I WANT TO CONNECT, NOT be enmeshed
PREVIOUS: Healthy Bs – Info (Part 2)
WHAT Boundaries (Bs) can NOT DO
re. US
• having your own boundaries ourself does not create Bs for others
• by themselves, Bs don’t fix the damage in our ‘spirit’. The WIC needs healing before we can enforce our personal space
• they’re not about Right & Wrong. They’re based on our own value system & perspective, so may be totally different from someone else’s, rather than bad.
• Bs are not a form of deprivation, nor limit our joy. Instead – with Bs we attract people who respect & care about us. So, our relationships get better, & we enjoy our activities because they match our values
• B are not set in stone. As we Heal & Grow, our Bs also expand & improve. We have the right to evolve, deciding what does & doesn’t work for us.
re. OTHERS
• Bs are not mean, selfish or ‘unfair’ just because someone else doesn’t like them. That may be how they feel, but it’s not accurate. We set Bs for separation or protection from people who will otherwise ignore or trample on our needs & feelings. Sticking to our Bs is a way to maintain our integrity
• Bs are not attempts to control or punish others (don’t confused them with ultimatums or demands). They’re not a way to force people to change or do what we want – since that’s not possible. We can sometimes ask others to make a change, but have no control over whether they will or not (MORE….)
• Bs can not control, change or stop narcissist, bully & pathological liars from trying to manipulate or control us. We decide what we will or won’t put up with, but since abusers don’t listen, usually we just have to get away from them
• Bs should not be used to encourage unhealthy responses & behavior in others that are counter to our morals & beliefs.
EXP : Saying it’s OK with us IF someone acts self-destructively – ‘just not around us’.
We do need to distance ourself from someone who insists on staying Victim or Perpetrator, but we can point out kindly what we observe, for their benefit – as well as clearly state our own concerns & values.
EXP : “It hurts me to see you how you keep letting him/her belittle you….”
DEVELOPING EMOTIONAL (Es) Boundaries
Healthy E. Bs lets us clearly know:
• Es just ARE, not good or bad, but a range from most painful to most joyful
• as adults Es don’t depend on others’ actions
• our Es do not cause others’ actions or their Es
• pleasant & painful Es come from our own behavior
AND with Bs —
• we can have access to a wide range of Es
• we do not blame PPT for events, taking responsibility for our feelings
• we accept Es we’ve been taught to disapprove (jealousy, greed, shame, indifference, rage….) & have compassion for ourself when they come up
• we have control over which Es we express to others (who & where)
a. For OURSELF — Healthy Bs mean WE:
• acknowledge our Shadow self, without judgment or S-H
• are able to ask for help when needed
• are committed to & responsible for nurturing our full potential
• are responsible for our own happiness & fulfillment
• become our own Good Parent, for self-care
• don’t compromise values or integrity to avoid possible rejection
WE :
• have a strong sense of identity – know ourself well, have good self-esteem & self-respect – without arrogance
• know our own wants, needs & emotions (T.E.As)
• know our limits – not giving too much just so someone will like us
• know when a problem is ours & when it is NOT
• talk to ourself with gentleness, respect & humor
• value our opinions & feelings as much as those of others (often more)
b. About OTHERS — Healthy Bs mean WE:
• allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment
• allow others to define their own Bs & limits
• are ok with others having intense emotions, without having to fix them
• communicate our Bs clearly in all relationships
• develop appropriate trust, based on current reality (what we know about them)
• don’t tolerate emotional abuse or disrespect from anyone
WE :
• have an equal partnership & expect reciprocity in close relationships, sharing responsibility & power
• have respect for others – not taking advantage of someone’s kindness or generosity, AND not letting others take advantage of ours
• move carefully, thoughtfully, step-by-step into emotional intimacy
• share sensitive information gradually, & only in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship
NEXT: Mental & Physical Bs #2
HEAL & GROW for ACoAs 
Thanks. A question if I may.
How can I allow others to own what’s theirs and not have expectations of outcomes (I see this as an Alanon Step 1, knowing I’m powerless over others, I can’t control them so “let go or be dragged”) — but then “not tolerate” abuse from them?
Can you give examples of when and how we “not tolerate” or lay down the law?
Thanks
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Thanks for your comments.
We can’t allow others to own what’s theirs – they have to do that. Possible phrases: “What you just said does not apply to me”. “What you want (xyz) is not right for me”. “Don’t talk to me that way” etc.
Re. not tolerating abuse, we can keep saying “That’s not OK / not acceptable…..”
If they continue – we have to end our connection with them
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If our emotions don’t cause other’s emotions then why is it that a child of an abusive father is terrified when he is angry? His emotional state causes fear in another person without him even touching the child. There is anticipation of pain and fear of what might happen because of the past. Essentially, person As emotions are causing person B’s emotions.
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Yes what you say is true for children. The statement you refer to applies to adults.
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What can be done about passive aggressive in laws in terms of not tolerating disrespect?
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Get involved in political influence groups.
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why do you recommend that?
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I’m sorry – I misunderstood. Without the hyphen – I thought you were referring to government laws.
Re. in-laws, it depends on how badly they would take you saying something about their behavior.
You could draw each offender aside & ask for what you want – or don’t want. Or you may just have to smile & not take things personally 0 because it’s their bratty / insensitive child acting out their damage – & not just on you.Then you’ll need to explaining that to your Inner Child.
But more importantly, see if your spouse can help you – by talking to his family about your concerns, & maybe give you pointers on how to deal with them….if he’s willing
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