODAT, ACA, HP….), & psychology (MBTI, NLP, MMPI….)

MY REQUEST:willingness??
Since I have put so much effort & care into this work, would you be willing to put a little extra effort in as well – to learn the acronyms?

Of course, it’s fine if this doesn’t work for you.

Thank you.

MULTIPLE Intelligences (Part 3c)

music / math 

I’M GOOD AT CALCULATING
the odds & ‘hearing’ patterns!

PREVIOUS:

 Multiple Is (Part 3b)

SITE:World needs all kinds of music
~ TED talk by Temple Grandin

NOTE: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

MULTIPLE INTELLIGENCES cont. (Howard Gardner)
5. LOGICAL-MATHEMATICAL (number/reasoning-smart) – learn by reasoning things thru.
This group has the ability to look for patterns, making connections between many & diverse pieces of information. They can then calculate & quantify that info in order to carry out complex mathematical operations, & create hypotheses or propositions. To foster creative problem solving they analyze, predict & manipulate real-world models.

They ask lots of questions, are always curious about natural events & the world around them, like to carry out studies & can handle long chains of reasoning to predict ‘local progressions’ (an increase in something). As young adults they’re drawn to arithmetic problems, strategy games & experiments. This is a less commonly seen Intelligence – since not everyone is automatically good at math, or they don’t give themselves the chance to develop their math-reasoning potential.
They:math / logic
— generate and use abstract thoughts
— try to find logical solutions to problems
— use sequential reasoning skills
— usually good with computers & lots of gadgets
— use inductive & deductive logic
— have a sense of cause & effect
— like reading about scientific discoveries
— like to solve mysteries & ask cosmic questions
— enjoy putting things in order, creating schedules
— get frustrated by disorganization
— better at budgeting, balancing the checkbook
— can reason their way into winning every argument
— are comfortable with numbers, logic, reasoning, abstractions
— will try to figure out how broken things work or untangle messes

ENJOY: calculating, experimenting, logic puzzles, questioning, science museums, things to explore and think about
LEARN: through logic games, investigations, mysteries. Need to learn & form broad concepts before dealing with details
TOOLS: pencil/paper, computers

CAREERS: accountant, computer programmer, detective, engineer, mathematician, researcher /scientist (MORE….)
INCREASE ability: get a book of logic games, knit a sweater, watch a movie on video & stop it to predict what will happen. Learn computer programming languages, try critical-thinking activities, linear outlining, Piaget’s cognitive stretching exercises, science-fiction scenarios, logic puzzles. Article: “Your brain on numbers

TECH ideas: Excel, Numbers, Logo, create a survey with Survey Monkey
FAMOUS People: Albert Einstein, Niels Bohr, John Dewey, Stephen Hawking,
Leonhard Euler, Alan Turing (WWII computer genius)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
6. MUSICAL/RHYTHMIC (musical-smart) – think in rhythms & melodies.
This group can recognize, reflect on, create & reproduce music. It’s the capacity to discern pitch, rhythm, timbre & tone. As young adults they’re usually singing or drumming to themselves, very aware of sounds others may miss.
As we know, there’s a connection between music and emotions, & between music and math – which have shared thinking processes. Playing, singing, dancing or even listening to music can help the brain form or combine ideas in new ways.
Moving to music is beneficial, since music moves our brain waves. At Karaoke, our brain anticipates songs on the CD we’ve chosen, so that “excitatory signals pass from the prefrontal cortex to the premotor cortex, preparing the body to act”.

Playing an instrument makes us better at associative thinking, helping to choose our actions – from a variety of options – which requires accessing stored info about a great many ‘sequences’ of activities (crystalline – see Part 1), allowing us to predict possible outcomes.
Music can be used to improve work productivity or change our mood – any time. Interestingly, some rhythms trigger brain enzymes to give an amazing feeling of well-being. Other tunes leave us punchy, unable to focus. (Different types of music produce.….)
They:MUSIC:Rhythm
— enjoy & respond to many types of music
— like to hum or sing when on their own
— can tell if music is off-key or ‘off’ in other ways
— easily remember scores & melodies
— remembers info better if in rhyme or rhythm
— more effected by noise & sound than others
— can read music, play a variety of instruments
— use all the sense to identify musical patterns
— may study better with music in the background
— know the structure of songs (from songs to symphonies)
— can naturally figure out how to play a tune on an instrument

ENJOY: humming, listening, singing, tapping hands & feet, whistling
LEARN: by turning lessons into lyrics, speaking rhythmically.
TOOLS: musical instruments, musical scores, multimedia

CAREERS: audio recording, disc jockey, composer, conductor, musical performer, (MORE….) http://gshsjillwilson.weebly.com/multiple-intelligences-definedcareer-chart.html
INCREASE ability: attend concerts, play an instrument, hum melodies, sing to iPod or with others. Listen to a wide variety of music, be quiet and listen to all the sounds everywhere

TECH ideas: iMovie, GarageBand, Audacity, iTunes, iPod, Media Player
FAMOUS People: Beethoven, Mozart, Stevie Wonder, Joni Mitchell, Louis Armstrong, Senegalese musician Youssou N’dour, Yo-Yo Ma

NEXT: Multiple intelligences (Part 3d)

ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 3c)

in your head  

PREVIOUS: Manipulation #3b

SITE: 8 Ways to spot Manipulators

REMINDER: See ACRONYM
page for abbrev.

 

Our Manipulative WAYS (cont.)
Foot-in-Door
You start by asking someone for a small favor they don’t mind doing, & then foot in doorwhen they’re in the middle of it, add on other things or ask for the big thing you really wanted – making it hard for them to say no

Guilting
Telling a conscientious victim that they don’t care enough, are too selfish or have it easy, keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, submissive position. OR make someone feel bad that you don’t have qualities, people or things the way they do (you’re jealous /envious), so they’ll feel sorry & volunteer to help you out

Judgmental – the (T) form of T.E.A.
— all the time about everything, a characteristic of narcissism
— occasionally, an indirect expression of abandonment terror, when triggered now by a person or situation, but don’t recognize it for what it is – a reminder of childhood neglect & abuse

Mirroring (negative)
Physically &/or verbally copying someone you want to influence, using their same body language, intonation pattern, language, preferences… makes them feel ‘seen’

Over-promising
Saying yes to anything asked of you even when you’re not interested or it doesn’t suit you, & you don’t have time anyway – just so you’ll be liked. You over-book & then forget or cancel at the last-minute

One up-One Down
a. Believe you’re better/superior – morally having more value as a person, rather than being better at certain things (not the same as having a higher IQ), in order one upto keep everyone at a distance & not acknowledge the need for connection, help, comfort….

b. Feel inferior, believing you’re worse than everyone else (weaker, dumber, less capable….)
— in order to stave off assumed inevitable abandonment, disappointment AND — to obey Family rule “I am unlovable” / “I’m too much trouble” / “Don’t have needs”….
— try to get other to meet our needs by starving ourself / deprivation indirectly by being ‘incapable’

c. Fake humility – hiding the compulsion to dominate by taking on the role of servant, helper, assistant – perhaps serving a ‘higher cause’…. while controlling things from the wings

People-Pleasing / Perfectionism
Constantly trying to be or do whatever others want, or what you think they need/want, & going above & beyond what is called for or expected. to make yourself indispensable so they’ll approve of you & never ‘go way‘ (from self-hate & fear of abandonment)

Victim
Put a burden on others to be the good parents you never had BY:
• dismissing your own ‘voice’ & not taking up enough spacevictim
• going along to get along, suffer in silence – but others can feel it
• give up what you want, to avoid conflict, but are quietly resentful
• don’t ask question, but always trying to explain or defend yourself
• talk in indirect or convoluted ways, instead of declarative statements
• being withholding, as a form of silent disapproval
• believing you have nothing worthwhile to contribute……

COMBINED Manipulation of Self & Others
Taking on the Scapegoat Role as a child (NOT the same as being scapegoated by the family) – is a child’s attempt to spare the narcissistic family its pain, by taking it on & acting it out for them – assuming its efforts will alleviate the heaviness it can feel in everyone. It’s a way for this child to deny knowing that the alcoholic, narcissistic, codependent parents & other relatives are not willing to work on themselves, not going to take responsibility for their emotions or actions.

It’s a manipulative tactic (usually unconscious) which continues into adulthood. These ACoAs will go on sacrificing their own needs, their good name, their protect familystanding in the family or community, even their very life – if it will make others in the family ‘feel better’ by not having to look at their own damage & dysfunctional behavior! By extension, the Scapegoat will do the same for anyone else they care about.

By staying in this Toxic Role they set themselves up to be a negative focus for others – at home, in school, in business, in groups…. but ignore the fact that they are actually manipulating, as a way —
— to keep playing out the only ‘field position’ they know
— to get punished for being soooo bad, according to the abusers
— to get absolution for sins they were told they committed
— to solicit sympathy & ‘help’ without being able to ask for it

On one level this Role is genuinely taken on in the name of love, but at a deeper level it’s about the fear of losing connection, the ultimate childhood terror. Unfortunately, the sacrifices go unappreciated & are never successful anyway, but only make others disrespect & dismiss the Scapegoat. So when they’re treat badly or ignored, this ACoA gets very angry at the people they’ve been trying to ‘save’.

Scapegoats only see the rejection & invisibility, left outfeel unloved, excluded, attacked – not recognizing or admitting that they —
— allow themselves to be used & toyed with by unscrupulous types
— experience any (real or imagined) slight as a direct rejection, as if others are even paying attention, or are hell-bent on hurting them
— perpetuate their childhood environment of fear, loneliness & abandonment BY not having a strong core identity based on self-esteem & self-respect.

NEXT: Manipulation #4a