List of HEALTHY Boundaries (Part 2)

I KNOW WHO I AM & WHAT I NEED,
& I can say it clearly

PREVIOUS: Emotional Bs

SITE: Personal Responsibility

 

 

💟 PRACTICAL EXAMPLES of Healthy Boundaries
What B do NOT DO ( Part 1)

♥️ WHAT Boundaries DO – THEY:
• act as a warning sign when’re about to get into relationships or places unsuitable or dangerous – for us
• allow the Healthy Adult to be in charge – to protect us from our own emotional instability  when the WIC feels vulnerable
• identify the specific consequences of boundary invasions
THEY:
• prevent anyone from inappropriately injecting themself into our life, or trying to get us to do anything we don’t want to
• protect our values, & the right to always be treated with dignity & respect
• provide pre-set guidelines for all areas of life. When we periodically regress into a symbiotic or self-effacing state (inevitable), we may need someone to help us re-establish Bs
• prevent anyone from inappropriately injecting themself into our life, or trying to get us to do anything we don’t want to

1. EMOTIONAL (Es)  – Part 1

2. PHYSICAL (P) – Healthy Bs means we CAN:
• comfortably distance ourself from anyone who can’t / won’t respect our Bs
• have self-esteem about our P self, no matter how we look
• protect our physical space from intrusion, invasion or abuse
• say NO to food, gifts, touch, sex …  that we don’t want
• safely give & receive Physical comfort
• stay in our body (be congruent) “My body & I are one”
• touch & be touched – with discrimination
• weigh the consequences before acting on a sexual impulse
KNOW –
• it’s OK to move towards or away from someone
• the most comfortable space between us & another
• what’s appropriate modesty & openness with ourself & others. Modesty is not = being a prude! It’s about self-respect.

3. MENTAL – Healthy Bs means that we CAN:
re. OURSELF
• act assertively (not aggressive) by respectfully stating our opinions, emotions & needs
• empower ourself to make healthy choices & be responsible for our thoughts
• know it’s OK to have some privacy / secrecy without guilt, even with intimates
• know when a miscommunication or CD is ours & when it’s someone else’s
• know what we believe (values) & what we want
CAN :
• own our toxic family beliefs & work on replacing them
• say No / Yes honestly, & are secure when others say No to us
• take back our projections (see others for who they really are, not what we think or wish them to be – or who our parents were)
• think & speak for ourself (without always quoting someone else)
• trust our own decisions, defining our truth as you see it
• value our opinions, tastes & viewpoints, as much as those of others

With OTHERS  – Healthy Bs means that WE :
• avoid expectations – knowing that we might get turned down, but can still ask
• can be in charge of deciding if a potential relationship will be good for us
• can ask for practical information, when needed
• choose to go slow in a new relationship while checking for compatibility
• communicate needs & wants clearly in all relationships
WE :
✶ DO stand up for our beliefs, even when in the minority
• give personal info gradually, then check how others respond
✶ know that accuracy is more important that agreement in communications
• notice any time others boundary-invade us
• recognize that friends & partners are not mind readers
• respect others’ boundaries (EXP : ask if it’s ok before touching, or taking something)
• teach others to treat us with dignity & respect

EMOTIONAL & MENTAL RECOVERY Truths
✦ Aloneness is a bounty from which we choose what we want
✦ Friends can only stand by – watching & encouraging, while we make our own discoveries
✦ Giving is never losing, & giving freely is a semi-circle which completes itself in receiving
✦ Help doesn’t always appear in the way we expect or demand
✦ More is possible than we think, if we truly believe
✦ No one can tell us who we are
✦ No one can live our pain or our joy – for us
✦ No matter who walks with us, no one can walk it for us
💗
✦ Our eyes can never see as clearly as our hearts
✦ Sharing is not legitimate unless we keep enough for ourselves
✦ Second-best may really be just second-arrived
✦ To want nothing is as selfish as to give nothing
✦ Wisdom comes from hearing & believing our True voice
✦ What we think we want may be inferior to what we receive
SO:
✦ We may often feel we’re walking alone, but we never are IF we know who we are

NEXT: Setting Healthy Bs (Part 3)

List of HEALTHY Boundaries (Part 1)

 

I WANT TO CONNECT, NOT be enmeshed

PREVIOUS: Healthy Bs – Info (Part 2)

WHAT Boundaries (Bs) can NOT DO
re. US
• having your own boundaries ourself does not create Bs for others
• by themselves, Bs don’t fix the damage in our ‘spirit’. The WIC needs healing before we can enforce our personal space
• they’re not about Right & Wrong. They’re based on our own value system & perspective, so may be totally different from someone else’s, rather than bad.

• Bs are not a form of deprivation, nor limit our joy. Instead – with Bs we attract people who respect & care about us. So, our relationships get better, & we enjoy our activities because they match our values
• B are not set in stone. As we Heal & Grow, our Bs also expand & improve. We have the right to evolve, deciding what does & doesn’t work for us.

re. OTHERS
• Bs are not mean, selfish or ‘unfair’ just because someone else doesn’t like them. That may be how they feel, but it’s not accurate. We set Bs for separation or protection from people who will otherwise ignore or trample on our needs & feelings. Sticking to our Bs is a way to maintain our integrity

• Bs are not attempts to control or punish others (don’t confused them with ultimatums or demands). They’re not a way to force people to change or do what we want – since that’s not possible. We can sometimes ask others to make a change, but have no control over whether they will or not (MORE….)

• Bs can not control, change or stop narcissist, bully & pathological liars from trying to manipulate or control us.  We decide what we will or won’t put up with, but since abusers don’t listen, usually we just have to get away from them

• Bs should not be used to encourage unhealthy responses & behavior in others that are counter to our morals & beliefs.
EXP : Saying it’s OK with us IF someone acts self-destructively – ‘just not around us’.
We do need to distance ourself from someone who insists on staying Victim or Perpetrator, but we can point out kindly what we observe, for their benefit – as well as clearly state our own concerns & values.
EXP : “It hurts me to see you how you keep letting him/her belittle you….”

DEVELOPING EMOTIONAL (Es) Boundaries 
Healthy E. Bs lets us clearly know:
• Es just ARE, not good or bad, but a range from most painful to most joyful
• as adults Es don’t depend on others’ actions
• our Es do not cause others’ actions or their Es
• pleasant & painful Es come from our own behavior
AND with Bs —
• we can have access to a wide range of Es
• we do not blame PPT for events, taking responsibility for our feelings
• we accept Es we’ve been taught to disapprove (jealousy, greed, shame, indifference, rage….) & have compassion for ourself when they come up
• we have control over which Es we express to others (who & where)

a. For OURSELF — Healthy Bs mean WE:
• acknowledge our Shadow self, without judgment or S-H
• are able to ask for help when needed
• are committed to & responsible for nurturing our full potential
• are responsible for our own happiness & fulfillment
• become our own Good Parent, for self-care
• don’t compromise values or integrity to avoid possible rejection
WE :
• have a strong sense of identity – know ourself well, have good self-esteem & self-respect – without arrogance
• know our own wants, needs & emotions (T.E.As)
• know our limits – not giving too much just so someone will like us
• know when a problem is ours & when it is NOT
• talk to ourself with gentleness, respect & humor
• value our opinions & feelings as much as those of others (often more)

b. About OTHERS — Healthy Bs mean WE:
• allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment
• allow others to define their own Bs & limits
• are ok with others having intense emotions, without having to fix them
• communicate our Bs clearly in all relationships
• develop appropriate trust, based on current reality (what we know about them)
• don’t tolerate emotional abuse or disrespect from anyone
WE :
• have an equal partnership & expect reciprocity in close relationships, sharing responsibility & power
• have respect for others – not taking advantage of someone’s kindness or generosity, AND not letting others take advantage of ours
• move carefully, thoughtfully, step-by-step into emotional intimacy
• share sensitive information gradually, & only in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship

NEXT: Mental & Physical Bs #2