OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 7b)

I WANT TO IMPROVE
as many relationships 
as possible

PREVIOUS: Outgrow co-dep (#5b)

SITEs: Forgive Yourself to Heal   an abuse survivor’s journey
Healthy way to forgive yourself (and its dark side)


RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS)
cont.

Tool 5c. FORGIVING Ourselves as ADULTS (cont.)

SELF-FORGIVENESS is letting go of guilt & shame, which takes persistent time & effort, and in never complete. Letting go means accepting that we can’t change our past, but can learn from it.
At its heart, Acceptance is seeing everything as it really is, no matter how unpleasant, rather than what we want it to be. Acceptance eliminates illusions & CDs, & so makes letting go possible.

++ Accept that we are wounded – not defective. Letting go means stopping the cruel inner rant – a choice we can implement every day. Given the very hard times we’ve been thru, it means that we need to be extra kind to ourselves. (Purpose of healthy parental mirroring – when they’re kinder to everyone but their own children)

++Accept Al-Anon’s 3 As: “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it.” We can then let go of self-recrimination for anythingbecause it’s not the same as taking responsibility (scroll down) – which is acknowledging something about ourselves without adding “…..and therefore I’m bad.”  Now we can correct distorted thinking, & stop blaming or attacking ourselves for what may or may not be inadequacies & deficiencies

 ++ Accept our human limitations, which will allow us to let go of judging ourselves so harshly —
• for having depression & the need for medication
• for not knowing things everyone else seems to be ‘in on’
• for not being perfect // not knowing everything // making mistakes
• for being so scared inside // being controlling // nit-picking
• for procrastinating or never finishing anything…. all opposites of RIGHTS list

++ Accept that every child is programmed to follow their upbringing.  If it was alcoholic, dangerous, neglectful…. we drowned in too many rigid, harmful laws – or were completely left to our own devices. Now we can slowly form a new set of rules, loving & flexible – which will eliminate much of the need for fake niceness, so we’re free to be genuinely kind  (“ACoAs – Healthy Rules“)

++ Accept that along the way we’ll have to deal with the guilt that churns in our gut whenever we disobey any Toxic Family Rule, but it doesn’t last.
This is ‘good guilt’ because it signals that we’re doing something healthy for ourselves, by going against all our crazy training.

LETTING GO means:
• facing & dealing with our anger at our family, as well as all of our other T.E.As.
• releasing any & all accusations or blame of God / the Divine for painful experiences caused by humans
• being kind to ourselves, no matter what, & staying present for whatever Es come up
• accepting all our emotions, without reservation or judgment
• remembering, without S-H, painful & embarrassing situations we put ourselves in because of our anxiety, FoA & dissociation (out-to-lunchness)
• forgiving the things we didn’t do, which caused us or others harm.

EXP: In her 20’s Jenny had a little grey cat she loved a lot. As Greyling was getting older, he was getting thinner, but Jenny was too busy studying & writing papers for her college classes to pay much attention.

• One night Greyling flopped over on the bed, not able to stand. Jenny was worried, but just thought he was old. The next day she saw he was very weak – not moving, not eating – so she finally took him to the vet. The vet took one look at the little cat & turned angrily to Jenny.”You let this cat deteriorate to the point that he’s so dehydrated he had a stroke! There’s nothing I can do – he needs to be put down”.

• Jenny was devastated at the loss, & deeply ashamed of her neglect. She had caused this sweet creature severe suffering because of her obliviousness. Working it thru in therapy & ACoA meetings, she understood that ignoring the signs of illness in Greyling came from her grammar school time. She spent many years seeing her father in terrible pain from a long illness, often lying in a dark room but never complaining, while mother kept telling her to be very quiet & not bother him.
Jenny loved her dad & hurt deeply for him, but was totally helpless. To protect against her overwhelming frustration & powerlessness, she became numb to physical suffering.

• Accepting the connection between past & present, & continued to grieve Greyling, Jenny sincerely forgave herself for her inaction, without S-H, knowing where it came from. Even years later she sometimes feels sad for her dad & the cat, but has made sure to not make that mistake again.

NEXT: BEING Forgiven (#4e)

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 6b)


TO BE or NOT TO BE

willing to forgive myself –
that is the question!

PREVIOUS“: Outgrowing P-P #4a

SITE: 12 Ways to Accept Yourself

 

 

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome”cont.

Tool 6Healing our CHILDHOOD T.E.A. (cont.)
As we outgrow P-P we can clean out the underlying issue that permeates every part of our life: our Self-Hate, which is blaming ourselves for not getting our needs met. It’s anger/rage at our family turned in on ourselves

Reminder : Healthy, compassionate families, teachers & other leaders guide children with clarity, kindness, patience & humor. They set good examples, teach boundaries & realistic limits, explain the way people & things work, & help each child develop their Natural Self. (Healthy Parenting

That was not our experience. All our childhood emotions, words & actions which were called “too sensitive, disobedient, difficult, selfish, lazy, stupid …..” do not need to be forgiven. Instead, we can look back with sorrow & compassion for what we endured!

SO: Rather than struggling with the idea of having to forgive our youthful acting-out and normal child-reactions, we can benefit the most from Acceptance.  
As we clear out more S-H, we start to outgrow P-P automatically.

+ + Accept reality: We can let go of the – usually unconscious – twisted belief we may still have, that we’re hopelessly bone-deep failures because we originally:
• failed to be the kind of child who was good enough to have elicited love & approval from our parents
• failed to soothe & heal our parents’ many wounds
• failed to stop them from hurting us, each other & our siblings

++ Accept our child’s narcissism as normal, which made us think we had the power to do any of those things. Not! We can understand why we had those misguided ideas, & correct our thinking (the CDs) now, to stop blaming & attacking ourselves for what we believe are inadequacies & deficiencies

++ Accept that the mirroring we got as kids came from cracked mirrors – forcing us to see ourselves thru controlling, cruel, drunk, insensitive, neglectful, raging eyes! What we came to think of as our Self was mainly their sickness projected on to us – which became our Negative Introject. This psychological process – helpful or harmful – happens to every child & is not ‘forgiveness material’.  (Parental Mirroring provides child….)

++. Accept & stop judging ourselves absolutely, totally –  for:
— not being perfect // not knowing everything // making mistakes
— being so scared inside // being controlling // nit-picking
— having depression & the need for medication
— procrastinating or never finishing anything…  basically every opposite of the RIGHTS list

++ Accept that at first we’re going to feel guilt churning in our gut whenever we disobey a Toxic Family Rule, but we will slowly outgrow it.  This is ‘good guilt’ – in the short-term – because it signals doing something healthy for ourselves which goes against all our original crazy training.

The Tibetans have no word for ‘guilty.’ The closest is “Intelligent regret that decides to do things differently.”

++ Accept ourselves as valuable Children of God / HP / the Universe, which helps to stop the cruel inner rant (the WIC or PP) – a choice we can implement every day.
The benefits of self-acceptance are worth the great struggle of having to let go – of releasing the rage at ourselves & our abusers.

The FOUR AGREEMENTS by Miguel Ruiz
1.
Be impeccable with your word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t take anything personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say & do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions & actions of others you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t make assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions & express what you really want. Be as clear as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness & drama.

4. Always do your best
This will change from moment to moment, based on being healthy or sick, young or old, rested or tired…. Under any circumstance, simply do your best & you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

The ability to practice these principles (in all our affairs 🙂) comes from the Healthy Adult. They are never meant to be done perfectly – since that’s not possible. But the more we can incorporate them, the more Co-dependence will fall away.

NEXT: Self-forgiveness as ADULTS

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 6a)

THIS PART IS
the hardest of all

PREVIOUS“: Outgrowing P-P , #4a

SITE: I Forgive Myself for…… from ‘Journey of Be’, scroll to 9/2015

QUOTE: “You’re the Average of the 5 people You spend the Most Time with”
Jim Rohn “The Art of Exceptional Living”

<—— ARTWORK from Tiny Buddha

 

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome”cont.

‘FORGIVING’ OURSELVES only applies to us as adults (next 2 posts), when the brain is capable of self-direction – understanding that the ‘character defects’ of the False Self were developed in childhood, which we had no control over.

Tool 6. Healing our CHILDHOOD T.E.A.s is to:
1. LET GO of our Self-hate (E) & endless recriminations (Ts) re. the past
————- See “Letting go means….“, and to:
2. GIVE UP the compulsion to keep punishing ourselves & stay miserable (Es)

Review: As earlier posts have indicated, the underpinnings to co-dep / P-P ‘niceness’ is unexpressed anger / rage. And under that is a vast sewer of stuffed emotions, the majority being fear/terror, but also disappointment, loneliness, longing, sadness, despair….. Cleaning out our damage includes facing & dealing with our anger at our family as well as all our other T.E.As.
It means having compassion for ourselves & being in the present.

Judgements: Along with forgiving others who have wronged us, we are told to ‘Forgive yourself’– but it’s not always clear which part of our life that refers to. Presumably it’s for all our ‘bad’ behavior, at any age.
This is tricky, because ACoA co-deps can take this to mean that our self-defeating patterns prove what our family said all along – that our very essence is bad/evil, which is why we’re supposed to need absolution.
Those unloving messages get added to children’s minds who combine Being & Doing into one thing.  So, still run by our WIC, ACoAs are plagued by the toxic rule: “I act bad because I am bad”, which we frantically try to hide with perfectionism& P-P.

REALITY:
If this were true then there could be no Recovery, no second chances, no spiritual healing & growth!
We need to “come to believe” that we are not bad & therefore unlovable, but rather severely wounded, as well as perfectly imperfect!

The starting point for all recovery is working to eliminate as much S-H as possible. See: Self-Hate & ACoAs, & counter it with ‘Emotional Needs & Resources, as well as ‘Emotional Maturity’ andACoAs & Self-esteem‘.

CHILDHOOD
(As)
ACTIONS: When being encouraged to see that S-H is a destructive lie, many ACoAs will counter by pointing out how difficult or bratty they were as teens, or even younger – as proof of their inherent ‘badness’.
Yes, some kids are quieter & some more rambunctious. But much of what our parents considered ‘misbehaving’ was a combination of:
a. our copy of & direct reactions to all the craziness we were stuck in
b. many perfectly normal kid ways – but mislabeled by unhealthy parents
(“10 Ways Kids Appear to Be Bad but Aren’t“)

(Ts) THINKING: The 2 categories of actions were based on:
a. the unique magical thinking of all children, who have a self-centered focus & a limited knowledge about how the world works
b. the many distortions & omissions fed to our growing brains by abusive parents, school, religion, our neighborhood & culture…..

(Es) EMOTIONS: (see list above) ACoAs often say they “feel crazy”- which is actually a cognitive issue, not emotional – because, growing up, most things truly didn’t make sense. It made our world chaotic & unpredictable, which is very scary to any child, who needs to feel safe as much as to feel loved.

THIS leads us back to self-forgiveness.
Forgiveness is always used in relation to having done something wrong. But as children much of what was labeled wrong about us was not! It doesn’t mean we were angels – far from it.  But every day we had to cope with extremely painful & frightening events. So it’s not appropriate or relevant to use the concept of forgiveness toward ourselves as children – for the survival strategies we developed in dire circumstances. There is nothing to forgive.

NEXT: Self-Forgiveness – in childhood (#4b-2)

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 5b)


IT’S NOT EASY
to heal old wounds

PREVIOUS: Forgiving others #—

SITE: 15 things Forgiveness DOESN’T mean….

 

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TSN) cont.

Tool 5a.
FORGIVING
OTHERS
(
DEF. in Part 4a)

Forgiving others is either:
1. about repairing relationships, to re-instate broken or lost trust, OR

2. letting go of the relationships because it cannot be repaired

NOTE: Forgiving in no way implies trusting the other person, nor does it guarantee the continuation of the relationship.

To repair a broken connection, both parties must be willing to participate.
• In some cases only one person has caused the problem – which they must own up to, & the aggrieved person will have to be willing to forgive. But forgiving a wound (letting of anger & resentment) does not guarantee a reinstatement of trust. That has to be earned by the wounder, & that takes time.

Some relationships CAN NOT be fixed & some shouldn’t be. This is especially true when someone has persistently acted badly. Do not ignore this!
There are situations where it’s not worth the effort to repair a relationship. No matter how hard we try, it’s not going to work, because the other person is won’t to meet us half way, unwilling to consider what motivates their disruptive behavior. Without that willingness, they will not change.

TOXIC people must be avoided whenever possible. If we were exposed to one or more for any length of time, we need to get away from them as soon as possible, & then heal the aftereffects – on our own, using all our tools – so they don’t keep hurting us (inside) even once they’re gone.

• In other cases two people have butted heads, each hurting the other – reacting from unhealed damage. If the relationship is worth salvaging – to both – then each will need to go to their separate corners to figure out what in their own background set them off. Then eventually come together to share their awarenesses, using only ‘-I-‘ statements.

This too is usually a slow process. Sometimes it will allow the relationship to continue – maybe stronger, maybe not.
OR – it will serve the purpose of each one knowing their side of the street is clean, but may force them to see they’re really not compatible going forward. Then the parting can be sad, but it eliminates residual guilt & regret.

GROWTH
Letting go of anger (Es) & resentments (Ts) is internal, which must then be expressed externally by changing old patterns into healthy ACTIONS (As).

++ CHOICES – We’re responsible now for choosing to surround ourselves with people who are self-caring, positive & kind. Then there would be a lot less to forgive!  Recovery means being much more discerning about who we trust. Since people tell us about themselves all the time – believe them! So it’s not actually them we should trust, but ourselves. We can work our way out of denial by carefully listening to & observing what others put out & then admit what we see & hear – especially when there is a persistent pattern to someone’s erratic /cruel /narcissistic / unavailable behavior

++ SPEAKING UP – As we outgrow P-P we can be much less ready to automatically forgive & forget’ indiscriminately. It’s not in anyone’s best interest. Repeatedly overlooking bad behavior in others not only harms us, but can also seriously effect our loved ones, friends & co-workers who are around the acting out, to everyone’s detriment. Being emotionally mature includes holding people accountable for their inconsistencies & incompetence, for not keeping their agreements, for damage they create, for abusive or disrespectful things they say…..

++ SELF-PROTECTION – At the same time we can avoid blaming others. In the present, if someone hurts our feelings or injures us in some other way, we must ask them to stop. We are not responsible for their reactions to that.  If they won’t stop, we can remove ourselves or at least keep our distance. We are not responsible for what the other person did or did not do – only for our Es & the way we handle it (As).
EXP: If someone steps on your toes, that’s on them. Definitely say OUCH! & move your foot.  If they keep stepping on it, that’s on you, for staying close enough for them to do it again & again.

NEXT: Accepting ourselves – in Childhood

PERMISSION to LEAVE

images-1A NEW YEAR’s SUGGESTION

SITE: “Staying away
from TOXIC people

Normally I hate cutesie, ‘uplifting’ saying, but I know some of us are still struggling with the belief that it’s unkind & selfish to disengage (whatever that means for you) from unhealthy people who do not take responsibility for their damage and don’t want to /can’t yet do the hard work of Recovery.

So I’m posting a bunch of statements of permission, in the hope
that they may be of encouragement to make some changes this year.

leave toxics

LEAVING THEM

angry people

poison people

let them go

allowed to leavesoul therapy

fresher air

god says drop

god says drop

your worth it

VICTIMS or NOT?

 

HOW BAD WAS IT?
It’s hard for me to know!

PREVIOUS: Victims or Not?

REVIEW: “Feeling Sorry For….

REMINDER: See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

VICTIMs or NOT?  (V = victim , P = Perpetrator / abuser)
ACoAs have tendency to get most things backward:
• Sanity tells us the TRUTH : We did go thru a terribly painful childhood – were very real Victims of our home, neighborhood, school, religion, & playground.  We had no choice & very few options.  We were Vs then, but we don’t have to be Vs any more.OLD/NEW

• BUT the distorted logic of SELF-HATE says the opposite:
– it wasn’t all that bad (altho we do know it was)
– they DID loved us / they did the best they could
– we were NOT really Victims – just selfish, weak, bad flawed, hopeless – and will be forever!
As long as we hold this lie as our only reality, we can’t fully recover – & it’s why we get stuck. Before Recovery – & sometimes long into it – ACoAs’ reaction to our early trauma come in 2 major forms:

a. Perpetual:  Many ACoAs are still actively living IN the old destructive patterns set out for us, & refuse to give up the V. ROLE. The attitude is: “I was then & am forever a casualty of my family / school / church….. I just can’t cope.  You can’t expect me to function. I can’t do anything differently now because I’m so debilitated by those experiences. Someone has to take care of me”….

We stay loyal to our Ps so we don’t have to:
• do the lifelong hard work of healing our wounds (to feel)
• fully take care of ourselves as healthy adults, having ‘done that’ as kids, AND —
✶ lose the proof of what was done to us as kids! “If I get better, no one will ever know how much they hurt me, & I want everyone to see it & feel sorry for me!”.
It is a sad reality that most people in our culture assume that if someone ‘looks good’ it means that:  they’ve healthy, always had it easy, must have come from a good home, don’t have any problems & never needed to overcome anything.validation

So, ACoAs who are looking for external validation for our trauma – from everyone – believe we can only get it if we stay miserable. This keeps us torturing ourselves unnecessarily, which is a great shame.  We DO need validation, but gradually it has to be internalized, so that we always “know what I know” in all settings.

Re. Self-Pity – John W. Garner (Sec of Health, Education & Welfare) said:
“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”  There is truth in this, but ACoAs have to be very careful – of getting things backwards again.

NEGATIVE: Perpetual Vs indulge in Self-pity, which is an emotion generated by the ‘poor-me’s (T): “Everything goes wrong for me, no one likes me, I can never get a leg up…” There is no responsibility taken for their actions – or more likely NON-actions – & always blame others for causing their woes.
POSITIVE: Having deep compassion for ourselves is NOT self-pity. Feeling sorry for the WIC is self-caring, a respect and sorrow for all the hardships we’ve endured – which we did not cause.  This is hard for ACoA to do without disgust & annoyance,  the way our parents & other caretakers felt towards us as kids.grief whirlpool

We DO need to mourn, feel angry, be sad, feel the loss of time & opportunities our damage has stolen from us. That is NOT living in Victim mentality! The more we can feel these things the healthier we get. Mourning the loss of what we never got is a crucial part of Recovery, & the beginning of Transformation

b. Stoic: At the other extreme are the ACoAs (often Heros) who can’t admit anything bad happened to them. These believe we were not abused & that everything was fine.  Even if we do sometimes say it wasn’t all great, we believe it was our fault. We walk around with emotional stab wounds, bleeding from unseen trauma & pretend nothing’s wrong.
Our closest & ‘dearest’ can carelessly spew their damage at us, YET we blame ourselves! We say: “But, they didn’t mean it / They didn’t know any better”…. What we’re actually saying is : “Since they didn’t mean to hurt me, I have no reason to be upset (I don’t want to feel anything)”. Phew!

• This reasoning is flawed because ACoAs are in fact sad, lonely, disappointed, hurt & angry! It’s not healthy for us to ignore what’s going on – inside or outside. Denying that we were wounded by our family and that we have many & complex emotions – is a way to victimize ourselves.
If adults are enraged by being mistreated over time, how much more so are children, who are dependent, vulnerable & powerless. Abuse & neglect is terrifying & humiliating, no matter what the reason for or motivation of the P. As kids, the longer we had to ignore bad behavior, the angrier we got – which then gets acted out on ourselves & others. EXP: Reason for the murder of Martha Moxley, seen near the end of the TV movie “Murder in Greenwich” (2002).

REVIEW of why we don’t want to “know what I know”.  It’s because:
• the situation is futile – since we can’t change it – so why even notice. This is NOT the healthy Powerlessness of Recovery, ie. Letting Gogrief rcovery
• it means having to S & I (leave home), be on our own, give up the WIC’s desperate wish to be taken care of
• it means giving up the WIC’s hope (demand) that they will get better, love us, turn things around, connect with us
• we’ll have to give up the illusory power of our S-H (I can fix people-places-things so they stop hurting me)
• we’ll have to feel the depth of pain about how badly we’ve been treated
• it’ll make us angry, & we’re not allowed to be angry at ‘them’ OR to WEEP about it!

Re. Pity for others
One way stoic ACoAs can feel superior & also deny our pain – is to feel sorry for others, especially our parents & mates. It may seem like a show of kindness & empathy on our part, but all it does is allow Ps to get away with being inappropriate & stay unhealed. Feeling pity for abusive & incompetent people is used to disguise our anger at them for not taking care of themselves & not carrying their weight in the relationship. Protecting someone else’s feelings from the truth (how their damage  affects us) is not only arrogant, it’s abdicating our responsibility to ourselves – by giving someone permission to neglect us, beat up our Inner Child & disrespect our Healthy Adult!
QUOTES:
• “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” ~ Harvey Fierstein
•  “You can either be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It all depends on how you view your life.” ~ Maria (from Eleven Minutes’, book & play by Paulo Coelho)

Not letting ourselves feel ALL our emotions (high achievers, isolators, rescuers, caretakers, Mascots….), especially the old sorrow & rage, has a high price – it keeps us separated from ourselves and from others, making us ‘dead’ & alone – even if we keep busy, busy & have lots of relationships. RECOVERY is about moving out of the Victim Role into our True Self.

NEXT: Grandiosity vs Normal

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 2)

flowers 2 

I GET IT –
this has little or nothing to do with ME!

PREVIOUS: Positive Responses – re events

REVIEW: Part 1: Events + Large Chart

 

2. EMOTIONS ‘Square’
Healthy ACoAs are not afraid to feel, own & deal with our emotions. Es are a vital part of our self-protection & self-correcting mechanism, built-in to our brain (the limbic system).  It doesn’t matter which ego state the emotions come from – they’re all part of us. As we learn to identify ‘who’s’ saying and feeling what – we can respond to our internal cues more accurately.

a. From the WIC (adapted child)
• these emotions will be left-over from our difficult childhood – terror, self-hate, rage, hopelessness, profound existential loneliness, abandonment, even feeling positive reactionssuicidal, all of which are based on actual  experiences, PLUS internalizing those of our parents

b. From the Negative Introject
• all of the above, from their background, as well as their feelings towards us, including indifference, impatience, disgust, neediness, desperation, fear of abandonment……  emotions which we have internalized & continue to carry – until we ‘clean them out’.  We have to face our pain, but the thoughts & feelings of our parents MUST be given back to them! via repeated visualizations & statements

EXP:
• “Dad, I love you but I can’t save you from mom’s cruelty. I tried to ease your pain, even taking on your covert suicidal feelings, but never could fix you. You chose her & stayed with her – it’s your marriage. You’re not my mate, so I give you back to her!”
• “Mom, I’ve been carrying your fear, helplessness & unfelt rage all these years, thinking it would help lift your burden. I feel bad that you’ve been suffering, but I know now it was an impossible task & not mine to deal with anyway. I’ve rolled up all your pain in a big black ball & now I give it back to you. I have enough of my own to be healed!”

c. From the Healthy Child Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.34.34 PM.png 
• Our natural self, whether we were born an Introvert or Extrovert, a combination of – joy, love, curiosity, amazement, amusement, trust, excitement, shyness, disappointment … and greed, need, naiveté, stubbornness, fear, anger, selfishness, envy….  (PAC characteristics)

d. From the Loving Parent
• This is the missing ego state in all wounded ACoAs & so is the most important to develop, replacing the PP (pig parent / bad voice): love, patience, consistency, tolerance, sense of humor, persistence, faith…..

PS – the Healthy Adult is basically emotion-free – it’s primarily our computer mode, practical, rational & objective
ACCEPTANCE


i. I didn’t Cause it
Other people’s reactions to us tells us about who they are
✶✶ Getting this truth in our cells is a core / basic / fundamental / imperative !!! 🙂 requirement for peace of mind!  ONLY our co-dependence & narcissism says otherwise.

ii. I can’t Control it
Being controlling is driven by anxiety – the fear of loss (abandonment) & represents the grandiose belief that we have power in powerless situations. (see the Serenity Prayer). We can’t make others do or be what we want, but we can continue working on ourselves.

iii. I can’t Cure it
While some spiritual practices teach that we have all power, over everything – ultimately there are things in this lifetime we cannot cure, whether in ourselves or in others.  Focusing on the impossible is a waste of time & takes energy away from the many wonderful things we can accomplish – NOW!

Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.35.19 PMOTHER PEOPLE: HOW others react to us is on them. However, their T.E.A.’s can have something to do with us, directly OR indirectly IF:
i. from Them:
— we accidentally bump up against some longstanding emotional ‘hot button’ in them (we ONLY create buttons in our own physical children)
— we inadvertently remind them of someone in their damaged past
— we don’t go along with their narcissistic needs or expectations

ii. from Us:
— when our unhealed rage &/or neediness pushes others away
— we keep asking unavailable people to be there for us when they can’t
— we generally expect too much of others, including healthy ones
— we say or do something hurtful, disloyal, selfish…. from our damageScreen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.38.02 PM

• The things WE ARE responsible for need to be worked on in Recovery, especially when we know what hurts someone & use that to ‘get them‘. We have to own all of it – objectively, without self-hate – & be willing to make changes.  Any reason people are uncomfortable with us (our repressed rage, our neediness, our unavailability…) will diminish over time as we develop our Healthy Adult & interact with others more & more from that ego state. It’s an ongoing process which definitely works

NEXT: Positive Responses (Thinking)