Co-Dep INTERNAL Negatives (Part 2)


I TRY & TRY, BUT

never seem to get anywhere

PREVIOUS: Co-Dep INTERNAL Negatives (Part 1)

SITE: Factors leading to Co-dep

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


INTERNAL
 High COST of angry-niceness
(cont.)

✔︎ Regretful – getting lost in the ‘Wudda-shudda-cudda” forest of self-recrimination & hopelessness, yet another way to prevent yourself from making healthy changes to improve your life

✔︎ Resentful – you don’t like this about yourself, but you’re filled with resentments. It’s the rage about what you didn’t get as a kid, & the rage NOW at not getting what you silently expect/demand from others. They’re supposed to read your mind so you don’t have to ask. And, why don’t they appreciate & reciprocate all you’ve been doing for them??  ”Why does _____ keep ignoring me? Why hasn’t she/he texted back? What did they mean by that remark??”…..

✔︎ Risk-Averse – being so dependent on others to feel OK keeps you from testing yourself to too what you’re actually capable of OR –
You can take risks in some parts of your life, proving you can do it, yet convinced you can’t try out new ways of doing or thinking – in other areas.

✔︎ Self-Sabotaging – making sure your goals & dreams never come true, staying in jobs & relationships you hate but can’t seem to extricate yourself, refusing to use the options that would help you move on.

✔︎ Sleepless (in Seattle??) – tossing & turning, worrying about what you have to do in the morning & the rest of the day – every day, about how you’re going to manage the ‘conversation’ you’re dreading (with the boss, a subordinate, a family member….), obsessing about an ‘incident’ yesterday by text or email because someone was mad at you….. NEVER ever really relaxed

✔︎ Suffering – stubbornly cling to your self-hate to (unconsciously) prove your deep loyalty to the family, so :
—  you pick people who are unhealthy, making yourself vulnerable to the same kind of neglect & abuse you got growing up, & sometimes even worse
— all the stress of suppressing your emotions + cruel self-talk + unhappy relationships = physical ailments, chronic & long-lasting

✔︎ Terrified – all the time, even if you don’t realize that’s why you’re breathing is so shallow. Scared to make a mistake or of not knowing something, of doing anything that will cause ‘them’ to leave you, or fire you, of taking a stand, of admitting your deepest emotions & sharing your pain, of honestly admitting your family’s abuse & neglect, or your own shortcomings….

✔︎ Trapped – with all the crazy, toxic people you’ve accumulated (& family you cling to), unwilling to extricate yourself because you don’t really want to see  how awful they are & how much they’re harming you, and you can’t bear the idea of ‘hurting’ them any more than they already are. BUT it’s OK to let yourself be terribly injured by them???

✔︎ Uncomfortable – in your skin, crying, being noticed in a group, with gifts or rewards, taking in praise & compliments, even the validation you say you crave

✔︎ Waiting – never having been allowed to know who you really are has insured that you can’t motivate yourself. You wait for any outside force to push you in some direction, never being sure if it’s what you want. If there’s no deadline or needy person – if it’s just you – you’re stalled!

✔︎ Wishy-washy – trouble making decisions, trouble being firm with others, sticking to your point of view: “What if it’s the wrong one? // What if they won’t like what I say? // I want o see what they’re going to do first // I’m not sure what they want me to be/see/feel… // I can’t figure out what to wear to that event, who should I be, how am I supposed to act?I don’t know what to feel about this”….

NEXT: Co-dep EXTERNAL negatives – in us #1

SYMPTOMS of Co-Dep Anger – toward others

WICs communicatingI’VE GOT TO BE NICE
so they won’t see my anger

PREVIOUS: Symptoms- in us

SITE: Co-Dependency  (includes characteristics Qs)

<— Inner children in adults


IMPORTANT:
as you scroll thru these various lists (this & the previous), do NOT use them to berate yourself. If they are primarily psychological rather than medical, they tell us our degree of woundedness, embodied in the False Self. We did not cause these patterns, but it is our choice & option to correct them, a little at a time.

• Looking at Plutchik’s “Emotion Wheel” – we see that anger & fear are opposites – so:
— if we are only aware of or act from being anxious, depressed, feeling like a victim – we’re hiding intense anger we’re afraid to admit to
— if we are in a continual state of anger, rage, resentment & hostility – we are denying feelings of sadness, vulnerability, hopelessness & fear

NOTE: Some things in the list will seem counter-opposite, but can in fact be different sides of the same person, like – act Superior on the outside, feel Inferior on the inside, calm on the surface, but roiling inside…..
ALSO – you don’t need to identify with everything to say you’re hiding rage, & as stated above, some of these things can be caused by sources other that repressed Es (medication, temporary intense stressors, a major illness….).
See —- upcoming — statements which signal indirect anger

How CO-DEPENDENTS behave
Behaviors
• ‘love-buy’ – overspend on gifts, tips, treats
• women often financially support their spouse
• rarely buy anything for yourself
• anticipate needs of others & supply them before being asked
• overly-kind (one of the subtlest forms of anger – think of Dexter, TV’s good-guy serial murderer bringing donuts to work)
• overly responsible at work, trouble delegating
• put yourself at risk rather than refuse someone’s request
• do much more than you’ve been askedscreen-shot-2017-02-24-at-11-41-20-pm

 Communication
• agree with everything others say, or just smile
• patronize (as in the Southern phrase “Bless your heart!”)
• laugh at jokes that are not funny or you’ve heard many times
• listen endlessly to other people’s problems & complaints
• won’t speak up against disrespect or abuse
• only hint, obliquely, at what you want or don’t like
• mistake honest, respectful dialogue for malicious confrontation
• repress, deny, ignore true thoughts & emotions (dishonesty)
• complain to everyone else about your relationship dissatisfaction except to the one involved

Relationships
• terrified of being dominated, & weakly try not to be, but  unconsciously act dependent, indecisive, unsure, non-assertive, with weak or no boundaries
• don’t go places or do things if your mate isn’t available or interested – then sulk, complain, cold-shopeople-pleaseulder
• refuse to leave harmful or ‘dead’ relationships, & make the other person responsible for ending it
• cause many ‘little problems’ that irritate your partner, & then seem surprised

• take a partner ‘hostage’ by needing them so much you can’t live without them, make them your whole world
• keep attracting partners that are overtly angry, P-As & narcissist, so you can keep being secretly angry – at them
• pick & stay with addicts, so you can fix them (control)
• don’t say what you want, like, need…. but expect others to mind-read
• withdraw from anyone you like, if it will prevent conflict – without explanation
• imagine worst-case scenarios even when things are going well
• keep bringing up old complaints  with children or mates

• go to any length to not rock to boatat risk
• keep recycling old ways of dealing with complicated situations
• re. sex – women – refuse to ask for what you want/like, never initiate, undermine mate’s sense of adequacy & skill, refuse to respond, lack of desire

NEXT: Co-Dep behavior #1

Ennea Type 8 – Flaws in us ALL

type 8 

PREVIOUS: Type 7 flaws
IMPORTANT: To understand the meaning / purpose of each topic, review ‘Type Flaws in us ALL – INTRO’.
Associated Type inside the  ( )

Type 8 COWARDICE because of Cognitive Distortions (#6)
— Re. asking for support: believe that only the weak ask for support, & that others aren’t strong enough to support you anyway
— Re. appearing weak: think that showing any vulnerability or anxiety is a chink in your armor, which others will take advantage of
— Re. being completely honest: think that you’re always truthful, even though it’s not always true (nor possible)

Type 8 FLATTERY (#2)
— Think strategically about how to “win over” potential opponents, by flattering them & appealing to their ego or self-interest
— Think it’s better to not say something that could be construed as negative, therefore using deletion as a form of flattery
— Act completely interested in someone then abruptly or completely withdraw – a good hint you weren’t sincerely interested in the first place

Type 8 LAZINESS – Indolence (#9)
You don’t appear indolent – in fact you often seem to be in touch with reality, but…like all of us, you can also:
— Obsess about whatever you lust after (8’s excess) as a way of avoiding feeling vulnerable
— Believe your ‘truth’ or sense of reality is accurate, so can be too lazy to think through all other possibilities that are valid
— Go into mental denial that something’s wrong, even your health

Type 8 MOODINESS (melancholy & resulting separation) (#4)
— Convinced there isn’t anyone who can or will truly support you
— Believe you can handle everything, big & small, so when you can’t, you can get lost in mental gloom & doom
— Think about the tremendous suffering & abuse in the world, which you believe you should be able to stop from happening

Type 8 PLANNING – as compulsion (#7)
— THINK about how to take charge
— how to not be taken advantage of
— how to get things under control
— how to expand you territory

Type 8 RESENTMENT (#1)
— be disgusted with & dismissive of someone who you believed in – when they waste, misuse or not use – their potential
— confused & obsessed about something important you can’t make happen
— outraged when you’re not in control of something you believe you have a right to be in charge of

Type 8 STINGINESS (#5)vulnarable
— about sharing power, because of assuming it is limited. So if others have it, your own power is diminished
— about sharing your vulnerabilities, believing if you do, others will take advantage of it
— about your protectiveness, thinking you should & can protect others from abuse. But are highly selective about who you choose to ‘help’, & have trouble seeing when some of your behavior is abusive

Type 8 VANITY (#3)
— Think you’re stronger than other people
— Believe you can make happen anything you want to
— Think that your truth is The Truth

Type 8 VENGEANCE (#8)
What sets you off is thinking someone has –
— stepped on the down-trodden
— illegitimately challenged your authority
— not taken responsibility for your own negative behavior
— been untruthful and untrustworthy

REACTION: think about how to gain control & authority, as a way to dis-empower the other person and put them in their place
GROWTH: Ask “Am I sharing my feelings of vulnerability and showing my softer sides to both myself and others?”

ALSO
Type 8 DISTORTED LENS
One-dimensional – only seeing one version of reality
Lesson: 8s remind us that a limited view of the truth/reality usually ignores all the other possibilities. Assuming we know exactly what’s happening doesn’t make it so, because Reality happens simultaneously as well as sequentially

Type 8 HANGING ON (Need to let go)
Hold on to: avenging wrongs done by others, being able to move mountains through your extraordinary will, energy & power, always being in command or in control
Why: To maintain your ‘sense of self as a person who’ is so strong you can protect anyone you choose, never showing weakness or vulnerability
Let go of: the belief you have to be strong and big at all times and under all circumstances

Type 8 OFF-BALANCE
— by someone standing up to you without backing down
— feeling highly vulnerable & not have the strength to hide itbe defended
— feeling exhausted and depleted

Type 8 MAYA (delusion)
Think that you don’t dare let your guard down because if you do, something terrible will happen to you. Most of the time – not.

Type 8 WORRY
“Who’s really strong enough to help or support me? What if I’m too strong? What if I’m not strong enough? What advantage will they take if I show my vulnerability? Why did they let me down?”

NEXT: All Flaws – Type 9

Ennea Type 5 – Flaws in us ALL

type 5

PREVIOUS: Ennea Humor – #4

 
IMPORTANT: To understand the meaning / purpose of each topic, review ‘Type Flaws in us ALL – INTRO’. Associated Type inside the ( )

 

Type 5 COWARDICE because of CDs (#6)
— about intrusion: Think that others are going to invade your time, space & privacy
— about feelings: Fearful of expressing emotions in real-time, & highly uncertain about what you do feel or even how to know it
— about attachments: Believe you must not be attached to anything or anyone, because if you are, your energy will be sapped & your autonomy threatened

Type 5 FLATTERY (#2)
— Think there is something wrong with you for not liking “small talk” when others seem to like it just fine (thinking there is something “right” with others)
— Continue a conversation about a topic you have little interest in
— Decide to not share information you actually do have, being sure you don’t know enough about the topic, yet still listening to others who know a lot less than you about it

Type 5 LAZINESS / Indolence (#9)
— Confuse thinking with feeling, so you don’t pay much attention to your emotional life
— Don’t consider your feelings much at all. In fact, think that they have limited value, & that it takes too much energy to figure them out
— Believe that only their minds matter, so ignore (be indolent about) physical sensations that are a source of important information

Type 5 MOODINESS (melancholy & resulting separation) (#4)
— Think you’re depleted, drained of sufficient resources & life force
— Believe you don’t have truly deep relationships like others seem to
— See yourself as an island adrift from the major continent of people

Type 5 PLANNING – as compulsion (#7)
— How to prevent draining situations, by limiting intrusions, demands on your time and energy or emotionally charged interactions
— Strategize ways to overcome potentially dangerous situations

Type 5 RESENTMENT (#1)
— Focus on the intrusiveness and aggressiveness of others
— Imagine / assume harmful actions you think others are up to
— Wonder why someone has the right to make demands on you for personal information, your time….

Type 5 STINGINESS (#5)resources
— with resources & knowledge: Think the world has limited resources so you have to conserve almost everything
— with interpersonal engagement: Believe you don’t need or want to fully engage with others because they’ll will drain you or want too much
— with sharing: Believe you have to withhold information about yourself with almost everyone (except the very few you trust), otherwise your privacy will be violated

Type 5 VANITY (#3)
— Think that others are inferior for having too many needs, being dependent / not autonomous
— Believe you have a superior intellect
— Think that others’ expressing of emotions is inferior to your own reliance on reason, logic, emotional self-containment & detachment

Type 5 VENGEANCE (#8)
What sets you off is thinking someone has –
— violated your privacy, such as breaking a confidence
— kept information from you, especially if it’s important to you
— lied, such as said they’d deliver work on time and then didn’t
— made unreasonable or not-agreed-to demands on you

REACTION: think & plan how to neutralize that person or keep them at a distance
— strategizing how to get that person removed and harmless (if they’ve really scared you or violated a deeply held value)
GROWTH: Ask “ Am I expressing my real feelings in the moment?”

ALSO
Type 5 DISTORTED LENS
Too-far: missing the nuances of what’s close up.
Lesson: 5s remind us that when we create too much distance, we lose seeing the finer detail, including ourselves & how we interact with a situation.

Type 5 HANGING ON
Hold on to:
— to being autonomous, needing too much privacy, using up limited space and resources
— and under-explored feelings and needs
Why: to maintain your ‘sense of self as a person who’ doesn’t need to rely on anyone or anything other than yourself
Let go of: your false belief in scarcity (of energy, resources….)

Type 5 OFF-BALANCE
— By someone standing too close for too long
— Having to put out energy and effort when already feeling depleted
— Expected to share personal information when you’re not clear why this matters or what don't feelsomeone will do with it

Type 5 MAYA (delusion)
You think that you either don’t know or don’t experience your emotional states, when in fact your emotions are extremely pure

Type 5 WORRY
“What do they want from me? How can I get away from this? Why am I feeling so drained and depleted? Why can’t I express myself?”

NEXT: All flaws – Type 6

Enneagram Flaws in us ALL – INTRO

sisyphus 

PREVIOUS:

 Ennea Humor – Part 3

EXPLANATION: Ginger Lapid-Bogda (Enneagram author, trainer, keynote speaker) in her site “The Enneagram in Business”, provides many ways to understand how each Type handles the many positive & negative aspects of being human.

● This series includes the way all of us exhibit each of the Fixations (Habits of Mind) normally associated with only one of the Enneagram styles – each in our own specific way.
● The 3 Instinct sub-types of Self-preservation / Sexual /Social (Def. & QUIZ) will also affect the strength & style of how each Type expresses each fixation.
NOTE: Virtues / Gifts for each Type in another series

DEFINITIONS – basic for each characteristic:
Cowardice – typically associated with SIXES. It’s the fear of taking actions, from doubt & worry caused by continual thoughts of worst-case scenarios. It is found more strongly in the Self-Preservation version of any Type who is more concerned with safety, security, & least trusting / most wary.
Flattery – typically associated with TWOS. It’s trying to be accepted by a person or group – by giving them compliments, gifts or other forms of attention

Laziness / Indolence = avoidance of activity or exertion, typically associated with NINES. It refers to the process of mentally diffusing our attention so we forget what’s important to us, and keeps us from stating our own opinions, in order to minimizing our conflict with others
Moodiness / Melancholy: typically associated with FOURS. It’s thinking about what is missing in oneself or one’s life, along with feeling disconnected or separated from others

Planning – typically associated with SEVENS. It refers to the mental process by which the mind goes into “hyper-gear,“ moving in rapid succession from one thing to another, with a lack of peaceful consideration
Resentment – typically associated with ONES. It’s paying attention to flaws in oneself & others, so that nothing ever seems good or good enough

Stinginess
– typically associated with FIVES. It’s a scarcity paradigm that leads to an insatiable thirst for knowing, a reluctance to share –knowledge, time, space, and personal information – and to strategizing about how to control one’s environment
Vanity – typically associated with THREES. It’s strategic thinking about how to create an idealized image, the self-absorption of how we seem to others
Vengeance – typically associated with EIGHTS. It’s the mental process of wanting to balance out wrongs done to us (real or imagined), with angry thoughts of blame, & plans for intimidation & punishment

ALSO:
Distorted Lens – difficulty listening to & accepting many points of view, or being able to objectively evaluate different aspects of a problem or situation – when colored by the focus of our specific version of the world
Hanging on – Hanging on to anything that keeps us stuck, so that energy can’t flow through us. It skews perspective & limits options, which can lead to disappointment
Off-Balance – losing perspective about people & situations, causing the loss of a fixed point of reference in life, adding more distortion to our specific Type

Maya (illusion/ delusion
) – Can also mean the power by which the universe is manifest, BUT used here to mean the appearance of or illusions in the physical world.
Illusion (Maya) = unreal vision // Delusion = false belief
Worry – mental obsession on past distressing actions/events, OR projecting negative outcomes in the future – to the point of dulling our awareness to real danger in the present. Habitual, unconscious worry blocks us from direct contact with something greater than ourselves (H.P.) & compromises our ability to be whole.

NEXT: All type FLAWS – Type 2

Anger – Negative USES (Part 1)

  negative anger

I CAN CONTROL ANYONE
when I’m angry!

PREVIOUS: Anger – positive uses

SITE:The Downside of Anger

 

HEALTHY anger (the emotion) is one form of energy, motivating us to speak up, to stand up for ourselves or get people together to make changes for the better. Normally, there can be a wide range of possible feelings, which most of the time come & go rather quickly. They tend to be brief because healthy people will take some action to deal with fix problemswhatever the cause, using whichever tools work best in the situation.
When they must put off solving a problem or difficulty, they don’t waste time & energy endlessly mulling over the limitation, frustration, illness, being wronged….. Instead, they figure out what their realistic options are, & then move on to something else, waiting for the right time to act – it at all possible.  If not, they deal with their anger & then let go!
SITE: “Join the grouchy club: Why negative emotions can be a force for good

UNHEALTHY anger, on the other hand:
1. Doesn’t happen enough
• Repressing our anger teaches others that it’s totally OK to be unkind & insensitive. AND, it also allows them continue being less socially & emotionally skillful, less socially aware & less valuable in society.
• Leaking it out indirectly teaches others that we’re not safe to be around, not emotionally skilled & not empathically aware

2. Happens too much, more than 5-6x a week, as in having ‘a chip on your shoulder’, making others feel they have to walk on eggshells around the chronically angry person

3. Lasts a long time – more than a day, for around 30% of people. It tends to go along with obsessions, Toxic Beliefs, CDs, S-H & difficulty with personal boundaries. For ACoAs, anger & rage often lasts for months, even years – with no resolution, because: • we deny the depth & breadth of the anger
• are not allowed to feel angry, especially at our parents
• have never been taught how to express it correctly & productively
UNHEALTHY anger
4. Expressed badly
(unsuccessful/harmful): swearing, insults, shouting, using food or chemicals to calm down/numb out, giving the cold shoulder, retaliating, spreading rumors, malicious gossip…..

5. Over-reactive – the intensity of emotion & physical/verbal expression is out of proportion to the trigger – because the current incident stepped on a ‘sore toe’ from past abuse. And if others also get angry in reaction to us, things can easily escalate, often obscuring the original upset.

6. Causes big problems. When situations which cause anger are not solved or walked away from, anger will build until there’s some kind of explosion, leading to trouble (being expelled or fired, arrested, injuring others, illness, bad relationships…) T.E.A. circles

INTERESTING: In Chinese medicine, Emotions are considered large movements of energy which override the Qi’s usual flow through the channels & tributaries of the body.  The 5 main emotions = their 5 movements of energy: Anger, Joy, Meditation, Fear, Grief. ANGER energy gets pushed out in  a jagged way, which disturbs the Liver, whose job is to lift energy up to the Spirit, at the center of the Sheng Cycle.

• Used in Acupuncture, the SHENG cycle (def.) represents creativity, generation & production, in wood elementwhich each of the 5 elements feeds Qi to the one on its right, clockwise – creating that next one, as a mother creates a child. (Scroll down to 5 element chart)  / ALSO: “Applying the 5 elements
EXP: LIVER = Wood transforms (by burning) into HEART = Fire. Wood is the Element of determination, anger & assertion. It produces the creative urge to achieve – which can turn to anger when frustrated. Wood-anger, expressed aggressively, can also come from not feeling in control of life events.

Wood-Children: The root cause of their physical complaints can be traced back to a difficult birth &/or a painful childhood, when parents over- controlled with harsh discipline or too much structure. As adults, these people’s emotions range mostly from frustration to hopelessness. They will shout & act assertive, be pushy & want others to push back. BUT they also want to know that others are in control, so they can relax. The color green will seen to float above the skin, like a glow….(MORE...)

BITTERNESS has been described as “the crusty disease that grow on unprocessed anger…. which has boiled, simmered, & then found so unpalatable that it has been thrown into the deep freeze of our unconscious psyches. Refrigeration doesn’t work well, as cooled anger turns to resentment & bitterness. It has an annoying tendency to leak out at inappropriate times, upsetting good relationships, disturbing our dreams & filling us with a vague discontent.” ~ Elizabeth Spring  MA

• According to Philosophy Prof Dr. R.C Solomon, U of TX:
Resentment/bitterness is directed at someone of higher status than oneself, Anger at those of equal statubitterness trees, & Contempt at those of lower-status. These are painful emotions which mainly harm us, but inevitably spill over onto others (targets).
— The underlying cause of Bitterness (tree) comes from having suffered long-term abuse at a time when one truly was or felt powerless to stop it.
— Resentment, which is focused on someone else, can easily be triggered by remembering a very upsetting experience at their hands.
— When turned on oneself, resentment becomes remorse.

• These unacknowledged hurts can take the form of: Animosity, Antagonism, Implacability (not appease-able), Hatred, Infantile Narcissism, Pathological Pride, Vindictiveness, Verbal & Emotional cruelty. (Explanations….).
Al-Anon reminds us: “Expectations are planned disappointments, leading to resentment.”  There are many things in the present we can attach our resentments to, but all are smoke screens for the underlying pain, usually from unresolved childhood trauma.

NEXT: Negative Uses (Part 2)

ACoAs – What about ANGER? (Part 1)

resentful??I’M NOT RESENTFUL!
That’s all in the past, right?

PREVIOUS: Arrogance vs Humility (Part 2)

BOOK: Strategies for Survival in an Angry World,
~ Dr Eva Bell

QUOTE: “Generally speaking – if a human being never shows anger, then I think something’s wrong. He’s not right in the brain”. ~ Dalai Lama


ACoAs – why are we SO angry?

Many of us know we are, and have varying degrees of acceptance about that reality. We may be still walking around in a fairly constant slow burn, are genuinely calm & peaceful much of the time with only occasional flare-ups (because of doing a great deal of WIC, FoO & rage work) or are somewhere in between.

BUT, if you say that you’re just not angry, or that you’ve gotten past it all, that you’ve forgiven them & moved on – then you can check to see how accurate you are by answering the following:
Qs: How do you talk to yourself, internally? How good is your self-care?
● Are you consistently kind, patient, loving, validating, comforting, self-respecting….. toward yourself?who me angry?
OR is the PP inner voice being harsh, impatient & perfectionistic, while you ignore the WIC completely?

● Do you take as good care of yourself, each day, as you do other people & pets in your life?
OR are you only focused on others, co-dependent & people-pleasing?

● Do you stand up for your rights & ask for what you need – from your Adult ego state?
OR do you over-react when something doesn’t go right
OR passive-aggressively wait for someone else to figure out what you need?

● Do you feel comfortable in business & other social settings, because you are calm & confident,
OR do you isolate & assume everyone is going to judge you? (which is projecting your anger out on to others)

➼ If you are more like the second half of these questions, then you are still very angry – from early &/or adult abuse you’ve suffered – sitting on a volcano and taking it out on yourself, while pretending you’re not really in a rage at all.circle of security

WHAT WE DIDN’T GET as kids
No matter what our family looked like on the outside – what most of didn’t get is a sense of safety & security. Kids who DO have that,
do not grow up angry & self-hating!

This chart shows
some of the requirements of youngsters as they begin to explore the world around them, while needing to know they can return to the safety of loving, responsible parents. This ‘Circle of Security‘ forms the foundation of self-esteem (from unconditional love), the ability to take healthy risks & the freedom to find out who they are, which will help them eventually decide what to do with their life.

How many things on this chart were a daily part of your earliest
experience? The lack of such nurturing created a deep sense of fear in us, & over time that fear turned into anger & then rage. No matter how much we’ve suppressed our emotions & memories, the losses, disappointments & hurt are still there – until brought to the surface to be validated, honored & processed.

6a00d8345190c169e201538f527fbc970b-800wi● We’ve all heard over & over that growth & healing cannot occur as long as we hang on to anger & bitterness. In the long-run this is true. In the short-term what many teachers neglect to tell us is that the process of ‘letting go’ is a path of mourning (ala Kubler-Ross), & that the stages of mourning the lack of a healthy childhood include ANGER. (MORE….)

ACoAs are terrified of anger
(even the angry ones!) —
— of our own, because if we let it out we might kill someone (since we really want to)
of others’ anger, because the WIC assumes they/it will kill us.
Unfortunately, many of us grew up with one or more raging adults (especially when drunk), & including siblings or other family members. We may also have been stuck with other adults who were too weak & fearful to protect us against the ragers. We were never soothed when hurt & terrified, & so don’t know how to soothe ourselves. We were also never shown / taught how to handle our anger – neither in how to think about upsetting situations nor how to behave successfully. We were left alone with our pain, and punished for any display of reactive anger.

— So we grew into overt ragers ourselves, or copied the long-suffering parent, & still live in fear of everything. ACoAs in the victim role are just as intensely angry as the volcanic types. While it may be pushed out of our awareness, it still shows up as relentless PMES S-H & deprivation, as well as staying with others who manipulate or attack us, & blow up too easily (more on Emotional  Abuse ). S-H is caused by our original abandonment, & then fueled by helpless, hopeless rage – in the wrong direction – toward ourselves.

— And if we were designated the Hero ACoA / the ‘Good One’ in the family, thenot allowed angern we were definitely not allowed to be angry. Added to that, some of us received religious injunctions against such an ‘evil’ emotion! It’s not surprising then that we have trouble even knowing we’re angry, or that we should be angry when mistreated (T), much less actually feeling it (E). Instead it gets ‘intellectualized’ into resentments – several steps removed from the actual bodily experience of the anger itself!
St. Augustine said: “Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.”

NEXT: What about anger – Part 2