OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 2)


THERE ARE MANY WAYS

to help myself ‘let go’

PREVIOUS: Outgrowing P-P #1

<—- IMAGE from : “16 Acts of Self-Care to Get You Thru 2017


See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.
To outgrow People-Pleasing (P-P) we need to stand up for ourselves in T.E.A. For that to be effective it has to come from our Adult Ego State& not as a knee-jerk reaction from the WIC. This includes knowing when to be silent or walk away, which will depend on recognizing whether a situation is hopeless or not, especially when dealing with Personality Disordered people.

Tool 2. SELF-WORTH
++ Self-esteem is fundamentally the result of unconditional love! To outgrow the need to P-P we can work at providing that for ourselves now, even tho we didn’t get is as kids. Our attention has to be internal – on who we are, what we need, what our rights are & how well we take care of ourselves

☁︎ Co-deps base a lot of their ‘value’ on how much they do for others. This is self-defeating, guaranteeing ‘failure’, because —
— it’s only about action rather than personal identity: external vs internal
— we’re selfishly using others as a prop for our WIC’s distorted self-image
— we’re dependent on the unpredictability of how others respond to us
— we can never do enough for some people, so we’ll always come up short
— we can never fix anyone else’s pain, & even if it were possible, the people we most want to ‘save’ (rescuing=false helping) are usually the most recalcitrant (absolutely UNwilling to work on themselves!)
— some people will never give us any appreciation or validation. Sadly those are the ones we chase the hardest & longest!

Self-esteem allows for INTIMACY. To be capable of intimacy we need to overcome a large chunk of our self-hate – by developing at least a working knowledge of our Rights, using good Boundaries, having a range of Emotions & a nodding acquaintance with our Inner Child, the UNIT & our True Self.

Tool 3. ASSERTIVENESS
++ Practice saying YES to the things you do want
• SUCH AS things you’ve had an interest in or passionate about since childhood, even if you never got to pursue them. Now you can pick them up, just for pleasure, or maybe to start a whole new career:
— Say yes to learning new skills that will improve your income
— Say yes to healthier friends & lovers, jobs, living space….
— Say yes to a new couch, better clothes, flowers….(when you can)
— Say yes to filling some of your down-time with ‘good, clean fun’
— Say yes to taking time out just for yourself, to recharge
➤ Say YES to one thing you’ve been wanting to do (a small tattoo, a dance class, a Spiritual retreat…..), but are afraid others won’t like it or will make fun of it. Too bad. Do it anyway!

• There are other things you can be enthused about as short-term enjoyment, something or someone you’re only into for a while (maybe even a few years) and then: You got what you wanted from the experience // or you did as much with it as you could // or you’ve gradually become disappointed in it // or you, they or it has changed, & now it doesn’t suit you anymore….  You’re done, so move on & choose new PPT
AND
++ Practice saying NO to things you don’t want
Don’t automatically say yes to everything others ask for. If something is really not okay with you, say NO. Or let people know it’s something you’re going to have to think about & then get back to them.

You don’t have to give any reason for not liking something, even if it’s temporary – and it’s OK to change your mind. Remember that “NO.” is a complete sentence.

Some people will accept your new-found voice without a fuss, but others will not. If asked “WHY don’t you want to, why can’t you, why aren’t you…..” – know your reason & state it briefly in a declarative sentence. Never start with “I feel that….., I guess……, Well, …… Sorry…..”.
You can say: “Thanks, but I’m not available, That’s not for me, Not today, I have too much on my plate, That’s not my taste, Thanks for the offer – but I like it where I am, I’m finished with that………”
(MORE ways to say NO nicely – on Pinterest)

NEXT: Outgrowing P-P #3

Co-Dep EXTERNAL Negatives – in US

screen-shot-2017-02-28-at-10-47-34-am
I WAS SO SURE BEING NICE
would get me liked. Not! 

PREVIOUS: Co-dep External damage (#1)

SITE: Childhood Trauma Recovery ARCHIVE
Co-dep in Children

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

The HIGH COST of being ‘too nice’ (cont.)

NEGATIVE RESULTS – in US

• You have unrealistic expectations of others
Since you think of yourself as well-meaning, you may automatically assume that others have the same good intentions. When they don’t reciprocate’, you think it’s about you, that they’re being mean or taking you for granted. Not meeting your (unspoken) expectations feels too disappointing, easily leading to anger & resentment.  BUT it’s either your —
— faulty thinking: that everyone is just like you (symbiosis), when they may just be taking care of their own needs – instead of yours, and/or
— 
faulty choices: sticking mainly to self-centered & abusive people who have no intention of reciprocating

EXP: ACoAs have our own version of Hansel & Gretel – You’re in the forest of daily life & run into the child-eating-ogre (‘perpetrator‘). Your WIC takes over, glued to the spot, looking up innocently, with big eyes & think: “You wouldn’t eat me, would you madam/ mister monster?” – instead of getting away as fast as possible, the way healthy people do!

You come off as tone-deafdo not tell to smile
Over-friendly people may mean well, but it can certainly be annoying, insensitive, even rude – rubbing others the wrong way  – because it’s a form of not listening.
EXP: A woman undergoing very painful medical treatments needed physical therapy. The young male receptionist in that office was a california-cheery type (but not in CA), who always beamed “It’s so good to see you!! How are you today?!!”
Walking slowly with a cane, the patient was obviously weak & in great discomfort. She was not amused by the greeting, much less uplifted. Even if his style was genuine, it truly lacked empathy, & was his need to project sunshine even tho’ it didn’t suit the situation. Being quietly gentle or even neutrally polite would have been much more soothing.

According to the School of Life, the too-nice are guilty of 3 major errors:
1. Believing you have to agree with everyone – making you a liar
2. Handing out empty compliments – making people think you’re fake
3. Being remorselessly upbeat – suggesting you can’t ‘read’ situations correctly, if at all – because you don’t have emotional intelligence (EQ)
These make it unsafe for others to reveal their truest selves when around us.

• You attract needy people
Just like ‘takers’ are your catnip, you are catnip to those even more desperate than you! Over-dramatic, clingy, controlling /demanding, whiny adult victim types will find you & try to drain you dry. They expect you to be mommy/daddy, therapist, nurse-maid, char, “butcher/ baker/candlestick maker”. And they’re manipulative, playing on your need to be needed, skilled at guilt-tripping if you don’t be-or-do what they want.
ALSO:
• You attract aggressive, demeaning treatment
Being over-friendly invites bullying from arrogant personality types, who instinctively recognize the “Kick-me” sign on your back that you don’t realize is there. They smell weakness – your insecurity, fear of loss & lack of boundaries – which energizes their sadistic need to vent their rage on others, rage toward their own weak family members who severely abandoned & disappointed them

•  You get stuck in this role
Once everyone gets used to your pattern of ‘selflessness’, it’s not only harder for you to change, but many people you know will strongly object if you do start having clear opinions & setting boundaries. It would mean they’d have to make changes too, which humans tend to resist

• You can’t do your job well
Especially as a boss, if you’re too easy & agreeable, you:
— won’t get rid of people hurting your company
— won’t stop workers, suppliers & customers from taking advantage
— can’t make company beneficial changes because it might ‘hurt’ someone
— can’t do great things that require forging your own way
(Stop being ‘nice’ at work)

• You can hurt others
Being too available for too long is so wearing that it leaves you with no time & energy for yourself or friends. If you’re dealing with needy people, whatever you give will never be enough. Without setting & holding to firm limits, & with no reciprocation or appreciation, you will eventually get fed up. Then you explode or cut them off cold turkey. This leaves the clingers confused & hurt, ‘loosing all faith in humanity’. But they just put their faith in someone who has their own ulterior motives & almost as weak boundaries as themselves.

NEXT: External negatives – in us #2

Co-Dep INTERNAL Negatives (Part 2)


I TRY & TRY, BUT

never seem to get anywhere

PREVIOUS: Co-Dep INTERNAL Negatives (Part 1)

SITE: Factors leading to Co-dep

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


INTERNAL
 High COST of angry-niceness
(cont.)

always outside

✔︎ On the Outside – for all our effort, you still have your nose pressed against the window – looking in! You’re still lonely, whether isolating or filling your social calendar to overflowing. When you relate to other from the facade of being OK but are really not, no one can truly know you

✔︎ Regretful – getting lost in the ‘Wudda-shudda-cudda” forest of self-recrimination & hopelessness, yet another way to prevent yourself from making healthy changes to improve your life

✔︎ Resentful – you don’t like this about yourself, but you’re filled with resentments. It’s the rage about what you didn’t get as a kid, & the rage NOW at not getting what you silently expect/demand from others. They’re supposed to read your mind so you don’t have to ask. And, why don’t they appreciate & reciprocate all you’ve been doing for them??  ”Why does _____ keep ignoring me? Why hasn’t she/he texted back? What did they mean by that remark??”…..

✔︎ Risk-Averse – being so dependent on others to feel OK keeps you from testing yourself to too what you’re actually capable of OR –
You can take risks in some parts of your life, proving you can do it, yet convinced you can’t try out new ways of doing or thinking – in other areas.

✔︎ Self-Sabotaging – making sure your goals & dreams never come true, staying in jobs & relationships you hate but can’t seem to extricate yourself, refusing to use the options that would help you move on.

✔︎ Sleepless (in Seattle??) – tossing & turning, worrying about what you have to do in the morning & the rest of the day – every day, about how you’re going to manage the ‘conversation’ you’re dreading (with the boss, a subordinate, a family member….), obsessing about an ‘incident’ yesterday by text or email because someone was mad at you….. NEVER ever really relaxed

✔︎ Suffering – stubbornly cling to your self-hate to (unconsciously) prove your deep loyalty to the family, so :
—  you pick people who are unhealthy, making yourself vulnerable to the same kind of neglect & abuse you got growing up, & sometimes even worse
— all the stress of suppressing your emotions + cruel self-talk + unhappy relationships = physical ailments, chronic & long-lasting

✔︎ Terrified – all the time, even if you don’t realize that’s why you’re breathing is so shallow. Scared to make a mistake or of not knowing something, of doing anything that will cause ‘them’ to leave you, or fire you, of taking a stand, of admitting your deepest emotions & sharing your pain, of honestly admitting your family’s abuse & neglect, or your own shortcomings….

✔︎ Trapped – with all the crazy, toxic people you’ve accumulated (& family you cling to), unwilling to extricate yourself because you don’t really want to see  how awful they are & how much they’re harming you, and you can’t bear the idea of ‘hurting’ them any more than they already are. BUT it’s OK to let yourself be terribly injured by them???

✔︎ Uncomfortable – in your skin, crying, being noticed in a group, with gifts or rewards, taking in praise & compliments, even the validation you say you crave

✔︎ Waiting – never having been allowed to know who you really are has insured that you can’t motivate yourself. You wait for any outside force to push you in some direction, never being sure if it’s what you want. If there’s no deadline or needy person – if it’s just you – you’re stalled!

✔︎ Wishy-washy – trouble making decisions, trouble being firm with others, sticking to your point of view: “What if it’s the wrong one? // What if they won’t like what I say? // I want o see what they’re going to do first // I’m not sure what they want me to be/see/feel… // I can’t figure out what to wear to that event, who should I be, how am I supposed to act?I don’t know what to feel about this”….

NEXT: Co-dep EXTERNAL negatives – in us #1

Co-Dependence Negatives – Intro-a

angry-niceness 

I DON’T KNOW WHY
they’re being so mean to me!

PREVIOUS: INTERNAL damage

SITE: “Too agreeable’?

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

The HIGH COST of ‘too nice’
Co-dependence is a survival strategy developed in childhood in an alcoholic or otherwise narcissistic family & community. They prevented us from developing a clear sense of our identity, so we didn’t learn how to be our own knowledgeable & loving caretaker. We may not realize we’ve taken on this ‘persona’, but a deep part of our psyche wants to please others to avoid negative reactions we’re afraid we won’t be able to bear.

Now, as physical adults – but reacting emotionally as a child – we use co-dep tactics as sneaky ways of expecting other people to fill the hole in our heart left by our unhealthy parents. Unaware of being angry & scared, & not believing inot with-itn ourselves – we constantly look to others to tell us who we are, what we should wear, read, think, feel, study, do for a living…. even to giving us permission to exist! – because any differences threatens our WIC. We end up ‘wearing’ people’s personalities – at least when we’re with them.

This makes us vulnerable to the moods of others, as if their state if mind is a reflection on us – so if they treat us well we’re OK, but if they’re cranky, critical or just gone – we blame ourselves and feel bereft!  With weak or missing boundaries we’re everybody’s puppet, jerking an uncertain way thru life

Q: What if the one basic requirement for boundaries?

ANS: Our NEEDS! Knowing what they are, having permission to own them & then implementing as many as possible. You can’t draw a line in the sand unless you know where that line is supposed to be – which is based on your True Self.

People-pleasing
As co-dependents we are people-pleaser (P-P) – who will do anything at all, no matter how humiliating & self-destructive – to keep others attached to us. Many ‘experts’ warn that being too nice will lead to a loss of self-worth – implying we had it at sometime in the past. This may be true in some cases, but not for most ACoAs. People-pleasing is rooted in & springs out of a lack of healthy core & genuine self-esteem – to start with.

As a result of this lack, co-dep P-Ps are most easily attracted to friends & mates who are controlling, who always seem to know what’s best, & happy to tell everyone. And they want to be with us because we let them be in charge all the time. If we had at least one such parent or other important caretaker – we make the unconscious connection between love & being controlled. We think that way we’re safe & don’t have to make the effort to figure out what we want.

However, no matter how battered, each of us does have an inner voice of our own that wants to be heard. So eventually, in a long-term relationship with any controller – we can get more & more anxious, resenting the other person for always getting their way. But afraid of rejection, we may start withdrawing or become passive-aggressive, instead of leaving or being more assertive. (MORE….)

Being “too nice” can backfire

a.  Others often see it as a sign of weakness & some will use it as an opportunity to take advantage of you. (More in future post)
EXP: Researchers at Notre Dame University found that men who were considered “agreeable” (easy-going, cooperative) made 18% less money overall than less agreeable ones, & ‘nice’ women made 5% less than those who were less so.  (Study)

b. If you’re ‘too nice’, wanting social harmony at any cost,
you avoid conflict as much as possible, but end up harming yourself. Hiding from your own anger, & desperately afraid of making others angry at you, you’re much less willing to stand up for yourself, or say things like: “No, I don’t want that / No, I won’t do it / No that’s not what I meant….”

This avoidance actually creates more disruption, since problems never get aired or resolved, & in some cases cause others great harm as well!
EXP: Another study discovered that ‘nice’ people were more obedient toward authority & their rules – whether good or bad. When the researchers repeated the famous Milgram Experiment, participants who scored higher on traits like “agreeableness” & “conscientious” ended up giving higher shocks of pain.

NEXT: C0-dep Negatives – Intro -b

ACoAs: OVER-Trusting (Part 2)

promise the moon WHAT’S WRONG WITH PRETENDING
everything’s just fine?

PREVIOUS: Over-trusting (Part 1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

POST: “People should treat me better, BUT I won’t let them

WHY DO WE OVER-TRUST? (both types overlap)
FoA (fear of abandonment) — we want to be & stay connected – at all costs. If we acknowledged that someone was not trustworthy we’d have to back way off or detach altogether, which we are terrified of.

Instead, we overlook:
• the most blatant & repeated mistreatment toward ourselves
• early or indirect hints people tell us about themselves about being insensitive, cheap, angry, lazy, suicidal, addicts …..
• available info about unsafe people given to us from many sources (friends, co-workers, even family) ….
EXP: Consider how each new woman who gets involved with Charlie Sheen ignores all the public exposure available about his abuse toward her predecessors, & then eventually gets battered!s-H/can't

Self-hate 
The ever-present ‘monster’ driving our obsession to have everyone like us / never think badly of us / never be angry with us, so :
— we assume everyone but us is OK, healthy, sane, reasonable – even those who continually mistreat us.  Since we don’t trust our thinking, we defer to others, believe what they tell us, assume they must know what they’re talking about – just like we had to believe our parents, no matter how limited, twisted or inaccurate their communications were

Co-dependence — a form of “Delayed Stress Syndrome” or PTSD
• we use people as substitute parents instead of being our own, so we can’t afford to notice flaws or limitations in them, no matter how glaring
• we depend copdepon the opinions & values of others too much, convinced they know things we don’t, so EVEN when we have knowledge or intuition about a person or situation – we ignore it if someone else disagrees
• we don’t have the right to object to other people’s b.s., so naturally we would never think of calling them on it
• we don’t want to, god-forbid, hurt anyone’s feeling by ‘suspecting’ them of being less than trustworthy – as they blatantly or subtly do us in!

Illusions
Our constant disappointment in our family makes us long for everyone else to make up for it, so we put people on a pedestal:
• If our parent was mentally ill, we idealize anyone who sounds ‘normal’ & functional – even tho they may be selfish or controllingidealize sickness
• If our parent was violent, we idealize anyone who seems calm, even tho they may be emotionally numb & unavailable
• If our parent was verbally cruel, we idealize people who are ‘nice’ , even tho they may be people-pleasers & therefore not totally genuine
• If our parent was absent, we idealize people who ‘want us’, even tho they may just be using us to take care of them …..

Confusion
• Our family didn’t model appropriate behavior,  seeing everything in B & W – drama, extremes, deprivation…. so we evaluate the world using the same lens. We have trouble distinguishing nuances of good vs bad behavior & don’t consider proportion – instead of looking for relationships made of 70 – 80% positives with only 20 – 30% negatives (which is reasonable), we settle for the crumbs of only 10 – 30% positives – if that – & ignore a huge pile of crap!

• When people hurt & disappoint us, especially someone we love & / or admire, we sweep it awaytend to push whatever we feel & think to the side – sweep it under the carpet & say nothing. Instead we hold in our anger & get depressed. They may or may not be in the wrong, & we may or may not be overreacting – even when they are off-center. The important point is that we need to process any rage & CDs we may have, then talk to the person about the situation, but only from our Healthy Adult.  If done correctly, we will feel much relief, whether they hear us or not!

•  And sometime we have friends, family members, co-workers & acquaintances who are basically OK, on our side, or at least neutral – whom we secretly accuse of being unsafe because:
— they’re not 100% perfect in their interactions with us
— OR their positive regard for us is too much for us to take in, so we dismiss it
— they do admire us, at a distance, but are not actually friends, so we don’t trust that they can see & appreciate us …..since they’re not ‘taking care’ of us

✶ As long as we are being run by the Wounded Inner Child, we find it very hard to separate out those who are permanently unsafe from those who are only unsafe some of the time, from those who are genuinely trustworthy.

NEXT: ACoAs – UNDER Trusting (Part 1)

Why RESIST talking to the Inner Child? (Part 5)

talking with PP
I KEEP FORGETTING                       
to let the Inner Child talk TOO! 

PREVIOUS: Why resist talking to your IC? #4

SITE: “Make Your Inner Child Your Partner

DIALOGUE or MONOLOGUE?
Bucking this huge tide of resistance (Part 3 & 4) takes courage. But since it’s a brand new way of communicating with ourselves, at first we tend to fall back the models we grew up with – being as harsh or as limited as our parents were. Sadly, when ACoAs learn about this Recovery tool, we don’t even ‘hear’ the idea of dialogue, which is a TWO-way communication. Instead:

● We only talk AT the kid, rather than back & forth, never giving it a chance to let it’s thoughts & feelings be heard just like at home! This is not a dialogue! If your friends, family, mate… only talked AT you, how would you feel?
NOTE: This one-directional form is only valid IF you’re connecting with your pre-verbal IC at the time of the particular conversation – which can happen at any time , OR if the WIC isn’t yet willing to respond, from fear & distrust.

● We only remember to talk to the kid when something has gone wrong in our life, when drowning kidwe’re in distress, but at that point we don’t know how to help the kid – if we try at all. This is a blatant form of abandonment. Do your close friends / loved ones only talk to you when there’s a problem?

AND, waiting to communicate until there’s a crisis – when we get emotionally triggered – sets us up for failure. Very often we’re too regressed, too much IN the WIC to be able to step back & help ourselves, since at that point we lose even the little Adult ego state we do have & much less activate a Loving Parent. That’s when the Negative Introject (PP) can get really loud – berating & belittling the kid

● We only focus our monologue on ACTIONS (do-ing, do-ing, do-ing! – the A of T.E.A.), rather than focusing on the child’s emotional state & needs.Validation of the child’s experience must come first, then comfort, the any corrections distorted self-deprecating thinking (CDs) required

● When the child is in pain or very angry about how they are/have been treated AND we make excuses for the other person, explaining their motivation, needs, state of being….  while completely ignoring the kid’s emotional state. This is a first-order abandonment – literally taking someone else’s side. YES, sometimes it is important to give the child another perspective, but ONLY after honoring your IC’s experience!

One-way IC talks● We tell the child “YOU have to” when the situation has little or nothing to do with the kid, when it’s really the Adult who needs to be doing something differently. The kid already thinks everything is its responsibility, so to say that it should DO / be or not DO / be certain things is both inaccurate & adding more of a burden.

● We try to placate or blatantly lie to the kid – “It’ll be OK, everything’s fine, I’m here, I’ll always take care of you”…. & then forget to talk to the child for days or weeks! How can the kid ever trust or listen to us when not only are we inconsistent & abandoning, BUT not dealing with reality? It everything really OK at the moment? Are you, the Adult, taking care of the kid – & things?……

● Our Child part is very smart & intuitive BUT takes everything literally. When you promise something, the Child believes you. When you don’t follow thru, it’s deeply disappointed – Just another ‘adult’ who can’t be trusted!think
PLEASE: think before you speak. Consider what you would like to have heard when you were little & say those kind, positive, encouraging things – about the child as a person: “You’re smart, I’m impressed by you talents, you try really hard, I’m proud of you”….. even of you don’t fully believe everything – yet. In terms of actions – things you’ll do, places you’ll take the kid…. only say what you can back up!

DIALOGUING with the Inner Child
a. Goal
● to free ourselves of as much damage as we can (no such thing as ‘complete’ recovery!)
● to uncover, nurture & express as much of our True Self as is humanly possible
● to enjoy life, based on permission to have our needs & used our natural talents

b. Helps us heal & grow by:
● gradually minimizing Self-Hate (we didn’t cause our damage)
● develop our own new Loving Parent voice
● find out what our rights are & apply them to our daily life
● woo the Inner Child part of us away from the Toxic Introject (PP), internally by constant positive Dialoguing, & externally by connecting with positive & realistic people / groups who can teach us to form a new & Supportive Introject

Suggestion: Use all your co-dependence skills – BUT only toward your Inner Child! When Flower_Beefirst start this process, don’t think of it as ‘having to take care of yourself” which is not allowed (breaking toxic rules), totally unfamiliar & very scary.
However – we already know how to “Put others’ needs before our own”, so use all your considerable experience & energy into care-taking the kid!

NEXT: Book-Ending with the IC – #1

Why RESIST talking to the Inner Child? (Part 4)

tendrils of damage THE WIC DOESN’T TRUST ME
& with good reason                          

PREVIOUS: Talking to the Inner Child -#3

POST: Negative Benefits’ of…..

SOURCES of RESISTANCE – cont.
1. & 2. = from Others & the PP (#3)

3. The WIC – at first you may be surprised to realize that the Wounded Child is not so quick to let go of the Bad Voice! You’re just starting to learn how to be a Good Parent / Healthy Adult, expecting to take over the job of Executive ego state from the Inner Child who’s been running the show your whole life. But as far as the child is concerned, you’ve never been available before, or you sounded just like ‘them’…. so why should it trust you now? And why would it want to give up it’s power to an unknown, unproven entity (the ‘new’ you)?

Some reasons:
Loyalty to our parents runs very deep, no matter how badly they treated us. The kid needs to be taken care of & it only knows the family it grew up with, & you aren’t on the radar screen – yet

● Our brain grooves are so deeply etched making the connection to the PP primal. The kid is afraid to leave the Introject because we don’t want to be on our own, we never learned how to take care of ourselves, we’re afraid of their punishment & that somehow we’ll harm them by leaving – even if it’s just in our head!bad authority

● The kid has learned that – in general – adult NO authority is safe or trustworthy. They never listened or cared about anyone but themselves – & now you’re proposing to be the new adult who knows what’s ‘better’ for it. It sounds like more of the same! Besides, why would you bother anyway?
The kid won’t believe the New Adult until we’ve proven we’re not like the original parents by earning the right to be listened to

● The adults in our childhood were childish, depressed, absent, drunk, cruel, crazy or just toooo busy to be bothered with us – most of them not actually in charge of anything! That left it all up to us, which was terrifying, but it also gave us a sense of power. It was immature, inappropriate & distorted power to be sure, but the only option many of had. We did what we could to survive & we did. Now the WIC doesn’t want to give up that power, convinced it’ll disintegrate or die if it ‘lets go’.

Double Bind: The kid thinks it’s in control when running our life <—> while it is actually being run by the bad voice! (re. Double Binds....)

● To the kid ‘Growing up’ is not a positive, even tho many of us had the fantasy as kids that when we were adults we’d : be OK, have everything we want, not suffer anymore, have our dreams come true….
At the same time the kid in us secretly believes that ‘growing up’ really means either being completely alone or becoming just like them. Neither option is desirable, so we resist letting the Loving Parent / Healthy Adult help us outgrow out past.

Double Bind: We hate many of our parents’ traits & behavior patterns, terrified of turning intopush-pull them <—> YET we slavishly follow the rules & patterns they set out for us, even more terrified of S & I-ing from them, separating from them in person or inside ourselves. Damned if we do, damned if we don’t – & damned if you say anything about it!!
Note that we have many such confusing & conflicting beliefs – all of which are incorrect.

● Letting go of the PP also means being in charge of our own life, taking risks, being responsible – which the kid can’t, won’t, isn’t allowed to….. It means being our own motivator, the opposite of co-dependence, and giving up the fantasy someone will finally come along to rescue us. The kid will fight these outcomes tooth & nail!

THINKING POSITIVELY
All these reasons can make overcoming resistance seem overwhelming, even hopeless. Not so. It’s not our fault the kid has so many fears & distorted beliefs, but it is up to us to make the corrections. The 2-handed writing helps.
Keep in mind that changing our patterns can only be done ‘one-day-at-a-time’, instead of projecting failure into our future. As we ‘grow’ & develop our Healthy Adult & good Parent every single day we can use them to re-direct the WIC to new & realistic ways of thinking.

CO-DEPENDENCE & the WIC
With co-dependence, we can either be the rescuer or the rescuee, even switching positions, depending on who we’re with. It’s an unconscious maneuver developed by our wounded child to maneuver other people into telling us who we should be & how to feel, act or think. We try to ‘please’ them with the intention of making them be ‘better’ & feel good so they’ll be able to take care of us. That way we can continue obeying a major alcoholic/ narcissistic family rule to NOT know and act from our True Self.enabler

It keeps the focus outside of ourselves & on everyone else, instead of on strengthening our Adult & providing our Inner Child’s needs. Fear of intimacy is a major part of being co-dependent, which in turn is fueled by fear of abandonment and self-hate.  Intimacy can be broken down into “into-me-see” – allowing others to get to know us at a deep & honest level. This cannot happen if the WIC is terrified, constantly self-judging, without having a Loving Parent to guide & comfort.

MORE SOURCES:
• How to Dialogue with the Inner Child
• ‘Emotional Age – Awareness & Empowerment’
•‘Reconnect with your IC’. IC Scrapbook with 10 items
• Self-Healing Portal – EFT & Inner Child Healing
• Flower Essences to help heal the IC

NEXT: Dialogue or Monologue? (Part 5)