OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 5a)

I DON’T KNOW
if I’ll ever be able to

PREVIOUS: Outgrowing P-P #3

SITEs: PMES forms of Self-Care 
• 30 day challenge, to make changes

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TSN) cont.

Tool 5a. FORGIVING OTHERS
DEF:
a. To LET GO of our anger  (Es= the emotion), and our resentments (Ts= the angry thoughts /obsessions) toward anyone whose offenses, flaws or mistakes have seriously injured us   (See “Letting go means….“), and
b.  To GIVE UP the desire to punish, seek revenge or exact payment

ACoAs
The mental health, Recovery & religious communities keep telling us we must forgive others in order to move on, insisting it must happen before healing can occur. This may be true for some people, but doesn’t really work for most ACoAs.
Forgiveness is important, but it’s not that easy to extend it to all the damaging & crazy mates, friends, bosses…. we’ve collected along the way, & especially not toward the adults who tortured & neglected us as kids.
There are things done to us that are – or seem to be – unforgivable.

▶︎ For ACoA angry-nice people forgiveness IS about ‘letting go’ – but not first. Instead, it is the outcome of the process of gradually releasing layers of old pain, combined with developing the UNIT, so that we don’t need all those ‘unavailables’ anymore.

This takes a lot of time & effort, & maybe forgiving our abusers will never be complete because of the amount & intensity of trauma we suffered, but we are worth the effort to try, & that effort ends up benefiting every part of our life.

Not getting our rage out (& the tears underneath) is what keeps us stuck in obsession, which we’ve covered over with denial & then express as P-P angry-niceness. It will continue to plague us as long as we’re still desperate for their (unavailable) love & acceptance. Our WIC wants the Perpetrators to admit what they did, to genuinely feel sorry & to apologize. This rarely happens, so don’t hold your breath! Our anger is appropriate, but it must finally be vented safely so we don’t have to keep carrying its corrosive effect. (“How to forgive” – even if they never apologize!)

ACoAs live in one extreme or the other about almost everything.
As adult we are responsible for our Ts, Es & As, but as angry ‘nice people’ (P-P) we are afraid to admit our emotions & opinions, instead taking on the burden of other people’s feelings, especially if we love or need them, & especially if they’re acting needy or aloof. This comes from a set of opposites, a double message that becomes our bind :
— the WIC’s narcissistic desire to symbiose (be the same as me), AND
— the compulsion to escape from being ourselves (from S-H)

So, as long as we’re being run by the wounded child,
— we either refuse to even consider letting go (forgiving), or
— we’re too easy on everyone who hurt us.
Taking the High Road is more likely a way of staying in denial than it is of being emotionally free.

► Forgiving requires some mental & emotional distance from our wounds, by:
— having done enough venting of our old pain in safe ways
— having had our childhood experiences validated by people who understand
— having gotten enough correct info so our thinking is clearer
— having good enough boundaries so we can take care of ourselves
— having developed a healthy Adult to be more in charge of our choices

A VISUAL : We can think of our many painful memories as a series of pictures in a large gallery in our head – each one with an art lamp over it, the cord plugged into the wall at the baseboard. For us – the light is all the emotions attached to each memory, plugged into our nervous system.
A little at a time, by crying, raging, talking them thru & being validated –  in safe places – the plug can get pulled out of the wall. We’ll still be able to see the images, but they will be in shadow because much of the pain will be gone. THAT is letting go. That is the forgiveness that benefits us.

NEXT: Recovery – Forgiving ourselves (#5b)

ACoAs dealing with ABUSERS (Part 1)

Ostrich
I’M TIRED OF BEING AN OSTRICH –

ignoring what others are doing to me!

PREVIOUS:  Denial & acting out

SEE Posts:ACoAs Getting Controlled (1 & 2)

 

1. ACoA SILENCE
ACoAs are more than reluctant to speak up for ourselves. We hold it in & hold it in, & then we eventually explode outward – having a tantrum at others, while some implode – into illness, depression & isolation.  We are equally mute with people:
• who are actually abusive, whether they know it & don’t care, or have no idea what effect they’re having on someone
• who we just think are hurting us by something they said or by not reading our minds (giving us what we need without us having to ask for it), but they really are not – they’re just pushing a button in us
• who are not being abusive at all, but we’re afraid of hurting their feelings, scaring them away or -god forbid- make them angry at us!

We don’t speak up because of:
a. Toxic Family Rule “Don’t talk”   (WE = parents/ community)
• about what’s going on in the family, don’t air dirty laundry – it’s no one else’s business (family shame = family secrets)don't talk
• about what you need & want, since we can’t or don’t want to provide them
• about that you think about anything – unless we agree completely
• about what you feel emotionally – we don’t want to hear it, we’re already in enough pain & don’t know how to deal with it, so we don’t need yours too!
• about your personal opinions, values & observations – if they don’t fit in with the family line (the ‘story’ we’ve created about the tribe we all belong to). No matter how twisted, it’s our & we protect it at all costs.
— Along with this rule is the fear many ACoAs have about going to 12-Step programs &/or therapy – seeing it as disloyalty.

b. Fear of Punishment
Of course most people don’t want to ‘be in trouble’ with others, & learn what’s appropriate to say or not say, especially in public. But for ACoAs it’s always about FoA (fear of abandonment). Even as adults we’re afraid of various types of unpleasant reactions from others – when they get angry at, dislike, make fun of – or worse – ignore us!ignored
• Our co-dependence (needing others’ good-will to let us feel OK about ourselves) makes us do anything we can to prevent people from expressing any disapproval – which will set off our S-H. Our WIC always takes anything that seems like an abandonment (to us) as punishment, rather than someone else just having their own feelings & opinions, OR acting out their damage.  Much of how people respond has nothing to do with us – but the kid in us takes everything personally. After all: “I’m so unlovable, no one really likes me & sooner or later will leave – unless I make them like me, or else I’ll die”. So it’s safer to be silent – we think!

c. Being MUTE
A basic reason we’re silent is the result of the brain-washing we received growing up. We were trained so thoroughly to ignore what we heard, saw & experienced that we endon't talkd up not seeing many things that are in front of us (”What insult?”), misreading a situation (“I’m sure they hate me”) or being unable to respond to a painful comment (“I wish I had said…..”).
• No matter how articulate some of us are when we’re comfortable, there are times we get brain-freeze. It’s frustrating when we’re with someone & we get so scared that we shut down completely. In that moment we lose our internal computer screen – it goes blank & we can’t think & talk. Yet a minute later, when we’re alone, the computer comes back on automatically & we know what we should have said! Darn, darn!

d. Our Rage
Most ACoAs know, or at least sense, that we’re afraid of others, especially of their anger. But many don’t recognize how filled with rage we are too.
The reality is that we’ve stored years & years of childhood anger in every cell, and then as adults we pile more on top by staying connected to abusers – familiar and equally as painful as those we grew up with.silent rage
• So one more reason we’re afraid to say anything when we’re upset is the fear of not being able to control our rage – we don’t know when the lava will burst out.  We even know at some intuitive level that our reaction, most of the time, is out of proportion to the current situation, even when we don’t actually feel the rage. So we’re not only trying to protect ourselves, we’re also being protectors.

• All ACoAs will benefit from doing extensive rage-work (on our own, in small groups or with professional help – like Core Energetics) so we can lighten our burden – mainly for us to feel better, but also to make it easier & safer for us to interact with the world.

e. Discounting  Experiences
ACoAs spend much of our time in daily stress & trauma, internally from S-H & externally from being in unhealthy environments. Because so much of our energy is taken up with these ‘big’ problems, we ignore the more subtle ones, the little ‘nigglies’ in the background. Sometimes these are just life’s trivial annoyances (no hot water, subways are late, we’re out of milk, can’t find something….) which bug us way too much, or they’re the minor unkindnesses of, and disappointments in other people. These also pile up on us, & then we get cranky or depressed & don’t know why.

• When we consistently underestimate the nature of the ‘little slings & arrows’ of irritations or abuse – they seem so trivial – we underestimate the emotional impact those bSniggliesarbs have on us. Just because a paper cut is not life threatening doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt – a lot!
Yet we use Denial & Perfectionism to dismiss subtle info our emotions are giving us – like when we repeatedly get the ‘ICK factor” in our gut about someone. We don’t object to the minor things that bother us because we literally talk ourselves out of believing ‘something just happened’.  FYI – Sometimes a quick cry or fist pounding on desk – relieves the tension!

✶ This category (e.) is different from the peaceful experience of correctly not over-reacting to unpleasant or unimportant events – as a result of healing our emotional wounds in Recovery.  Al-Anon suggests we ask ourselves: “How important is it?”

RESULT:  If we don’t speak up for ourselves when problems are small, they accumulate & grow into monsters, & then we don’t know how to manage ourselves. To correct this ‘cognitive impairment’ takes knowledge of the real world & our inner world, & then the courage to deal with situations as they come up.

NEXT: Dealing with Abusers (Part 2)