ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 2c)


PREVIOUS: Manipulating OURSELVES (2b)

SITEs: ‘How Do Alcoholics Manipulate Others?’
Manipulation: Why are Addicts so Good at It?

: Over-controlling ourselves #1-5
ALL post on Es in May & June 2011  and  Jan 2012  (go to Menu)

DEF: Con / conning – to persuade by deception, cajolery….

a. Action Manipulation (Part 2b)
b. EMOTIONAL self-manipulation
Most human emotions (Es) are located in the Child Ego State, with some – the more mature ones – in the Healthy Parent, & none in the Adult state, which is more like a computer.

However, our WIC will try to avoid all Es – mainly old pain stored in our body (muscles, organs, brain chemicals…) which have not been processed out by doing trauma release work via crying, pounding, shaking…. As kids —
— we were not allowed to safely express ALL our feelings
— we never learned from family how to process Es, via ‘understanding’ & labeling them correctly
— we were not comforted or validated, so we don’t have a right to be acknowledged or soothe ourselves
— we don’t have an internal monitor that governs our reactions, which must come from the UNIT – the healthy adult & loving parent components

As a result:
— We keep putting off the Es we are aware of, including any which crop up as a result of life’s interactions (painful or happy ones)hide from Es
— AND stay unaware of the backlog we’ve hidden from ourselves. We may be shocked & ashamed of how we act them out.
So, by allowing the WIC to con us into not acknowledging & getting our feelings out, old & more recent Es keep piling up. At some point the kettle boils over & we explode or we implode, turning the Es inward into paralyzing depression

Since our WIC is choking on all the unprocessed pain we’ve accumulated thru the years – when we’re triggered by a person or event similar to our early experiences –
• Either we go numb, & compulsively find things to distract us, often for hours on end (TV, Facebook, self-pleasuring, sleeping, isolating, drinking, spending, cleaning, exercising ….)
This is a way the WIC cons us into not recognizing Es, assuming it’s not safe to do so – while in fact that just makes us more stuffed up (like not being able to breathe from a bad cold), & therefore more weighed down, more distressed.

raging EsOR our Es go from 0 to 100 (instant rage, overwhelming sadness, depression, hopelessness, OR ecstatic fantasy highs), & over-react internally or to people around us without considering the consequences to ourselves or others.
The KID just wants to vent, convinced that if it doesn’t it will burst. It doesn’t want to be reined in – assuming that any restriction represents being told to not have its feelings – the same as in our childhood.

• AND, Some of us are more emotionally oriented (dramatic Ennea 4s, Water Signs….). We are flooded with Es & assume we can’t modify or keep them in.
But in Recovery we learn that intense Es come from sitting on decades of pain – no matter what our Natural type is. And we come to understand that impulsively venting them willy-nilly is neither healthy for us nor an acceptable way of treatingdramatic others. Attacking, blaming, snarling at, insulting, yelling at, cold-shouldering…. may feel ‘normal’ to the WIC, but it’s actually acting out, ‘throwing up’ & copying one or more of our family members
on to innocent victims, who are not responsible for our damage, & can’t heal us, OR
on the original perpetrators, trying to force them to acknowledge our suffering & their abuse – to no avail.

This is when using “influence/ persuasion” (normal manipulation) is required. The WIC has been running our inner world all of our life, which has given it a sense of power, no matter how illusory.  Now we’re saying – No – do it this new way, & the kid says “F-U”.  So we need to find different ways around the resistance to disobeying our early training.
WALL 2<—- > Find the chink in the wall of defense mechanisms, BY:
• Providing logical & accurate arguments to counter the cognitive distortions (mental cons / mind-games) of the WIC or PP
EXP: “You don’t have the power to harm another person (parents) by just feeling your feelings – in an appropriate place & in a safe way” //  “You cannot be both damaged (fixable) & defective (un-fixable)”

• Making a bargain with the WIC for something legitimate it wants very much, & so will give in a little to get it
EXP: I’ll take you to the movies/comedy show/ dance…. if you quietly let me do my Adult work first. THEN – you, the grownup, must keep your promise as soon as possible – or you lose all credibility.

• Regularly using exercises for the Right Brain, to bypass or reprogram the Left Brain’s negative thinking, along with using new info, insight & understanding (Left brain)
EXP: meditation, drawing, music & dance, prayer, making collages…..& things like Brain Gym & Bio-Feedback to reorganize & restore the natural balance of the mind.  Studying & then using NLP for ourselves is helpful in correcting actions, beliefs & emotional reactions  (MORE...)

AND Inner Child visualizations (try out several from Yahoo listings – to find the ones you like)

A THOUGHT: See if this article for parents can be applied to you & your Inner Child “How to stop manipulative Behavior”

NEXT: Manipulating OTHERS (Part 3a)


6 thoughts on “ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 2c)

  1. Thank-you for this. I am now into my eighth year of meditation and it is helping!. Finding the chink in the wall is happening very slowly but it is happening. I am little by little learning to think in a new way. As a person with an enneagram six pattern, trusting myself and others and life is difficult, but I know something new is emerging. Bless your work.


  2. I’m so glad the blog is useful.
    Trust is crucial to feeling safe – but it’s never about trusting others – they prove themselves one way or the other. It’s only being awake to the info others give about themselves that counts – to not be in denial.
    6s are definitely focused on safety so acknowledging reality – in all it’s forms – helps provide that. Be well.


  3. Thank-you for this comment. It is excellent. I think because I have always thought it is about trusting others and so sometimes I have ‘tried’ to do so against my better judgement. What you said makes a lot of sense. I once heard that the healthy six is “Essential Wakefulness”. This has given me a deeper understanding of what it really means.


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