Co-Dep INTERNAL Negatives (Part 2)


I TRY & TRY, BUT

never seem to get anywhere

PREVIOUS: Co-Dep INTERNAL Negatives (Part 1)

SITE: Factors leading to Co-dep

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


INTERNAL
 High COST of angry-niceness
(cont.)

✔︎ Regretful – getting lost in the ‘Wudda-shudda-cudda” forest of self-recrimination & hopelessness, yet another way to prevent yourself from making healthy changes to improve your life

✔︎ Resentful – you don’t like this about yourself, but you’re filled with resentments. It’s the rage about what you didn’t get as a kid, & the rage NOW at not getting what you silently expect/demand from others. They’re supposed to read your mind so you don’t have to ask. And, why don’t they appreciate & reciprocate all you’ve been doing for them??  ”Why does _____ keep ignoring me? Why hasn’t she/he texted back? What did they mean by that remark??”…..

✔︎ Risk-Averse – being so dependent on others to feel OK keeps you from testing yourself to too what you’re actually capable of OR –
You can take risks in some parts of your life, proving you can do it, yet convinced you can’t try out new ways of doing or thinking – in other areas.

✔︎ Self-Sabotaging – making sure your goals & dreams never come true, staying in jobs & relationships you hate but can’t seem to extricate yourself, refusing to use the options that would help you move on.

✔︎ Sleepless (in Seattle??) – tossing & turning, worrying about what you have to do in the morning & the rest of the day – every day, about how you’re going to manage the ‘conversation’ you’re dreading (with the boss, a subordinate, a family member….), obsessing about an ‘incident’ yesterday by text or email because someone was mad at you….. NEVER ever really relaxed

✔︎ Suffering – stubbornly cling to your self-hate to (unconsciously) prove your deep loyalty to the family, so :
—  you pick people who are unhealthy, making yourself vulnerable to the same kind of neglect & abuse you got growing up, & sometimes even worse
— all the stress of suppressing your emotions + cruel self-talk + unhappy relationships = physical ailments, chronic & long-lasting

✔︎ Terrified – all the time, even if you don’t realize that’s why you’re breathing is so shallow. Scared to make a mistake or of not knowing something, of doing anything that will cause ‘them’ to leave you, or fire you, of taking a stand, of admitting your deepest emotions & sharing your pain, of honestly admitting your family’s abuse & neglect, or your own shortcomings….

✔︎ Trapped – with all the crazy, toxic people you’ve accumulated (& family you cling to), unwilling to extricate yourself because you don’t really want to see  how awful they are & how much they’re harming you, and you can’t bear the idea of ‘hurting’ them any more than they already are. BUT it’s OK to let yourself be terribly injured by them???

✔︎ Uncomfortable – in your skin, crying, being noticed in a group, with gifts or rewards, taking in praise & compliments, even the validation you say you crave

✔︎ Waiting – never having been allowed to know who you really are has insured that you can’t motivate yourself. You wait for any outside force to push you in some direction, never being sure if it’s what you want. If there’s no deadline or needy person – if it’s just you – you’re stalled!

✔︎ Wishy-washy – trouble making decisions, trouble being firm with others, sticking to your point of view: “What if it’s the wrong one? // What if they won’t like what I say? // I want o see what they’re going to do first // I’m not sure what they want me to be/see/feel… // I can’t figure out what to wear to that event, who should I be, how am I supposed to act?I don’t know what to feel about this”….

NEXT: Co-dep EXTERNAL negatives – in us #1

Co-Dependence Negatives – Intro-a

angry-niceness 

I DON’T KNOW WHY
they’re being so mean to me!

PREVIOUS: INTERNAL damage

SITE: “Too agreeable’?

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

The HIGH COST of ‘too nice’
Co-dependence is a survival strategy developed in childhood in an alcoholic or otherwise narcissistic family & community. They prevented us from developing a clear sense of our identity, so we didn’t learn how to be our own knowledgeable & loving caretaker. We may not realize we’ve taken on this ‘persona’, but a deep part of our psyche wants to please others to avoid negative reactions we’re afraid we won’t be able to bear.

Now, as physical adults – but reacting emotionally as a child – we use co-dep tactics as sneaky ways of expecting other people to fill the hole in our heart left by our unhealthy parents. Unaware of being angry & scared, & not believing inot with-itn ourselves – we constantly look to others to tell us who we are, what we should wear, read, think, feel, study, do for a living…. even to giving us permission to exist! – because any differences threatens our WIC. We end up ‘wearing’ people’s personalities – at least when we’re with them.

This makes us vulnerable to the moods of others, as if their state if mind is a reflection on us – so if they treat us well we’re OK, but if they’re cranky, critical or just gone – we blame ourselves and feel bereft!  With weak or missing boundaries we’re everybody’s puppet, jerking an uncertain way thru life

Q: What if the one basic requirement for boundaries?

ANS: Our NEEDS! Knowing what they are, having permission to own them & then implementing as many as possible. You can’t draw a line in the sand unless you know where that line is supposed to be – which is based on your True Self.

People-pleasing
As co-dependents we are people-pleaser (P-P) – who will do anything at all, no matter how humiliating & self-destructive – to keep others attached to us. Many ‘experts’ warn that being too nice will lead to a loss of self-worth – implying we had it at sometime in the past. This may be true in some cases, but not for most ACoAs. People-pleasing is rooted in & springs out of a lack of healthy core & genuine self-esteem – to start with.

As a result of this lack, co-dep P-Ps are most easily attracted to friends & mates who are controlling, who always seem to know what’s best, & happy to tell everyone. And they want to be with us because we let them be in charge all the time. If we had at least one such parent or other important caretaker – we make the unconscious connection between love & being controlled. We think that way we’re safe & don’t have to make the effort to figure out what we want.

However, no matter how battered, each of us does have an inner voice of our own that wants to be heard. So eventually, in a long-term relationship with any controller – we can get more & more anxious, resenting the other person for always getting their way. But afraid of rejection, we may start withdrawing or become passive-aggressive, instead of leaving or being more assertive. (MORE….)

Being “too nice” can backfire

a.  Others often see it as a sign of weakness & some will use it as an opportunity to take advantage of you. (More in future post)
EXP: Researchers at Notre Dame University found that men who were considered “agreeable” (easy-going, cooperative) made 18% less money overall than less agreeable ones, & ‘nice’ women made 5% less than those who were less so.  (Study)

b. If you’re ‘too nice’, wanting social harmony at any cost,
you avoid conflict as much as possible, but end up harming yourself. Hiding from your own anger, & desperately afraid of making others angry at you, you’re much less willing to stand up for yourself, or say things like: “No, I don’t want that / No, I won’t do it / No that’s not what I meant….”

This avoidance actually creates more disruption, since problems never get aired or resolved, & in some cases cause others great harm as well!
EXP: Another study discovered that ‘nice’ people were more obedient toward authority & their rules – whether good or bad. When the researchers repeated the famous Milgram Experiment, participants who scored higher on traits like “agreeableness” & “conscientious” ended up giving higher shocks of pain.

NEXT: C0-dep Negatives – Intro -b

ACoAs: OVER-Trusting (Part 2)

promise the moon 

WHAT’S WRONG WITH PRETENDING
everything’s just fine?

PREVIOUS: Over-trusting (Part 1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

POST: “People should treat me better, BUT I won’t let them


WHY DO WE OVER-TRUST?
(both types overlap)
FoA (fear of abandonment) — we want to be & stay connected – at all costs. If we acknowledged that someone was not trustworthy we’d have to back way off or detach altogether, which we are terrified of.

Instead, we overlook:
• the most blatant & repeated mistreatment toward ourselves
• early or indirect hints people tell us about themselves about being insensitive, cheap, angry, lazy, suicidal, addicts …..
• available info about unsafe people given to us from many sources (friends, co-workers, even family) ….
EXP: Consider how each new woman who gets involved with Charlie Sheen ignores all the public exposure available about his abuse toward her predecessors, & then eventually gets battered!s-H/can't

Self-hate 
The ever-present ‘monster’ driving our obsession to have everyone like us / never think badly of us / never be angry with us, so :
— we assume everyone but us is OK, healthy, sane, reasonable – even those who continually mistreat us.  Since we don’t trust our thinking, we defer to others, believe what they tell us, assume they must know what they’re talking about – just like we had to believe our parents, no matter how limited, twisted or inaccurate their communications were

Co-dependence — a form of “Delayed Stress Syndrome” or PTSD
• we use people as substitute parents instead of being our own, so we can’t afford to notice flaws or limitations in them, no matter how glaring
• we depend copdepon the opinions & values of others too much, convinced they know things we don’t, so EVEN when we have knowledge or intuition about a person or situation – we ignore it if someone else disagrees
• we don’t have the right to object to other people’s b.s., so naturally we would never think of calling them on it
• we don’t want to, god-forbid, hurt anyone’s feeling by ‘suspecting’ them of being less than trustworthy – as they blatantly or subtly do us in!

Illusions
Our constant disappointment in our family makes us long for everyone else to make up for it, so we put people on a pedestal:
• If our parent was mentally ill, we idealize anyone who sounds ‘normal’ & functional – even tho they may be selfish or controllingidealize sickness
• If our parent was violent, we idealize anyone who seems calm, even tho they may be emotionally numb & unavailable
• If our parent was verbally cruel, we idealize people who are ‘nice’ , even tho they may be people-pleasers & therefore not totally genuine
• If our parent was absent, we idealize people who ‘want us’, even tho they may just be using us to take care of them …..

Confusion
• Our family didn’t model appropriate behavior,  seeing everything in B & W – drama, extremes, deprivation…. so we evaluate the world using the same lens. We have trouble distinguishing nuances of good vs bad behavior & don’t consider proportion – instead of looking for relationships made of 70 – 80% positives with only 20 – 30% negatives (which is reasonable), we settle for the crumbs of only 10 – 30% positives – if that – & ignore a huge pile of crap!

• When people hurt & disappoint us, especially someone we love & / or admire, we sweep it awaytend to push whatever we feel & think to the side – sweep it under the carpet & say nothing. Instead we hold in our anger & get depressed. They may or may not be in the wrong, & we may or may not be overreacting – even when they are off-center. The important point is that we need to process any rage & CDs we may have, then talk to the person about the situation, but only from our Healthy Adult.  If done correctly, we will feel much relief, whether they hear us or not!

•  And sometime we have friends, family members, co-workers & acquaintances who are basically OK, on our side, or at least neutral – whom we secretly accuse of being unsafe because:
— they’re not 100% perfect in their interactions with us
— OR their positive regard for us is too much for us to take in, so we dismiss it
— they do admire us, at a distance, but are not actually friends, so we don’t trust that they can see & appreciate us …..since they’re not ‘taking care’ of us

✶ As long as we are being run by the Wounded Inner Child, we find it very hard to separate out those who are permanently unsafe from those who are only unsafe some of the time, from those who are genuinely trustworthy.

NEXT: ACoAs – UNDER Trusting (Part 1)

Why RESIST talking to the Inner Child? (Part 5)

talking with PP
I KEEP FORGETTING                       
to let the Inner Child talk TOO! 

PREVIOUS: Why resist talking to your IC? #4

SITE: “Make Your Inner Child Your Partner

DIALOGUE or MONOLOGUE?
Bucking this huge tide of resistance (Part 3 & 4) takes courage. But since it’s a brand new way of communicating with ourselves, at first we tend to fall back the models we grew up with – being as harsh or as limited as our parents were. Sadly, when ACoAs learn about this Recovery tool, we don’t even ‘hear’ the idea of dialogue, which is a TWO-way communication. Instead:

● We only talk AT the kid, rather than back & forth, never giving it a chance to let it’s thoughts & feelings be heard just like at home! This is not a dialogue! If your friends, family, mate… only talked AT you, how would you feel?
NOTE: This one-directional form is only valid IF you’re connecting with your pre-verbal IC at the time of the particular conversation – which can happen at any time , OR if the WIC isn’t yet willing to respond, from fear & distrust.

● We only remember to talk to the kid when something has gone wrong in our life, when drowning kidwe’re in distress, but at that point we don’t know how to help the kid – if we try at all. This is a blatant form of abandonment. Do your close friends / loved ones only talk to you when there’s a problem?

AND, waiting to communicate until there’s a crisis – when we get emotionally triggered – sets us up for failure. Very often we’re too regressed, too much IN the WIC to be able to step back & help ourselves, since at that point we lose even the little Adult ego state we do have & much less activate a Loving Parent. That’s when the Negative Introject (PP) can get really loud – berating & belittling the kid

● We only focus our monologue on ACTIONS (do-ing, do-ing, do-ing! – the A of T.E.A.), rather than focusing on the child’s emotional state & needs.Validation of the child’s experience must come first, then comfort, the any corrections distorted self-deprecating thinking (CDs) required

● When the child is in pain or very angry about how they are/have been treated AND we make excuses for the other person, explaining their motivation, needs, state of being….  while completely ignoring the kid’s emotional state. This is a first-order abandonment – literally taking someone else’s side. YES, sometimes it is important to give the child another perspective, but ONLY after honoring your IC’s experience!

One-way IC talks● We tell the child “YOU have to” when the situation has little or nothing to do with the kid, when it’s really the Adult who needs to be doing something differently. The kid already thinks everything is its responsibility, so to say that it should DO / be or not DO / be certain things is both inaccurate & adding more of a burden.

● We try to placate or blatantly lie to the kid – “It’ll be OK, everything’s fine, I’m here, I’ll always take care of you”…. & then forget to talk to the child for days or weeks! How can the kid ever trust or listen to us when not only are we inconsistent & abandoning, BUT not dealing with reality? It everything really OK at the moment? Are you, the Adult, taking care of the kid – & things?……

● Our Child part is very smart & intuitive BUT takes everything literally. When you promise something, the Child believes you. When you don’t follow thru, it’s deeply disappointed – Just another ‘adult’ who can’t be trusted!think
PLEASE: think before you speak. Consider what you would like to have heard when you were little & say those kind, positive, encouraging things – about the child as a person: “You’re smart, I’m impressed by you talents, you try really hard, I’m proud of you”….. even of you don’t fully believe everything – yet. In terms of actions – things you’ll do, places you’ll take the kid…. only say what you can back up!

DIALOGUING with the Inner Child
a. Goal
● to free ourselves of as much damage as we can (no such thing as ‘complete’ recovery!)
● to uncover, nurture & express as much of our True Self as is humanly possible
● to enjoy life, based on permission to have our needs & used our natural talents

b. Helps us heal & grow by:
● gradually minimizing Self-Hate (we didn’t cause our damage)
● develop our own new Loving Parent voice
● find out what our rights are & apply them to our daily life
● woo the Inner Child part of us away from the Toxic Introject (PP), internally by constant positive Dialoguing, & externally by connecting with positive & realistic people / groups who can teach us to form a new & Supportive Introject

Suggestion: Use all your co-dependence skills – BUT only toward your Inner Child! When Flower_Beefirst start this process, don’t think of it as ‘having to take care of yourself” which is not allowed (breaking toxic rules), totally unfamiliar & very scary.
However – we already know how to “Put others’ needs before our own”, so use all your considerable experience & energy into care-taking the kid!

NEXT: Book-Ending with the IC – #1

Why RESIST talking to the Inner Child? (Part 4)

tendrils of damage THE WIC DOESN’T TRUST ME
& with good reason                          

PREVIOUS: Talking to the Inner Child -#3

POST: Negative Benefits’ of…..

SOURCES of RESISTANCE – cont.
1. & 2. = from Others & the PP (#3)

3. The WIC – at first you may be surprised to realize that the Wounded Child is not so quick to let go of the Bad Voice! You’re just starting to learn how to be a Good Parent / Healthy Adult, expecting to take over the job of Executive ego state from the Inner Child who’s been running the show your whole life. But as far as the child is concerned, you’ve never been available before, or you sounded just like ‘them’…. so why should it trust you now? And why would it want to give up it’s power to an unknown, unproven entity (the ‘new’ you)?

Some reasons:
Loyalty to our parents runs very deep, no matter how badly they treated us. The kid needs to be taken care of & it only knows the family it grew up with, & you aren’t on the radar screen – yet

● Our brain grooves are so deeply etched making the connection to the PP primal. The kid is afraid to leave the Introject because we don’t want to be on our own, we never learned how to take care of ourselves, we’re afraid of their punishment & that somehow we’ll harm them by leaving – even if it’s just in our head!bad authority

● The kid has learned that – in general – adult NO authority is safe or trustworthy. They never listened or cared about anyone but themselves – & now you’re proposing to be the new adult who knows what’s ‘better’ for it. It sounds like more of the same! Besides, why would you bother anyway?
The kid won’t believe the New Adult until we’ve proven we’re not like the original parents by earning the right to be listened to

● The adults in our childhood were childish, depressed, absent, drunk, cruel, crazy or just toooo busy to be bothered with us – most of them not actually in charge of anything! That left it all up to us, which was terrifying, but it also gave us a sense of power. It was immature, inappropriate & distorted power to be sure, but the only option many of had. We did what we could to survive & we did. Now the WIC doesn’t want to give up that power, convinced it’ll disintegrate or die if it ‘lets go’.

Double Bind: The kid thinks it’s in control when running our life <—> while it is actually being run by the bad voice! (re. Double Binds....)

● To the kid ‘Growing up’ is not a positive, even tho many of us had the fantasy as kids that when we were adults we’d : be OK, have everything we want, not suffer anymore, have our dreams come true….
At the same time the kid in us secretly believes that ‘growing up’ really means either being completely alone or becoming just like them. Neither option is desirable, so we resist letting the Loving Parent / Healthy Adult help us outgrow out past.

Double Bind: We hate many of our parents’ traits & behavior patterns, terrified of turning intopush-pull them <—> YET we slavishly follow the rules & patterns they set out for us, even more terrified of S & I-ing from them, separating from them in person or inside ourselves. Damned if we do, damned if we don’t – & damned if you say anything about it!!
Note that we have many such confusing & conflicting beliefs – all of which are incorrect.

● Letting go of the PP also means being in charge of our own life, taking risks, being responsible – which the kid can’t, won’t, isn’t allowed to….. It means being our own motivator, the opposite of co-dependence, and giving up the fantasy someone will finally come along to rescue us. The kid will fight these outcomes tooth & nail!

THINKING POSITIVELY
All these reasons can make overcoming resistance seem overwhelming, even hopeless. Not so. It’s not our fault the kid has so many fears & distorted beliefs, but it is up to us to make the corrections. The 2-handed writing helps.
Keep in mind that changing our patterns can only be done ‘one-day-at-a-time’, instead of projecting failure into our future. As we ‘grow’ & develop our Healthy Adult & good Parent every single day we can use them to re-direct the WIC to new & realistic ways of thinking.

CO-DEPENDENCE & the WIC
With co-dependence, we can either be the rescuer or the rescuee, even switching positions, depending on who we’re with. It’s an unconscious maneuver developed by our wounded child to maneuver other people into telling us who we should be & how to feel, act or think. We try to ‘please’ them with the intention of making them be ‘better’ & feel good so they’ll be able to take care of us. That way we can continue obeying a major alcoholic/ narcissistic family rule to NOT know and act from our True Self.enabler

It keeps the focus outside of ourselves & on everyone else, instead of on strengthening our Adult & providing our Inner Child’s needs. Fear of intimacy is a major part of being co-dependent, which in turn is fueled by fear of abandonment and self-hate.  Intimacy can be broken down into “into-me-see” – allowing others to get to know us at a deep & honest level. This cannot happen if the WIC is terrified, constantly self-judging, without having a Loving Parent to guide & comfort.

MORE SOURCES:
• How to Dialogue with the Inner Child
• ‘Emotional Age – Awareness & Empowerment’
•‘Reconnect with your IC’. IC Scrapbook with 10 items
• Self-Healing Portal – EFT & Inner Child Healing
• Flower Essences to help heal the IC

NEXT: Dialogue or Monologue? (Part 5)

ACoAs & Emotional Immaturity (Part 1)

about ME 

WHAT DO YOU MEAN –
everything’s not about ME?

PREVIOUS: Accessing Es #2

REMINDER: ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

Fundamentally, most people are being run by a combination of their bad parent & the WIC. This of course applies to all unhealed ACoAs & addicts, whether in Recovery or not, before doing deep FoO work. How these 2 ego states are expressed is determined by the specific environment (family & culture) each of us grew up in, in combination with our inborn nature.

Much of this blog is about the ways ACoAs express this immaturity.
● For some of us this lack of psychological & emotional under-development is noticeable to onlookers. Not having much to show for ourselves, we live in deprivation of various kinds (work, living space, grooming, education, health…), like 12 yr old orphans on the street!
• But even for those of us who are highly accomplished, not having healthy Self-esteem & an integrated True Self means being emotionally immature. This truth is hard for such people to acknowledge – after all, who’d want to admit they’re still ‘functioning’ from a childish place?

• And age is not the main criterion for being mature or not. Many people live their whole lives as emotional babies, which is not always obvious on the surface. Of course, children ARE naturally immature, but we ACoAs, as kids, were expected to be little grownups so they wouldn’t have to be loving & responsible parents. Most of our role models were wounded kids themselves, so we never had a chance to learn genuine maturity from our family, as we progressed thru the normal developmental stages. SOME of our immaturity CHARACTERISTICS:

1. STUCK in DAMAGE
• staying loyal to their Toxic Family System by ‘feeding’ our S-H, obeying Toxic Rules, acting from the Toxic Roles, using people / places / things as addictionsstuck in mud
• trapped in our ‘story’ – still using unproductive patterns of thinking and behaving developed in childhood (repetition compulsion)
• our sense of identity coming from the WIC (False Self)
• tend to act out the anxiety in our family or relationship, generating blame, guilt & physical symptoms (body pain, immune system illness…)
PS: This does not include the years it takes to outgrow our damage – as long as we’re in the process & progressing, no matter how slowly

2. SELF-CENTERED
The most basic trait of an emotional immature person. Never equate arrogance with self-esteem. All expressions of S-H are forms of self-centeredness. Signs of immaturity:
• being preoccupied with our own ideas and feelings, even when hidden by rescuing, hi-achieving, people-pleasing… can result in social anxiety, from thinking everyone is going to judge, criticize & dislike us
• take everything personally, interpret discussions about issues through a filter that makes everything about us, trouble separating issues & situations from our ego or personal reactions to the topicme. me. me
• being overly sensitive, but mainly for things done to us – real or projected, rather than caring about the effect we have on others because of the things we do (but not as co-dependence)
• actions indicate little regard for the needs & point of view of others (really), but we also have only slight regard for ourselves (hidden S-H)
• talk more than listen, steering all conversations back to us. Don’t take the time to be understanding, compassionate and empathetic,
ALTERNATED with being lost in thought or consumed with our own views, worries, and the outcome of our troubles (obsessions)

3. OVERLY DEPENDENT
Some symptoms are: Fear of abandonment (FoA), co-dependence & people-pleasing, (perhaps also extreme conservatism)starving child
● acting as the Victim: always complaining or whining about something, or apathetic & numbed out. Focused on self-pity, waiting to be taken care of
insecure, defensive, make snap judgments – covered up either by being totally self-effacing or puffing ourselves up all the time
● chronically expect some other person, place or thing to make life worth while (which becomes a burden to others), needing someone around all the time

● prone to intense attachments or enmeshments (symbiosis), continually dependent on someone else, when a reasonable amount of self-reliance should be present as an adult. This does not apply to temporary dependency caused by present-day trauma or major illness
indecisive – not able to make simple choices or decisions and keep to them, from being too easily influenced, bullied or manipulated by others
● get angry when a significant other (as parent-substitute) expresses their own needs & wants, when different from our own2 cats
● need to please everyone, in exchange for safety & gratification doing ‘nice’ things for their own advantage, so are rarely emotionally honest
invest ourselves in any belief system or person who reinforces our own opinions (actually those of the WIC & PP), OR who promises rescue, salvation, status, or privilege

NEXT: Immaturity (Part 2a)

ACoAs Getting Controlled (Part 2)

door mat 

I FOLLOW ALL THE RULES
why am I still being walked on?

PREVIOUS: Being Controlled (Part 1)

READING: Dealing with Manipulative people – from “In Sheep’s Clothing”


The PROGRAMMING to be controlled is MAINTAINED BY
:
1. Toxic Family RULES
• “Don’t think for yourself” , “You’re stupid & will never amount to anything”…. which taught us to believe that others are more qualified to tell us what to do & how to be
• “If you don’t like it you have to stay”, “You’re always supposed to suffer”….  insures that we do not have permission to object or leave

• “You can never be comforted when in pain” , “Joy, contentment & peace are not an option for you”… keeps us from finding & staying in comfortable, nourishing relationships or environments
• “Other people’s needs & feelings are always more important than yours” , “I have no rights” …. makes us afraid to say what we do or don’t want / will tolerate – lest we hurt someone’s feelings or make them angry at us

• “Do as I say, not as I do” , “Children should be seen & not heard”… trained us to obey authority, no matter how stupid or cruel
• “Be loyal to the family, even if they’re crazy, hurtful, neglectful or sadistic” , “Never, ever hold anyone else accountable for their bad behavior” (especially ‘authority’)… insures that we cling to anyone who treats us as badly as our family, because no one else would want usself-demons

• “You deserve to be punished severely for bad things that others do to you (because it’s your fault)” allows the controller to reinforce our victim status & keeps us from questioning the validity of their behavior
• And of course – our Self-Hate (our WIC’s extension of the PP) tells us we’re not worthy of consideration in any way, even when we don’t like how we’re being treated – SO “Don’t Talk, Don’t Feel, Don’t Think” about the abusive nature of being controlled!

2. ADULT EXPERIENCES
We let others control us as long as we do not develop a strong Healthy Adult /Parent UNIT to be responsible for leading our Inner Tribe, leaving the job to the WIC & PP. We give in to others because of:
Abandonment (FoA) – afraid someone is going to leave us (a lover) or take something important away (a job), we act the Victim, trying to twist ourselves into whatever is demanded of us
Blanking out – ‘leaving our body‘, which shuts our mind off temporarily & makes us not present at all, so we can’t think or talk – allowing others to push their way into our thoughts & actions, & take over

Co-Dependence – we’re looking for others to tell us who we are, to know how to earn their love by trying to be what we think they want
Hopelessness – ‘learned helplessness’ is the outcome of trauma, so we learned to not even try, even when circumstances are more in our favor
Ignorance: not knowing what words to actually say to protect & defend ourselves, or push someone away when appropriate
Immaturity – we think when others control us it’s an expression of their love, & we don’t want to be in charge of our own lifealone

Loneliness – that desperate inner emptiness which is actually a left-over from childhood, and in the present is the result of not having a Loving Parent to be nurturing, which would heal the WIC
Naiveté – not realizing (or not wanting to know) how selfish, narcissistic & unscrupulous some people are, wanting to believe everyone has good intentions or is just doing their best!
Narcissism (ours) – whereby we thoroughly believe that everything others do, say, think or feel – is about us. Very little is!

Perfectionism – we try to be all things to all people to make up for feeling unloved as a child, and to guarantee everyone’s approval
Sensitivity – we are highly attuned to other people’s emotional distress, which we not only absorb (when we don’t have good Bs) but then try to fix, instead of healing our own
S-H – a sense of unworthiness so deep that we’ll let anyone do anything they want to us
Unable – thinking we don’t know how or can’t do anything, so let others tells us what to do

3. General NEGATIVE STATE
a. Experiencing Bondage / losing independence
Accept unwanted situations, be tied down against our will, addicted & enslaves, submit to another, be obsess, be controlled

b. Focusing on the Material / only aware of the physical
Caught up in appearances, getting & spending, over-indulge the senses, forget the spiritual

c. Staying in Ignorance / being unawarehopeless
Operate within a narrow range, choose to stay in the dark, be taken in by appearances, experience limitations, fear the unknown

d. Feeling Hopeless / lacking faith
Believe the worst, see the ‘cold world’, think negatively, despair, doubt, foresee a bleak future  (More…..)

NEXT: Getting Controlled (Part 3)