OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 4)

to enjoy all my rights

PREVIOUS: Outgrowing Angry-Niceness #3

MEN: Break “Nice Guy” Stereotype
WOMEN:  What “She’s too nice” means

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.

Tool 4. RIGHTS (cont.)

REVIEW the problem with the phrase “I deserve…..”, in Part 3

Instead of having to ‘sing for our supper’, we want to acknowledge & act on RIGHTS which are everyone’s birthright. They are strictly for our benefit, not in order to be ‘good’ or to take care of others.  As we start living by them, eventually they can become automatic!

YOU have a RIGHT 
❤︎ to Think, Feel, Speak & Act according to your True Self
❤︎ to be treated respectfully, no matted the circumstance
❤︎ to never say “I’m sorry” for being yourself, or just for being here & taking up space 😎
❤︎ to discover your passions & pursue them without interference
❤︎ to appreciate yourself whenever you stand your ground
❤︎ to not feel guilty for taking care of yourself or saying ‘no’
❤︎ to take time out to answer a Q or request (“I’ll let you know”)

❤︎ to not care – so much!  You can’t carry the burden of all the world’s problems – there are too many, just as the whole world can not care about yours. And since none of us has the power to fix another person, you can stick to handling the things that matter the most to you, to get the most out of your efforts

❤︎ to offer no justification!  Don’t lie, but don’t explain. Trying to prove your point – to unreceptive ears – can easily become self-humiliating. When an explanation is required, keep your answers clear & short

YOU have a RIGHT 
❤︎ to make mistakes // to not know // to be incompetent (every so often)
❤︎ to ask for help  // to change your mind // to ask Qs
❤︎ to not be responsible for other people’s needs, actions or problems
❤︎ to disagree with others & express your opinion // to not respond to ‘stupidity’

❤︎ to stop victimizing yourself
• Never chase perfection – there’s no such possibility for human beings. Only God is perfect. Focus on your actual qualities, natural talents & accomplishments
• Know when your kindness is being taken advantage of, speak up about it & pull back some
• Don’t compare yourself with others. Since each of us has a separate body & separate personality, we also each have our own life path. Live yours!

• Always be kind to yourself. Stop self-hating thoughts as soon as there pop up, checking to see what abandonment trigger set it off (BOOK: “Compassion & Self-Hate – An alternative to Despair“- T. Rubin)

❤︎ to be helpful & generous to others — IF you have enough PMES supplies of your own to share.  Only do what you are legitimately capable of, what fits with your own self-care needs & when you have the time (unless there’s an emergency that only you can deal with – which is rare)

❤︎ to take time out for yourself, even a little every day – to dream, to imagine a new possibility or something creative, to process the day’s experiences, to revel in an accomplishment, compliment or triumph

❤︎ to find & maintain contact with support systems in various parts of your life, the kinds that fit your personal tastes, your work concerns, family needs & social interests. Let others give you whatever help & encouragement they have to offer – if it’s what you need!  As the Al-anon Closing says ” ……We aren’t perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while, you’ll discover that ‘though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way – the same way we already love you.”

❤︎ YOU HAVE a RIGHT to assert all these rights! (‘My Rights – Qs’)

NEXT: Outgrowing co-dep #5a


MY RIGHTS – Questionnaire (25-48)


I feel so much better


REVIEW inventory writing using these 2 forms

When we thoroughly accept that we have ‘inalienable right’,  then we have no problem identifying and fulfilling our needs – not perfectly, but as much as reasonably possible.  As mentioned in last post, self-care allows us to:

A. have boundaries. When we know what we need or don’t need, want or don’t want – we can let other people know what is or isn’t acceptable.  It’s not their job to honor our boundaries – only we can do that
B. eliminate deprivation.  ACoAs either harmfully over-indulge or live in self-denial / starvation in all PMES ways. Knowing we have value makes is easier to find appropriate, balanced nourishment in every area of life

C. prevent abuse.  We will not accept or tolerate any form of mistreatment, being clear about our rights, including the right to be safe
D. not be manipulated.  When we know what is correct and healthy, we can tell when someone is trying to control us

E. minimize anger & resentment.  The more we take care of ourselves, the less we co-dependently expect others to provide what is not reasonable, so we don’t get so deeply disappointed
F. feel good about ourselves / be empowered / enjoy our life — all natural results & rewards for being in charge of our needs

MY RIGHTS – Questionnaire (1-24)


Who me?  Really?

PREVIOUS: Healthy RULES – #3

SITE: (UN) What are Human Rights?

•  No matter how long ACoAs are in Recovery, it is always good to be reminded of what we have a right to be and have, as human beings – since we were originally brainwashed by family to not even know what our needs are, much less have a right to fulfill them.

We must provide for our needs as much as possible, both from ourselves and with the help of appropriate others, as a prerequisite to:
• having boundaries                            • being empowered
• eliminating deprivation                  • not being manipulated
• preventing abuse                              • feeling good about ourselves
• minimizing anger & resentment   • enjoying our life

• Fill out these 2 questionnaires, the best you can (Part 2 next post). If you get stuck, ask someone who knows you well, AND who is respectful, which ones they think you express in your daily life. See what you think
• Take them again once a year (maybe on your B/day or at the New Year), to clock your recovery progress
• Take the “nos” as goal to work toward, but NOT as things to beat yourself up about!
• Pick a different one each week or month to focus on. Start with the “SOME” column, since that will be easier.  At the end of each week / month, evaluate if & how you applied it, or at least increased your awareness about the Right
• Eventually many of these rights will become second nature & you will feel safer & stronger