OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 6b)


willing to forgive myself –
that is the question!

PREVIOUS“: Outgrowing P-P #4a

SITE: 12 Ways to Accept Yourself



RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome”cont.

Tool 6Healing our CHILDHOOD T.E.A. (cont.)
As we outgrow P-P we can clean out the underlying issue that permeates every part of our life: our Self-Hate, which is blaming ourselves for not getting our needs met. It’s anger/rage at our family turned in on ourselves

Reminder : Healthy, compassionate families, teachers & other leaders guide children with clarity, kindness, patience & humor. They set good examples, teach boundaries & realistic limits, explain the way people & things work, & help each child develop their Natural Self. (Healthy Parenting

That was not our experience. All our childhood emotions, words & actions which were called “too sensitive, disobedient, difficult, selfish, lazy, stupid …..” do not need to be forgiven. Instead, we can look back with sorrow & compassion for what we endured!

SO: Rather than struggling with the idea of having to forgive our youthful acting-out and normal child-reactions, we can benefit the most from Acceptance.  
As we clear out more S-H, we start to outgrow P-P automatically.

+ + Accept reality: We can let go of the – usually unconscious – twisted belief we may still have, that we’re hopelessly bone-deep failures because we originally:
• failed to be the kind of child who was good enough to have elicited love & approval from our parents
• failed to soothe & heal our parents’ many wounds
• failed to stop them from hurting us, each other & our siblings

++ Accept our child’s narcissism as normal, which made us think we had the power to do any of those things. Not! We can understand why we had those misguided ideas, & correct our thinking (the CDs) now, to stop blaming & attacking ourselves for what we believe are inadequacies & deficiencies

++ Accept that the mirroring we got as kids came from cracked mirrors – forcing us to see ourselves thru controlling, cruel, drunk, insensitive, neglectful, raging eyes! What we came to think of as our Self was mainly their sickness projected on to us – which became our Negative Introject. This psychological process – helpful or harmful – happens to every child & is not ‘forgiveness material’.  (Parental Mirroring provides child….)

++. Accept & stop judging ourselves absolutely, totally –  for:
— not being perfect // not knowing everything // making mistakes
— being so scared inside // being controlling // nit-picking
— having depression & the need for medication
— procrastinating or never finishing anything…  basically every opposite of the RIGHTS list

++ Accept that at first we’re going to feel guilt churning in our gut whenever we disobey a Toxic Family Rule, but we will slowly outgrow it.  This is ‘good guilt’ – in the short-term – because it signals doing something healthy for ourselves which goes against all our original crazy training.

The Tibetans have no word for ‘guilty.’ The closest is “Intelligent regret that decides to do things differently.”

++ Accept ourselves as valuable Children of God / HP / the Universe, which helps to stop the cruel inner rant (the WIC or PP) – a choice we can implement every day.
The benefits of self-acceptance are worth the great struggle of having to let go – of releasing the rage at ourselves & our abusers.

The FOUR AGREEMENTS by Miguel Ruiz
Be impeccable with your word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t take anything personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say & do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions & actions of others you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t make assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions & express what you really want. Be as clear as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness & drama.

4. Always do your best
This will change from moment to moment, based on being healthy or sick, young or old, rested or tired…. Under any circumstance, simply do your best & you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

The ability to practice these principles (in all our affairs 🙂) comes from the Healthy Adult. They are never meant to be done perfectly – since that’s not possible. But the more we can incorporate them, the more Co-dependence will fall away.

NEXT: Self-forgiveness as ADULTS




needs a healthy foundation!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust (#2)


ATTITUDES that DEVELOP our ability to TRUST
Diminished fear: many of us will have to ‘act as if’ until we feel safer because old fear from the past can linger, & ‘new’ fear usually depends on our negative self-talk & staying with unrecovered people. Remember – “If it’s hysterical, it’s  historical”. The less FoA & S-H we have the less our day-to-day fear.  In any case, we can’t afford to let fear restrict all our interactions & activities

Having hope in the overall good will of mankind: without it we become isolated & emotionally stuck. This comes from learning to recognize & pull out the ‘weeds & parasites’ in our life, & knowing that not everyone is narcissistic or dangerous

A healing environment: good therapists, healers, teachers, recovery & spiritual groups.  As we grow we can change how we interact with our significant others, which will lessen blame, accusations & acrimony from all sides

Self-acceptance: to do this we have to know who we are – good points & weaknesses.  There’s NO room for self-abuse, only realistic assessment of ALL our qualities, abilities & knowledge.  Improved self-esteem makes it safer to get close to people without fear of abuse or abandonmentrue inner-selft

Self-disclosure of our damage:  Al–anon suggests that “You’re only as sick as your secrets”, so we need to air out our pain & distorted thinking – but ONLY in safe places & with healthy people

More openness: Others can’t connect with us if we keep hiding our True Self.  With Recovery we can risk being appropriately open with the right people, who have proven themselves kind & supportive, so that they can get to know & appreciate us

Reducing Competitiveness: ACoAs don’t always want exactly what others have, but are envious (between 2 people) & jealous (between 3) because they’re getting their needs met BUT we’re not allowed to! We feel deeply powerless & end up enraged & obsessed.  As we take better care of ourselves there will be less desire for competition, defensiveness & accusations of unfairness, reducing the barriers between us & others

Remembering the balance of life: the “Boomerang Effect’’ shows us that if we are dishonest, Reversemistrusting, narrow-minded… we assume everyone else is too, & are more likely to meet up with the same type.  BUT if we practice being sincere, respectful, kind, open-minded (but not foolish), most people will respond by showing us their best side too. This is not the same as being a victim or people-pleaser, which some people can’t resist taking advantage of
✶                            ✶                              ✶                              ✶
When I have a strong Inner Core, I choose better situations & people to be involved with so I can:
a. Trust myself – rely on MY:
• abilities   • accomplishments  • competence   •  integrity    • intrinsic human worth
• intuition    • judgment   • observationsboundaries  • perceptions
• principles  • strengths    • values

b. Trust others – rely on them TO:
• act in my best interest   • be competent   • be reliable
• be truthful  • do what they say they will do   • keep their promises   • stay interested in me   • take my side

c. Trust an intimate – rely on them to NOT:
• abuse me  • attack me   • betray me   • contradict me  • criticize me
• disappoint me   • discount me     • embarrass me   • hurt me  • ignore me   • judge me  • leave me  • lie to me • reject me  • upset me
• make me do something I don’t want to do   • ridicule me   •  think less of me   • take advantage of me  • tell my secrets   • threaten me  • try to control me   • turn against me
• undermine me      (by Burt Giges)

Re Themselves
• be honest with themselves and us in important matters
• tell us their truth, or if they don’t feel safe doing so, be clear as to why
• opt for compromise when we differ on important matters
communication• consistently keep their promises to us
• be respectfully direct and assertive with us, rather than aggressive or submissive
Re Us
• accept us for who we are – rather than what we sound like, how we look,  or what we do or have
• affirm & encourage us in troubled times  (VS. ignore or criticize)
• appreciate our personal talents as well as accept our limitations
• balance our flaws & mistakes with the good they see in us
• confront us directly when they need to, in a loving, sympathetic way (VS. shaming or being insensitive)

• listen to us with compassion, when we need to vent (VS. fix us / solve our problems fgood listeneror us)
• respect  our choice of friends, activities, and spirituality (VS. automatically agree with)
• respect our needs, opinions, habits, and beliefs – equally with their own – even if we conflict
• respect our limits and boundaries, including times when we need privacy or solitude  (it’s not a rejection)
• understand and empathize with us, within their limits

NEXT: How to Trust