OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 2)


THERE ARE MANY WAYS

to help myself ‘let go’

PREVIOUS: Outgrowing P-P #1

<—- IMAGE from : “16 Acts of Self-Care to Get You Thru 2017


See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.
To outgrow People-Pleasing (P-P) we need to stand up for ourselves in T.E.A. For that to be effective it has to come from our Adult Ego State& not as a knee-jerk reaction from the WIC. This includes knowing when to be silent or walk away, which will depend on recognizing whether a situation is hopeless or not, especially when dealing with Personality Disordered people.

Tool 2. SELF-WORTH
++ Self-esteem is fundamentally the result of unconditional love! To outgrow the need to P-P we can work at providing that for ourselves now, even tho we didn’t get is as kids. Our attention has to be internal – on who we are, what we need, what our rights are & how well we take care of ourselves

☁︎ Co-deps base a lot of their ‘value’ on how much they do for others. This is self-defeating, guaranteeing ‘failure’, because —
— it’s only about action rather than personal identity: external vs internal
— we’re selfishly using others as a prop for our WIC’s distorted self-image
— we’re dependent on the unpredictability of how others respond to us
— we can never do enough for some people, so we’ll always come up short
— we can never fix anyone else’s pain, & even if it were possible, the people we most want to ‘save’ (rescuing=false helping) are usually the most recalcitrant (absolutely UNwilling to work on themselves!)
— some people will never give us any appreciation or validation. Sadly those are the ones we chase the hardest & longest!

Self-esteem allows for INTIMACY. To be capable of intimacy we need to overcome a large chunk of our self-hate – by developing at least a working knowledge of our Rights, using good Boundaries, having a range of Emotions & a nodding acquaintance with our Inner Child, the UNIT & our True Self.

Tool 3. ASSERTIVENESS
++ Practice saying YES to the things you do want
• SUCH AS things you’ve had an interest in or passionate about since childhood, even if you never got to pursue them. Now you can pick them up, just for pleasure, or maybe to start a whole new career:
— Say yes to learning new skills that will improve your income
— Say yes to healthier friends & lovers, jobs, living space….
— Say yes to a new couch, better clothes, flowers….(when you can)
— Say yes to filling some of your down-time with ‘good, clean fun’
— Say yes to taking time out just for yourself, to recharge
➤ Say YES to one thing you’ve been wanting to do (a small tattoo, a dance class, a Spiritual retreat…..), but are afraid others won’t like it or will make fun of it. Too bad. Do it anyway!

• There are other things you can be enthused about as short-term enjoyment, something or someone you’re only into for a while (maybe even a few years) and then: You got what you wanted from the experience // or you did as much with it as you could // or you’ve gradually become disappointed in it // or you, they or it has changed, & now it doesn’t suit you anymore….  You’re done, so move on & choose new PPT
AND
++ Practice saying NO to things you don’t want
Don’t automatically say yes to everything others ask for. If something is really not okay with you, say NO. Or let people know it’s something you’re going to have to think about & then get back to them.

You don’t have to give any reason for not liking something, even if it’s temporary – and it’s OK to change your mind. Remember that “NO.” is a complete sentence.

Some people will accept your new-found voice without a fuss, but others will not. If asked “WHY don’t you want to, why can’t you, why aren’t you…..” – know your reason & state it briefly in a declarative sentence. Never start with “I feel that….., I guess……, Well, …… Sorry…..”.
You can say: “Thanks, but I’m not available, That’s not for me, Not today, I have too much on my plate, That’s not my taste, Thanks for the offer – but I like it where I am, I’m finished with that………”
(MORE ways to say NO nicely – on Pinterest)

NEXT: Outgrowing P-P #3

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Procrastinators Anon TOOLS

putting it off 

THESE TOOLS ARE GREAT.
I’ll try them later!

PREVIOUS: ACoAS & Procrastination (#5)

POSTS:  “ACoAs & Procrastination” / / “Weak Decision Styles

Procrastinators-Anonymous.org – “a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.”
TOOLS for RECOVERY
1. Break It Down: Break down projects into specific action steps; include preparation tasks in the breakdown.

2. Visualize: Plan what to do, then imagine yourself doing it. The more specific and vivid your visualization, the better. See yourself doing the task, and doing it well.

3. Ask Yourself Why: While you are visualizing doing the task, see if you can detect what it is about the task that feels odious to you, what uncomfortable emotions you are avoiding. Knowing what’s behind the avoidance can help you get past it – for example, address real problems or ignore irrational fears.

4. Focus on Long-Term Consequences: Procrastinators have a tendency to focus on short-term pleasure, and shut out awareness of long-term consequences. Remind yourself how panicked and awful you’ll feel if the task isn’t done, then imagine how good it will feel when the task is finished.

5. Avoid Time Binging: One reason procrastinators dread starting is that once they start they don’t let themselves stop. Plan to work on a task for a defined period of time, then set a timer. When the timer goes off, you’re done.

6. Use Small Blocks of Time: Procrastinators often have trouble doing tasks in incremental steps, and wait for big blocks of time that never come. When you have small blocks of time, use them to work on the task at hand.

7. Avoid Perfectionism: Procrastinators have a tendency to spend more time on a task than it warrants, so tasks that should be quick to do take an agonizingly long time. Notice this tendency and stop yourself. Some things require completion, not perfection.

8. Keep a Time Log: Increase your awareness of time by logging what you are doing throughout the day. This is a great diagnostic tool for discovering where your time went, and an excellent way to become better at estimating how long tasks take.

9. Develop Routines: To help structure your day and make a habit of things you always need to do, develop routines for what you do when you wake up, regular tasks of your workday, and what you need to do before going to bed.

10. Bookend Tasks and Time: Use the Bookending board on the P.A. Web site to check in throughout the day, or at the beginning or end of specific tasks you are dreading.

Please visit Procrastinators-Anonymous.org for more info.  Details are at the top of the Bookending board.  AS A REMINDER:

putting off cartoon
NEXT:

Fear of Commitment – RECOVERY

don't sufferONCE I FIGURE OUT MY PASSION
I’ll commit to it whole-heatedly

PREVIOUS: Fear of Comm. – ACoAs #6

SITE: FoC Workbook: How To Overcome Fear Of Commitment
Help: Free Relaxation scripts
NLP “Anchoring to overcome Commitment phobia

 

COMMITMENT to something / someone is one of life’s most empowering (& liberating) experiences. It’s how we achieve, how we grow, how we learn, how we love. Commitment is driven by a passion to a person or thing. If there’s a solid & compelling enough reason for WHY we want something, we WILL find a HOW to achieve that goal.

IRONY: It’s both a freedom & a binding – but only to what we want or need. It’s one of the most worthwhile ways to use personal choice – to ‘tie’ ourselves to a person, place or thing (PPT) – for some period of time – that we work towards, have or love. Yes, commitment is love. It’s the freedom to invent our own life, by expressing our True Self.

4. CHANGING the RE-ENACTMENT (Point #2, Parts 1 – 6)
If passion & love fuel a desire to commit to something, why do ACoAs avoid it like the plague it? Following Toxic family Rules, the WIC’s terror, & long-term depression numb us to passion. Of course many ACoAs are passionately committed to one thing – not getting abandoned! That’s the WIC’s main goal in life, whether by clinging or by isolating. ACoAs are more focused on feeling safe than on getting love. We can’t feel truly saloving parentfe until we thoroughly care about ourselves, but giving up S-H is an uphill battle.

• Each of these fears is a direct outcome of an unsafe childhood. So all of the ‘corrections’ will inevitably have to do with developing a Loving Parent to help the WIC heal, so it can gradually start living in the present (using book-ending & other tools….), instead of in its unhappy past.

OUTGROW FEAR of:
a. AbandonmentBY gradually, patiently allowing yourself to connect with the backlog of original pain, eliminating S-H by getting it in every cell of your physical & spiritual body that the pain you grew up in was not caused by you!
b. Leaving FamilyBY forming alliances with a variety of groups that are working towards: mental health, spiritual growth, social progress, sharing a passion & having fun

c. Being Vulnerable BY finding out your needs & using them to form strong boundaries – but not walls
d. Being TrappedBY using your boundaries & choices to decide who, what or where to stay with

e. ResponsibilityBY knowing what’s your responsibility to self & a few others, & what is NOT. Each adult is responsible for themselves. You are not their Higher Power
f. S & IBY growing your own UNIT (Loving Parent + Healthy Adult), which the IC can totally depend on, instead of our wounded family

g. Losing Control BY keeping track of your own emotions & motives, so that you’re Adult is in charge of your actions, not the PP or WIC. Then others cannot control you
h. Making Mistakes BY understanding that all humans make mistakes, & that mistakes are how we learn

i. CompromiseBY understanding & accepting that bending a little, when it’s not SO important, allows you to not break (rigid vs flexible tree)
j. The TruthBY being surrounded by others doing the same FoO work, so you can gradually drop your denial, & mourn your losses

Re. FEAR of POSITIVES
a. helperSelf-careBY getting the knowledge of how to do it, & the help to stay on track
b. ReceivingBY believing that you are not supposed to be able to do everything yourself, have a right to get help, & most people like to help
c. Being LovedBY learning that love is available – from yourself and from people who are already capable. Also, love is not being totally taken care of by others. It can come is small doses, in unsuspected form, by a variety of PPT.

d. VisibilityBY trying out small ways of being seen – by the right people, taking in compliments & encouragement, and then expressing more & more of your True Self.
e. PeacefulnessBY learning to feel the difference between the numbness of being emotionally shut down vs. the inner quiet of being comfortable & anxiety-free. This is not supposed to be all the time, just more often than not.

Success Habits” from Life Change 90 (a program of daily activities designed to instill success habits), can help us work toward a more fulfilled life.. It doesn’t have to take a big chunk of time – once the resistance to doing it fades – they can be done quickly & in small steps. They represent an outline for committing to oneself, the first stage in committing to others in a safe way. To achieve our goals, along with passion we need to ‘work smart’ – making sure we develop a practical plan & find a supportive environment to work in, as we dream & take adult actions.

STAY AWAKE
: over-view of every day’s actions
• Be clear on your main goal, consciously making it a prioritydaily
• Have specific daily goals, plans & steps to achievement
• Form problem-solving strategies for issues that won’t go away
• Notice: Over-all mental state, + Emotions, mood shifts,
• Keep track of finances, & spending habits
• Be Grateful for what you DO have, & for bad things you DON’T
• Review events of each day, & see what you learned from them

Healthy commitment is a form of visibility. To ACoAs being visible means risking abandonment, failure, jealousy & rejection. BUT when we accept all parts of ourselves without harsh judgment, choose well, have good boundaries, know our rights & trust ourselves – we can go for the gold!

NEXT: EnneaTypes Language #1a

Fear of Commitment – ACoAs (Part 5)

dating DATING IS HARD WORK!
I always have to be ‘on’

PREVIOUS: FoC – Part 4



QUOTE: “It is character that gets us out of bed, commitment that moves us to action, & discipline that enables us to follow through.” Zig Ziglar, motivational speaker & author

2. RE-ENACTING (cont.)
j. Fear of the Truth. To the WIC, C. to our growth & Recovery means admitting we failed – somehow!. Also, we’ll have to feel all that pain – & then we’ll go crazy or die!
ACoAs are intensely resistant to acknowledging how traumatic our childhood really was, & how severely damaged we are as a result. We love our family & don’t want to face how abusive & emotionally unavailable they were. Review (DMs – ACoAs). “Denial is not a river in Egypt!” (de Nile) says the pun. Denial prevents us from healing our wounds, which then keeps us from finding & keeping nourishing relationships.

One way this is expressed is seen in the chart.  When we continually act out either STAYER stay/leaveor LEAVER ‘position’, as a form of false protection, we know that our WIC is in charge. “Leaving” isn’t just about walking away. It’s any form of being withholding, distant, ‘cool’, emotionally detached. Both groups are equally terrified of commitment, but it’s more visible in Leavers. C = Conscious / UC = Unconscious FoA = fear of Abandonment / FoC = fear of Commitment

3. SELF-DEFEATING re-enactment
There are also some POSITIVE things which interfere with our willingness to Commit – to ourselves & to others.
a. Fear of self-careTo the WIC, C. to ourselves means having to give up the fantasy that someone will come along & rescue us.
12-Step Programs remind us that to truly progress, we need to put our Recovery first, before all else. This is particularly true for newcomers. Making a commitment to ourselves:
• requires the guts to go against all our early training, managing the resulting guilt & backlash

• means re-defining terms like ‘selfish, normal, fair, family, love’…. self-care
➼ If you’re in Integrity – being true to deepest self – & are accused of Selfishness, it simply means you aren’t doing what the other person wants. Don’t let someone guilt you into betraying your observations, values & beliefs. You can comply with their wishes if it suits you, but not from FoA.

• means talking to the WIC every day, along with meetings, 2-handed writing, books, therapy…. as much as possible. Once our Inner Child trusts that we will consistently show up for it, making a commitment to others won’t be so scary.

b. F of being treated well & loved. To the WIC, C. to anything or anyone positive, means having to feel the contrast between the suffering our family (& others) put us thru – against – what we begin to see we could have / should have had. Painful & enraging.
• The beliefs listed above also apply to being loved, which is a fundamental & universal human need we had very little of, when we needed it the most! Many of us actually believe that wanting to be loved is a character defect! This is why we are attracted to & stay with PPT, which are either blatantly bad for us, not actually bad but unsuited to our True Self, or which only partially meet our needs. Screen Shot 2015-08-22 at 7.21.10 PM

• We fear being disloyal to our parents, not wanting to let go of them
Being treated with respect, consideration, patience, admiration, encouragement…. forces us to FEEL the painful contrast against what we grew up with. It makes us realize how much we missed out on, & to think: “I could have had a V-8!” – I mean: “I didn’t cause the pain I grew up with. With healthier parents I would have been safe & loved!” 😦

NEXT: FoC – part 5

PERMISSION to LEAVE

images-1A NEW YEAR’s SUGGESTION

SITE: “Staying away
from TOXIC people

Normally I hate cutesie, ‘uplifting’ saying, but I know some of us are still struggling with the belief that it’s unkind & selfish to disengage (whatever that means for you) from unhealthy people who do not take responsibility for their damage and don’t want to /can’t yet do the hard work of Recovery.

So I’m posting a bunch of statements of permission, in the hope
that they may be of encouragement to make some changes this year.

leave toxics

LEAVING THEM

angry people

poison people

let them go

allowed to leavesoul therapy

fresher air

god says drop

god says drop

your worth it